[SoupDragon]

l feel really hurt this week.

My last T session last Thursday was hard, l Was feeling realIy low to the extent my T said he was around that weekend it l needed to see him.

My life is fairly chaotic and l know l take on too work and l found that l had double booked for my T session.

l emailed him to explain and he replied saying that he would see me the following week, but if things changed he would arrange a mutually convenient time this week. l replied and said l would come if he could let me know a different time.

That was on Monday and l have heard nothing since.

My rational head is there with lots of explanations, but deep down l am very hurt and confused.

l gather that if l can deal with these intense feelings triggered by T, on my own, then actually what is the point of therapy. Right now it just seems to be adding another layer of pain to my life.

l have spoken so often of quitting but never doing it, right now that seems to be a good option for me. Yes l still have things to work on, but l can get another T who doesn't trigger all this stuff

My next session is next Thursday and right now l need courage and bravery to quit, l do think it is the right thing, although it also makes me want to cry, l just can't deal with these feelings it evokes.

[AmysJourney]

Hi SoupDragon,

what I read from your post is:
"Shouldn't T be more concerned about me and follow up on me and make sure I am ok and ask whether I want another session? Why isn't he doing it when I made it clear that I need more support and he offered to be there for me? Why isn't he there for me now? That makes me angry, afraid, hurt, confused, feeling too attached, too dependent, too POWERLESS."

There you have it, the last most important word in all of this! It's not actually the truth - that you are powerless! The truth is the feelings I described before that make you feel powerless. But you long for feeling empowered, which I think is why you are thinking of quitting. That would give you power. It would give you back the control that you think you have lost. It would make you independent again, you might think. Or you might think it would make you feel like a stronger person.

All these things are actually INSIDE you. Your T doesn't have the power over you, even if it might feel like that sometimes for us. They don't control how we feel or what we do or say. It's just easier to put stuff like this on someone else. You say your T triggers these things in you but I am not quite sure how true that is. Your signature quote says:“If we resist the temptation to allow other people to define who we are, then we will gradually be able to let the sun inside our own soul shine forth.” Right now in this moment it seems you are defined by what your T is doing or not doing. And as the quote says, it's a temptation.
A temptation we can easily fall into with people we feel we have to depend on, people who are there to support us.

But again, you are not powerless. You know what triggers your feelings. You know you would have the strength to walk away. (To another T who doesn't trigger these things in you? Probably not the best idea.)
Staying with your current T, telling him how his non-responsiveness made you feel and what it caused inside you - that is your POWER to CONTROL the situation.

Perhaps instead of wanting the courage and bravery to quit - you need the courage to NOT quit? To take control and ask for what you need and find out if that really is what you want..

I wish you courage for what you decide is right for you.

[stopdog]

Good luck with it. Sometimes I do believe leaving or at least a break is the best option.

[SoupDragon]

Thank you for your posts.

Wow AmeIia, that was such a spot on analysis of where l am, want to become my T

If l felt my T could give me as much insight as you have just managed to, l would be delighted, but l think l know the way the session will go and maybe your post has been helpful in allowing me to see, that maybe T and I aren't a good fit now. That l need more guidance and less of the passive stuff.

Thanks to both of you again, these are helpful. Soup

[CantExplain]

((Soup))

I can see you are going through a bad spot. But I wouldn't quit just yet. When you see T, can you tell him what you've written here?

What I'm hearing is that you feel lost between sessions. If anything, that is a sign that you need to see him more often.