I still hate DBT

Me again. I know you're all sick of hearing me whine about DBT and just think I'm being stubborn and wasting everyone's time. I want to mention that I am in absolutely no way trying to undermine anyone else's positive DBT experiences. I know that DBT has helped a lot of people and saved lives. I'm not trying to say that DBT sucks. I'm saying I don't get it but I want to/need to.

About two months ago, my group leader told me I was being too resistant and oppositional about the material. I would challenge basically everything I read. I then felt like he doesn't like me and I'm dragging down the whole group so I stopped challenging anything. I just read what he asks me to read and don't verbalize what I feel or think at all. I guess I've been finding it slightly less lame but not any less unhelpful (for me because I don't do well with putting anything into practice). I'm wondering if part of the problem is that he never assigns us homework? We just read the skills and then never relate it to our own lives.

I just hate it. I find it boring and a waste of time because the skills are easy to understand but impossible to apply because I can never remember what they are when I'm having a hard time. I don't want to go. I don't want to go all the way out there just to sit on my thoughts and watch the clock. I can read pieces of paper just fine on my own.

While it's definitely true that the less you engage with the material, the less you'll get out of it, it also sounds like the group leader doesn't want to engage dissent. So where does that leave you? Quiet and resentful.

I'm surprised there isn't homework--like a workbook; I thought that was pretty standard with DBT.

The only thing I can think of would be to speak to him outside of the group meeting and tell him your perceptions. What suggestions would he have for overcoming your resistance? Ask him for specifics of how to apply these skills in your daily life. Give him examples of situations that are difficult for you and ask which skills you should use and how to do it. If he says something like, "well, you just have to decide to accept it" then you know he's not going to be very helpful to you.

He copied pages out of the workbook but none of the worksheets. We just read the sheets down. Our homework last week was to "try using the half smile". Wtf does that even mean? How am I supposed to remember to do that in the moment? When is a moment to use it? He just said "when you're feeling anxious or upset". Well I range from feeling jittery to being so anxious I have sui thoughts and I range from my default melancholy mood to not wanting to exist. Where within that range do I use any of the skills?

I also have a hard time coming up with examples. I have flashbacks so I once asked what skill to use during a flashback. His response was "one of the distress tolerance ones". Okay. The half smile then? Can I just half smile myself through a flashback? No I can't. I don't remember the other skills because we just read them aloud and didn't do anything beyond that.

Is the dbt required for you to stay in school?

Yes. I wouldn't do it if it wasn't because this is a waste of my time and money. We just read off a sheet of paper. Well, we do check ins where we go around the room and have 4 mins each to talk about stuff that is currently going on in our lives. I am unable to disclose anything beyond "I woke up, practiced, and took a dump" within a 4 min timeframe. Especially since it is timed and he holds up a timer while you talk. I'm very anxious about time and very anxious about the buzzer noise. But other people have no problem crying over their therapist within 4 minutes so he always runs over plus people don't come on time so he just waits for people to get started or he waits to move forward in the topics. So we only do skills for a maximum of 30 mins and we just go around the room reading off of a print out. Then it's done.

He doesn't sound like a very good leader. I would say that part of this is your unwillingness to put in extra effort to figure it out (you sound like you're very resistant and defensive to the material), but part of it is also his leadership kind of sucks.

I'm guessing there are many good resources available about DBT and the actual application of DBT skills that you could find for yourself to supplement what is happening in the group. No, he doesn't sound like a good facilitator, but you can still make it useful with a bit of research and practice on your own. Sometimes we get a bad "teacher", but if we are motivated enough to learn the material, we find ways to teach ourselves or at least supplement what is going on in the classroom.

Would anyone here be able to share some good hands-on materials that Growly might be able to use to improve her experience with DBT?

I still definitely have a ways to go, but my therapist recommended this book for me and I find it very practical and customizable, plus easy to read with lots of concrete examples (and cheap!):

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & ... Tolerance (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook): Matthew McKay, Jeffrey C. Wood, Jeffrey Brantley:

I have used it some on my own between sessions and we've spent some time reviewing a couple chapters as well. I find it very helpful to calm down after painful sessions, and during times when I start to feel very upset and reactive about family situations or other really unpleasant or stressful events.

It is a true workbook, so... about half reading and half filling out worksheets, choosing activities to try, but of course the most important part is using the activities once you select/customize them. Hope it helps. DBT is definitely one of those things where you get out what you put in, and this way, you don't need to focus on the leader or the group structure, etc., you can take what you need here and employ it.

As for flashbacks, there are lots of excellent DBT related comments/threads on myptsd.org, but the recurring theme, which I also find very useful when I have flashbacks, is to engage my five senses and do a reality check. For me, that might be something like:

1. Smelling something strong and woodsy. I keep a bundle of sage at my desk and a bath product that is made from tree resin. Both very grounding.
2. Play songs from my playlist- recent songs that I love, that don't remind me of anything unpleasant.
3. I wrap up in a soft quilt.
4. I remember all the women in my life I've appreciated- my favorite teachers, my counselor, etc.
5. I make myself some hot chocolate.
6. I may try to read a book for a bit or turn on a comedy sometimes.
7. I remind myself the feeling will pass, and don't try to talk myself out of it, but to remember I am safe now, alright now, and do a little fact-checking- it's 2014, I'm safe at home (or whereever) in control, etc.

I know about this book but I can't order it. I barely have enough money to eat two meals a day. My parents won't give me more money and I can't seem to find steady work.

Here is an Amazon giftcard for $20: I sent the code to you in a private message. You can use it to order the book and have it shipped to you. I added some grounding techniques for flashbacks to the post above, hope it helps.

Good morning,

How very kind of you to give such a nice gift.

Regards,

Sabra

wow, that is so nice of you, such a nice expression of help and wanting to help someone else, you are a true inspiration. I am sending you many blessings leah. I hope it goes to good use.

...OMG. That actually made me cry. Thank you thank you thank you. You're too kind. I promise to put it to good use. I actually decided to get out of bed and go to DBT despite really REALLY not wanting to.

Thank you. You're amazing.

Leah, this made my day to see this. Hugs to you & growli both.

I might add that I have that book and find it useful as well. I'm in psychodynamic therapy and have never done DBT, either formally or with my therapist, but I find it helpful just to use on my own.

Growli-my first time was much like yours is now. I thought it was a waste of time & money. I didn't feel like I was getting anything out of it. My first time was more learning what the skills were and this time around has been more about applying them and finding ways to make them useful/applicable in my life. It's not been easy and it takes a lot of work but it is possible. I really hope the suggested book helps you. I would like to help more but don't know how right now. It will get better/easier if you stick with it.

Book just came in the mail today. Thank you so much!!!!! It is less annoying and more interesting than what I experience in DBT for some reason. This could be for a few reasons
1) I like books and this book is new and smells like a new book and I LOVE that
2) I don't feel like I'm being forced into the content when I look at it on my own so I don't feel the need to rebel like a teenager
3) I can read stuff wildly out of order, pick and choose what I want to read, and come back to other stuff later
4) Lots of lists. Lists are good. Hence the list I'm writing now.

Regardless of the reason, THANK YOU!

I'm really glad you received it and think it's promising. I really liked it too: it was my therapist's pick for me and I thought she did well. I've worked through a couple chapters, but we also jump around a bit, I agree with you it's nice to have the control and take what I like and leave the rest.

Friday we're going to work on a calming word, one of the exercises in the book, so I've been thinking about mine, something to cue a relaxation response, I am inspired hearing back from you to really keep up with the DBT.

Leah and growl this made my day!!!!

For what it is worth, my CBT T is going to start giving me DBT printouts during the weeks he is away on his consulting gigs.

It is a clever way to keep me feeling connected to him AND learning to be more independent from my T's at the same time. So maybe I'll follow along with you!!!!

Not sure which book my T will be giving me sheets from, but I think I have the same book in e-book format----My focus jumps around too. Distress tolerance and interpersonal effectiveness are hot topics for me.