T burnout

I am so scared that this is happening to my T as far as dealing with me. I am confused , angry, feeling completely out of control. there is so much I want to say to her about what has been going on but I don't think she wants to hear it. I think she is so so tired of me and my crap. I have told her I am sorry but how far can that go. I know I have acted like a spoiled selfish brat. I know I need to get over what my farther has done to me in the last few weeks . things have gotten back to being ok with him. now that my son has gone he is leaving me alone .at least for now.

BUT I cant seem to get all this horrible stuff out of my head, that I am a horrible mother. a horrible daughter and wife. I am completely consumed by it. I wake up with thoughts of all the horrible things I did and how my farther has a right to act and feel the way he does towards me. my T just doesn't seem to understand at all how horrible I was when I was living with him. I am completely out of control with these thoughts. I cant tell her for so many reasons. why would I give her even more reason to hate me. I am already a horrible spoiled brat in here eyes. I don't know how to be around her . I am at a complete loss as to how to fix this . I don't know if it can . I am angry at her. I thought I could tell her anything . even how I felt about what my farther does. it hurt when she told me im not protecting my son .

im in such a dark mood ,i'm SIing and that isn't even helping . im trying to get out of the house but every time I do I feel like the people I get together with hate me so much. I hate being around them because it hurts. I know im on a huge pity party and feeling sorry for myself and that makes me even more repulsed. it is a huge spiral that I cant get myself out of . I am so so angry at everything . I know that even if I go to T I will hate everything my T says . but I don't think I would be so wrong in that at this point. just ranting hoping I can just burn out for tonight and sleep

Oh Granite I relate to every word you say but please take good care of yourself. I am so sad to hear the hurt in your post. Keep strong. Things will improve. I'm sorry I don't know what more to say except that I am thinking of you and sending you gentle hugs. Xx

granite what makesyou think your T is sick of you? Something she did or said?

the act that she has been boot camp T for the last few weeks, that she said stuff like "it isn't complicated, figure it out" being so angry about the situation with my farther. that I cant be what she wants at all.

honestly I cant sit through another session with her being boot camp T again .I feel like a tightly wound thread that is about to explode big time and I cant see that as good for anyone

Are you misinterpreting her due to transference? It sounds like that may possibly be the case.

hazelgirl what transference do you see?? maybe I am but I think the things I see and hear are quite clear. I know she is angry. or else she would not be the way she is. . I don't know all this is a horrible way I am feeling .I just keep hoping I can just temper tantrum out today and just sleep and get over it but the anger is huge .the horribleness is big and just isn't going away . it just seems to be getting worse as the days go on .

From what you have written, your T has not at all seemed tired of or angry with you. On the contrary, it sounds like she is fed up with how you have been treated both in the past and now. She seems to care a great deal about your welfare. You have a tendency (as you show in your first post here) to think people don't like you or are angry ot tired of you. It doesn't seem to be based on what is really going on though (except from your family which is what your T wishes wasn't happening to you).

what I wish for most right now is for my head to be calm ,stay calm, see my T and tell her that my thoughts are out of control big time and for her to not be angry at me about it and to help me get control of them again. not be angry because I allowed myself to be treated like this from my father . really I have no idea how not to when I am in the middle of the situation. I know she wants me to be that person . I am so tired of disappointing people.

It sounds to me like you really need some help here. You certainly sound very very uncomfortable.

Do you have psychiatrist? Can you get a referral to one? I think you need some relief and pretty quickly.

From what you wrote, it sounds as though you are in an agitated depression. I've been there. Horrible Horrible feeling. But it can get better.

I hope there are some people you can reach out to tomorrow and can help facillitate that relief for you.

I hate that feeling you are going through right now, so many uncertainties. You want to go to session but not be confronted by boot camp t, maybe you can write down all those feelings and hand it to her , before you even sit down.

Tell her you are feeling extremely anxious. That you need the gentle side of her if only for this session .

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thanks for all the support last night. I finely fell asleep after taking my Xanax. my T doesn't want me taking that but at least it put me to sleep .instead of being up and bothering my husband and peeps here. thank you so much for putting up with me last night . I am alone today and have no place to be so I am really trying to be calm and just stay in my craft room and distress but I am already anxious about stupid things this morning . I need to pull myself together because my husband is getting upset because I wont call my NP. all they will do is give me more drugs. I have that and it will just make me feel more humiliated about everything. I know that it must be horrible for him to have to deal with my attitude but I am trying to stay away from him and hide in my room and craft room. he just keeps saying that he wishes he could do something to make me happy. im going to try and say something to my T tomorrow but I don't know what to do if I go in there and see her as still being angry at me

Thanks for checking in Granite. I was worried last night. Good luck tomorrow. I am thinking of you and send gentle hugs.

I do feel completely humiliated about what is going on with me. its like everything in my life is perfect but again I cant appreciate any of it. I cant get out of my head. I don't want my T to yell at me. grrrrr

(((CHICKIE)))

I am sorry you are feeling so awful. Do you think you can spend some time today writing or drawing a pic to show T what is going on with you? Even if it's a bunch of scribbles...just some way of letting out the frustration and anger (yes, anger) on something other than yourself.

I care about you.

Granite, one of my friends posted this on facebook this morning, and I thought it might be helpful for you to have to show people: Here's An Easy Way To Understand Anxiety - The Meta Picture

Those of us on here get it, for the most part. You are struggling with this and it does happen over and over. Your therapist has not yet helped you to develop the skill to interrupt the loop that starts happening in your head. I wish she would focus on that with instead of just snapping at you or telling you to just figure it out.

Here's another article I thought was super helpful, Granite: Emotional Flashbacks Complex PTSD Article

It really sounds like what you are experiencing are emotional flashbacks.

I don't want to monopolize your thread, but here is part of the article that shows what I wish your T would do with you: "Teaching such clients to recognize when they have polarized into inner-critic catastrophizing, and modeling to them how to resist it with thought stopping and thought substitution, are essential steps in managing flashbacks."

This checklist is similar to what my T is trying to do with me:

Back to Top Managing Emotional Flashbacks: A Handout for Clients

1. Say to yourself: "I am having a flashback." Flashbacks take us into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as we were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.
2. Remind yourself: "I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present." Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past.
3. Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.
4. Speak reassuringly to your Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally—that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared.
5. Deconstruct eternity thinking. In childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless—a safer future was unimaginable. Remember the flashback will pass as it has many times before.
6. Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. (Feeling small and little is a sure sign of a flashback.)
7. Ease back into your body. Fear launches us into "heady" worrying, or numbing and spacing out.

• Gently ask your body to relax. Feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. (Tightened musculature sends unnecessary danger signals to the brain.)
• Breathe deeply and slowly. (Holding the breath also signals danger.)
• Slow down. Rushing presses the psyche's panic button.
• Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a closet or a bath, take a nap.
• Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it.

8. Resist the Inner Critic's catastrophizing. (a) Use thought-stopping to halt its exaggeration of danger and need to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self-attack into saying no to unfair self-criticism.
(b) Use thought-substitution to replace negative thinking with a memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments.
9. Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate—and then soothe—the child's past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection.
10. Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don't let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn't mean you are shameful. Educate those close to you about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them.
11. Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes. Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.
12. Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to our still-unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met.
13. Be patient with a slow recovery process. It takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradual process—often two steps forward, one step back. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback.

Granite, I have been in this state and it was my own personal hell. I'm sorry that you are going through it.

I have pulled out of these depressive anxiety spirals, with the help of therapy and exercise and constant mood management. But, I don't know what exactly fixed it or if I am 100% fixed. I do know that it doesn't have to always feel like that and that when you're in the middle of it, it's quite frightening and awful to experience.

I agree with MCAK, it sounds like an emotional flashback.

The only thing I'd add is, T's should not get tired of you like a friend or family member would. That's why they become therapists -- to deal with this stuff.

I hope you take care of you and find comfort.

Love what MKAC posted.