Therapy doesn't heal, just make you obsessed

Thanks for your replies.
I can't answer to all of your posts so I will try to say it in one post.

I didn't say that EVERYONE is obsessed but MOST OF PEOPLE.
I have that opinion because here are so many posts about hugs from therapist, emailing therapist, personal information about therapist, feeling rejected or sad because of therapist, romantic feelings for therapist, missing therapist, hating boundaries etc.

Interesting that many people who wrote posts like that didn't replie here.

And I'm not critical to people who are obsessed with their therapists like someone here said, I really understand them, I'm sorry people feel this way.

I don't believe that my obsessive relationships could heal me because my therapy is not therapy for a long time.
It's too hard to hear from my therapist- I thought that hugs and kisses are okay, I thought I can help you with my love and touches but than I understood I'm so wrong, I'm so bad therapist, we hugged as a lovers, it never can be part of therapy, I'm feeling so guilty, we have to stop it.

How can we just stop it (I mean hugs etc) and live like nothing happened, I can't erace it from my memories. Sometimes I want to leave him, I even told him I want to leave but he said he will miss me. I told him I can't continue our 'therapy' if I can't touch him anymore because it's everything I want. I know it's crazy. I don't know why but the most horrible thing is that I can't even hug him anymore. I know I can't keep my word, I was lying so many times that I won't touch him but I can't control myself, I'm losing my mind when I see him. Maybe I have to stay away from him but I will never be in therapy with someone else. I hate therapists. I hate therapy. I hate boundaries.

I'm sure it wouldn't be better if we never touched because I was obsessed with this before we touched and when it happened I was so happy, I was so high.

I'm not asking for help, just saying my experience and thoughts. I'm not the only one.
Maybe I'm too blind to see good things.

Therapy hurts. It hurts when I can't know him, when we can't be friends, when we can't see each other outside this cold therapy room, when we can't hug and kiss.
I told him everything and maybe we will part.

I understand where you are coming from, the therapeutic relationship alone, is so so abnormal, its so lopsided , its weird to start with, I had problems in the begining with that, you start to develop feelings and curiosities and ect... the lines become blurred, but you dont get answers, (boundaries) they say, or they do answer, then they suddenly retract ( oops I may have crossed a boundary by answering with this client, let me take it back, let me tighten boundaries) not all therapists do this, but some do, this has not happened to me, but I have read some posts like this, and its so not fair.

Yeah, I really hate it when he can't say something because he crosses his boundaries by saying this.
I was suprised he started to tell me he was thinking about my kisses and he could sleep with me if he weren't my therapist. It was the only good thing he told me last session
When 'therapy' is like that I love it but when it's like "I can't tell you anything" I hate it because it's not fair.

Yeah, I really hate it when he can't say something because he crosses his boundaries by saying this.
I was suprised he started to tell me he was thinking about my kisses and he could sleep with me if he weren't my therapist. It was the only good thing he told me last session
When 'therapy' is like that I love it but when it's like "I can't tell you anything" I hate it because it's not fair.

I know that to me it can seem as if therapy is a really negative thing when I read some of the posts here (but only some of them!), so I can understand what you mean. But I think that what most people post on this forum is actually not a major part of their entire lives. Here's what I think:

* Most people who go to therapy don't come to this forum, so we don't know what therapy is like for most people, based on what people write here. (I do know that at least in my country, it is a small minority of people who go to long-term therapy - most therapy patients do it short-term.)

* For those who post here, many need to post when therapy is not going well. Maybe they need advice, or support, or just a place to vent. That makes it look as if all therapy does is cause this need, but it is a skewed picture.

* And we also have a fair amount of threads about positive experiences of therapy. Some people are really good about posting when things are going well. (I wish I were better at that, myself!)

* As for obsessing about our therapists, that's actually not true for many of us. I know that I don't think about my therapist most of the time, but when I post here (which I do in order to connect to my friends here) I tend to say something about therapy or about my therapist, because that's the reason I am at this forum after all.

* Sometimes I do think a lot about therapy and my therapist between sessions, but that doesn't mean that all my life is eaten up by it. And when I have a period when I wish I could go to therapy every day (I certainly go through those periods from time to time) I probably seem more obsessed in my posts than I actually am. Again, because that is the purpose of this forum - I write about my T on here, but I don't talk about him to other people, and I don't think about him all day long. Maybe I would like for him to say that he cares about me, and dislike the boundary that prevents him from saying that - that is not obsession, I think, it is pretty natural to want the only person who knows my secrets to like me in spite of that. At least I hope it is natural.

* And, as several other people have also said, it is certainly possible to think about one's therapist all day long, but in many cases that is a passing phase, something a person can go through for a while and then come out of. It can even be a necessary part of therapy for some people, to learn how not to obsess about other people. Some people go to a second therapist to get some perspective on their therapy - but some people go to see a second doctor to get another opinion about their physical health!

Long story short, it can be a bad thing to treat what other people write here as something that has to be true about our own therapy. This is a different kind of example, but it kind of illustrates the same thing, I think: I used to be really afraid that my T would terminate me out of the blue, because it has happened to a few people on these boards - but I have come to realise that it is a bit silly of me to base my expectations on other people's experiences of other therapists, rather than my own experience of my own T.

If the best thing your therapist has told you is that he'd have sex with you if you weren't a client, then you need a new T.

You don't go to the dentist to know about the dentists personal opinions or to know about their life, you go for dental treatment. Their personal life, their opinions are not, or shouldn't be the reason you're in therapy. Now that's not to say you shouldn't or likely won't be curious, but the therapist should be the rational/logical one who knows that this should be about you and not about them. Telling a client you'd have sex with them if they weren't a client isn't good therapy.

The tradeoff hasn't been that bad for me. When I came to therapy I was suicidal, having panic attacks, overwhelmed with anxiety to the degree I threw up several times from anxiousness alone. Most days I would lament how little I wanted to live, and how I couldn't die because I don't want to hurt anyone around me. It was quite literally, the most miserable I've ever been in my entire life. I couldn't stop visualizing my suicide scene. That's not healthy!

Of course now that I'm in therapy life is not perfect. Do I want to sleep with my therapist? Sure, sometimes I guess. Am I obsessed? Probably a little. Could my therapist hurt me? At this point, certainly yes. But let's be fair, a bunch of other people could hurt me too, I've also wanted to sleep with other people, what a slut! It's almost like being human I have human instincts I will say though I still think too much about my therapist. I'm not obsessed to the degree I can't go to work and live my life, it's not a purely sexual obsession either, although part of me wants to pretend it is.

Doesn't surprise me I think of my T too much, he is kind, he is nice to me, he makes me feel like I could be loveable!!!, I wonder if he cares about me, because no one is supposed to... and it's so important because if I had many people like that in my life, I probably wouldn't need a therapist. It's all I wanted my whole life, someone to kind of fill in that parent role I never had, and let me be selfish and show only love back. It makes me sad, and angry, and happy, and obsessed, and in love. I feel alive again!

Melania, I'm not judging you. I'm judging your T. He sounds terrible. He sounds like someone crossing boundaries and I think that's why this is so painful for you. You need to leave him, if you can.

I wrote an email to my therapist that I think it would be better for us if I leave. He replied that we should talk about it at session.

I feel better if you all judge me not my therapist. I think he is the best for me. He thinks he is bad therapist, he feels guilty, I don't want him to feel this way.
Crossing boundaries was the best part of our relationships (maybe it sounds crazy) but it's hard when he wants to be so ethical and cold again.
He wants to be good and ethical therapist but it's killing me.
The problem is me. I am really bad client.

The problem is DEFINITELY not you. You are paying your therapist to be a responsible, caring, consistent, professional, and helpful.

He's not doing that. It's terrible. He should not be disclosing wanting to have sex with you or anything of the sort. Not therapeutic. Confusing, unhelpful, distressing. That's my take on it.

You have it totally backwards. How do I know that, without being there? Because you're talking as if you're the therapist, the one with the responsibility to act in a healing, professional, boundaried manner, when you're not the therapist. You're the client.

What you said, that he said he would sleep with you if you were not a client, is just a straightforward unethical, unprincipled, harmful thing to say. If that is what he said, he has a problem. People with problems like that should not be doing therapy.

You're entitled to feel like a mess, melania, that's basically why we get into therapy- something's not working right, we're in pain, we're feeling mess, etc., we see a therapist to help with that, not so we blame ourselves for being a mess because they aren't helping us.

He told me this just because I asked. I asked and he was honest. I like that people are honest.
Oh why I told this here...

Thank you for your kind words but I can't forgive myself if I say that it's his fault because I know it is my fault.

Melania, the problem is that those boundaries were already crossed. You can't just put that back in the box. It's not ever going to work. You know that. In order to get well, you have to find a new T. And don't let him guilt you into staying by saying he will miss you. That's bull**** and when he does that, he makes therapy about him and not about you.

It is NOT your fault. Just like many victims who are abused, you blame yourself when the blame rests completely on your idiotic and horribly incompetent therapist.

He told me this just because I asked. I asked and he was honest. I like that people are honest.
Oh why I told this here...

Thank you for your kind words but I can't forgive myself if I say that it's his fault because I know it is my fault.