Therapy doesn't heal, just make you obsessed

People are in therapy for years. At first they think about their problems and how to help themselves but then therapy turns to obsessesion with therapist.I've been reading so many posts here and I can say that most of people are really obsessed with their therapists, therapist becomes one of the most important person of your life, you are so interested in him/her, you think about him/her most time of your day, sometimes you feel sad, hurted, rejected because of your therapist, you want to know so much about him/her, some of you want his/her hugs or touches, some of you need another therapist to talk about your therapist, for some of you your therapist is the biggest problem, some of you really hate boundaries, some of you dream about sex with your therapist.

Do you really think it's healthy and helpful? Do you want to spend all your life thinking about your therapist who will never be your friend, who you see once a week and pay for it?

I just wanted to share my thoughts.

I wouldn't really say that, I definitely became attached to the Therapist who I saw for 4 years but I would never really say that I was obsessed with her.

Maybe obsessed wasn't the right word but I hope you understand what I wanted to say with this.

I think some people are completely obsessed with their T.

I don't think I am obsessed with T. I don't think about her all the time to say the least. I know a lot about her but not because I am obsessed with her. Over the past 6 years it has come up within sessions. I sometimes get really frustrated with how long I have seen T but then I realize that after years of abuse and the internal pain it caused it is not something I am going to reverse overnight. Plus because of my past and having three teenagers which include 2 boys with ADHD I have severe anxiety about parenting. I know I am way over protective (T does not think I am though) and T has really helped me to allow my kids to grow up and do many things I could never do before...

I agree with you, they can be soul sucking heart breakers.

Like anything else - it seems to help some people with some things. Not everyone with everything.

What I am trying to say is that yes my Therapist does become an important person in my life but that doesn't mean that all I ever do is think about her and I can certainly keep my urges under control.

I'm a "normal" person with a respected, full-time job. I had a "normal" childhood. I didn't think it would happen to me, but yes...

...I have obsessive thoughts about my T. I wish I knew the real him, I think of him often, count the days between sessions, feel saddened I'm one of many clients and am attracted to/love a man who's no more than a blank slate and entirely off-limits.

It sucks a lot.

BUT, and maybe I'm wrong here, I think it's worthwhile to uncover what's underlying my obsession and work to correct it through real-life relationships over time. Very few parts of my obsession/endearment/transference are a secret to my T and we're working on developing better relationships outside the therapy room.

For now, even with al the pain he causes me I think it's worthwhile to continue therapy.

Melania, your post made me laugh. The whole first paragraph, that's me, totally. I felt this way about an ex-T once, and it was a very healing relationship. I got over it, of course.

New T, not so much, if at all. And so far this round of therapy is not working. I like having a person to obsess about, I guess.

I'm probably obsessed with my therapist but I have OCD so it was bound to happen. Plus she knows everything about me, all my secrets, all my flaws, all my problems so I really think it was bound to happen. In the end, she is pretty much the reason I am alive and the reason I continue to live. I think the positives outway the negatives definitely.

hi. i think is wrong of u to generalize that way. it isnt like that for all people. yeah i agree many here, too many actually, have unhealthy relationships with their Ts but is either caz they have bad Ts and/or they just dont know what therapy is all about. i was never obsessed with any of my Ts, had good boundaries and always knew what therapy was about. tc

I think about her every day because therapy is one of the only things I look forward to. I am going to see another new therapist on Wednesday to try to fix my OCD.

I don't have a bad therapist.

Yes, many people come to this website to express their internal and external conflict regarding their T. But it is a very big assumption to make to say that it is bad for EVERYONE because they ALL get obsessed with there therapists.

I personally have never had any kind of remote fascination with any of my therapists like I've read on some posts here. Yes, we become close and have a good relationship. But it has never broken boundaries or gone beyond a doctor-client status.

I have had people come to me saying that therapy never worked for them... That's the thing. Therapy doesn't do the work for you. You have to take the skills they present to you and apply them to your life. THAT'S when therapy works. It isn't done in the office. It's done when you leave it.

I believe therapy can be very beneficial. It has helped me tremendously. I am a completely different person due to the strict behavioral/cognitive training I've done.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Ones attachments and feelings towards a therapist completely relate and connect to ones relationships and feelings towards other people in the world. Dealing with the feelings and things that go on in therapy help deal with everything outside of it. If one gets obsessed with their therapist that expresses problems such as attachment problems or lack of self esteem and a bunch of other things. Also, I might be attached to my therapist and have gone through periods of obsession but have gotten through it and it has made me more self aware and has helped me with my problems. Another thing is that it is all worth it because without therapy I wouldn't be alive right now and everything and I seriously mean everything has gotten better, maybe I have step backs and some things havent gotten noticably better but I can see a bunch of improvements. You have to understand that therapy is just another relationship and if problems occur in the relationship it expresses problems in others as well.

I've been in therapy, for a decent part of the last 6-7 years, erring on 6, since it was end of '07. Granted I went a bit, as a child, dads an educator, parents divorced, and he felt it in best interests, whichconsidering nature of divorce, and I agree. And I went a bit, during college, dealing with two, very important father figures ailing health and a roller coaster long term romantic relationship, it was necessary, even if I never told my parents. I've spent this time period, sorting through and abusive marriage, and abuse past divorce. Sorted out my relationship needs, red flag indicators, work related issues, parenting a bit, he feels I've fostered a very loving, trusting bond with my sons(despite my moments of struggles, two kids of three with developmental disabilities), I've made therapy work for me. Any extra outside work, is about myself not them.

But I get what you mean, I believe. It would seem counterproductive, to spend so much time and money,,to make life about the fantasy effect of anyone, much less my t.

But, just pointing out, some of us, longer term clients have other reasons to be in so long, not this reason, that's brought forth.

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I've never crossed any boundaries and have a good relationship with my T, but I admit that I think the experience often borders on obsession. Once you start thinking about yourself, why you do things, it's easy to get caught up with over-thinking everything - including the therapy.

I think it can be both. Healing, but also an obsession. My therapy has been very healing, but I have been obsessed with it as well - even if I didn't cross any boundaries. I think about it everyday, regardless if I have an appointment that week, next week, or a month from now.

Melania -

I don't think this is a fair characterization.

For some, there can be a period of obsession that is part of the journey, but if the therapist knows what they are doing it won't last that long... much less "all their life" as you fear.

I'm wondering why you feel compelled to be critical of those who suffer from an issue they'd much rather not have to deal with? If someone finds themselves obsessing, it's simply a sign that there is something there that needs attention - to be worked out between client and therapist.

I think you might want to read up on psychological projection, Melania. Since every post you've ever written is "obsessed" filled erotic transference.

In case it escaped your attention... this board is called Psychotherapy. People don't come here to debate the price of bread, they come here specifically to talk about therapy. Not everyone is "obsessed" as you put it, but going thru very difficult times and it can weigh on the mind like any other problem in life and it's a relief to come here and talk to others going thru the same thing and not be judged... although increasingly it would seem like non-judegement is becoming something of a precious commodity on these boards lately.

(((melania)))

You sound a bit angry or frustrated. Do you want to talk about your situation? I'm sure there are some willing to listen. I hope things get better for you soon.

I don't think therapy in of itself makes you obsessed. It depends on the client and what issues they bring into therapy with them. Sometimes therapists have difficulty handling certain situations, which may create a problem.

I've never really had that problem... Then again I have AvPD traits and I don't seek much attention from other people other than my husband. I actually don't like my T's personality very much and probably wouldn't care for hanging out with her outside of therapy if given the chance. But she helps as a T because she teaches mindfulness and focusing on being in the present and not the past like I have been stuck in. I have had many different Ts throughout the years too and I never really got attached to any of them except 1 of them who I saw for a year and a half. He helped me a lot with trauma so I had to be comfortable with him. Other than that, I haven't cared that much about my therapists. I have a hard time caring for most people though.

If I wasn't obsessed with her, I'd be obsessed with someone else. At least she is prepared to handle it and work with me on it. The only thing worse than intense mommy issues surfacing with a therapist is intense mommy issues surfacing with someone random. Well as far as mommy issues go. I imagine that romantic or erotic feeling would be even more invasive and hard to handle.

It gives me something to think about that is more positive than feeling completely empty all of the time and cycling through painful memories. It makes me feel loved and cared for and helps me keep my sui thoughts passive because I know how upset and guilty she'd feel if I did commit. Is it healthy to be *that* dependent on anyone or anything for that matter? Absolutely not. But it is a start.

I know that to me it can seem as if therapy is a really negative thing when I read some of the posts here (but only some of them!), so I can understand what you mean. But I think that what most people post on this forum is actually not a major part of their entire lives. Here's what I think:

* Most people who go to therapy don't come to this forum, so we don't know what therapy is like for most people, based on what people write here. (I do know that at least in my country, it is a small minority of people who go to long-term therapy - most therapy patients do it short-term.)

* For those who post here, many need to post when therapy is not going well. Maybe they need advice, or support, or just a place to vent. That makes it look as if all therapy does is cause this need, but it is a skewed picture.

* And we also have a fair amount of threads about positive experiences of therapy. Some people are really good about posting when things are going well. (I wish I were better at that, myself!)

* As for obsessing about our therapists, that's actually not true for many of us. I know that I don't think about my therapist most of the time, but when I post here (which I do in order to connect to my friends here) I tend to say something about therapy or about my therapist, because that's the reason I am at this forum after all.

* Sometimes I do think a lot about therapy and my therapist between sessions, but that doesn't mean that all my life is eaten up by it. And when I have a period when I wish I could go to therapy every day (I certainly go through those periods from time to time) I probably seem more obsessed in my posts than I actually am. Again, because that is the purpose of this forum - I write about my T on here, but I don't talk about him to other people, and I don't think about him all day long. Maybe I would like for him to say that he cares about me, and dislike the boundary that prevents him from saying that - that is not obsession, I think, it is pretty natural to want the only person who knows my secrets to like me in spite of that. At least I hope it is natural.

* And, as several other people have also said, it is certainly possible to think about one's therapist all day long, but in many cases that is a passing phase, something a person can go through for a while and then come out of. It can even be a necessary part of therapy for some people, to learn how not to obsess about other people. Some people go to a second therapist to get some perspective on their therapy - but some people go to see a second doctor to get another opinion about their physical health!

Long story short, it can be a bad thing to treat what other people write here as something that has to be true about our own therapy. This is a different kind of example, but it kind of illustrates the same thing, I think: I used to be really afraid that my T would terminate me out of the blue, because it has happened to a few people on these boards - but I have come to realise that it is a bit silly of me to base my expectations on other people's experiences of other therapists, rather than my own experience of my own T.

There are two types of people with obsessions in therapy.

1. Those obsessed with the therapist
2. Those obsessed with the therapy and/or talking about themselves

Though I would say I was fond of my therapist, it was more the latter in that I really enjoyed bringing up my innermost thoughts. I miss that more then I miss the therapist, not that I don't miss her.

btw, I did go though the odd day where I'd think about my therapist a lot. But mostly, it was about me, what I want to talk about, how we're going to find a solution etc...

When you think about you're therapist too much, that could be a way of escaping other things that are bothering you. It's a bit like someone who gets addicted to say drugs or alcohol, videogames. If you're addicted to your therapist or the therapy, think why that is.