[Ambra]

So the day has come. I feel silly and maybe in the end I'll tell myself I've been a complete idiot for thinking all this. The fact is, I'm in a horrible horrible place right now and my therapist is not helping at the moment.
For some good reasons (positive news for me actually) I got an appointment fixed on therapy day and today I sent a text to my T to ask her if it would be possible to anticipate/move the appointment, only if it won't be a problem. Well, it's 1 am here and T hasn't got back to me. She's read it straight after. A million other things may have come in between but I can't help imagining her say "this ****ing girl, again". I never contact her between sessions. I did it once in a true emergency: she doesn't allow/encourage contact between sessions BUT answered soon after and it was late evening, and she took the time to read tons of stuff I handed her thinking we would read them in session but she did it between sessions. Usually reaches out to me when I struggle in session and has been great to me even when she was not supposed to. Now that I just need a very plain answer/time confirmation, is it possible that my therapist is fed up of me and has abandoned me? I mean, I'm needy but don't want to look like that, I really don't harass my therapist usually. And I wouldn't care too much if I wasn't worried for her.

I perfectly know I'm being stupid and nonsense and I'm going to laugh over it (probably).
It just happens in a moment when the people I love the most are getting tired of me: my mother says we don't need another problem (when I tried to tell her about my ed), my grandma whom I love has just rejected me and my father doesn't speak to me anymore. So just a bad day.

Sorry and thanks if you had the patience to read this.

[Leah123]

I'm sorry you're having a bad day and hope your T comes through for you soon. I definitely don't think she's abandoning you, nor do I think you're being stupid or too needy. Hope you'll try and be kind to yourself while you wait, have a favorite drink, turn on a song you love, think of something good about yourself, whatever helps.

[Beatzen]

It sounds like projection on your part. Your t is maybe busy. She will get back to you. She has always in the past, it sounds like. It is your insecurity. I feel for you but I think the best thing is to wait it out. I hope she contacts u soon. Try to let it go.

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[Ambra]

Thank you, let's wait for tomorrow (well, I asked for a change so I hope she will at least confirm or deny the switch as I wouldn't even know what I'm supposed to do on that day if I don't hear anything). The worst thing is that I'm worried about her as silly as it may sound.
Thanks Leah! I'll try to be kind to myself and patient.

And yes it's my insecurity and I hate that I can see she read my text and when.
I feel so rejected by everyone here, this was the worst day to ask for a change, but who knew. On one hand I wish T told me she doesn't want to hear from me anymore, so I could cry, vent and grieve properly for all the ruptures I'm having in these 2 days and then leave everything behind. But she probably won't.

[Beatzen]

Remember she hasn't answered you yet. She doesn't understand how important her response is to you. Could you share this?

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[Ambra]

Yes, let's try to be rational. Actually I had never considered the idea of t not understanding how important it is (I have self esteem issues but I usually don't panic so much about responses, I think I got triggered by the last days events and by the fact she saw my text straight after I sent it). How come a t doesn't know? Maybe because I hardly ever cross boundaries and am usually very rational (!) in that office. I don't know if I can bring this up. I'd love to but will be afraid to look demanding.. I'd like to, though.

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[Ambra]

My therapist got back to me. Short answer, but at least I know she's fine and when I have to go to session.

By the way, in a very low moment I contacted another therapist just to see how it feels and to feel less rejected (i don't know what's going on in my mind at the moment..!) as I had never chosen/established contact with a t personally. I got a polite but dry answer. I hope the next session wih my T will give me some relief because I don't want to feel rejected by her too, and NO WAY I'm changing t.

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[Aloneandafraid]

I've been through a very similar thing this week and I know exactly how you feel. I wish I could stop myself feeling this needy but it happens every week. I try hard not to feel this but I do and I want to stop. It hurts.

[Ambra]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

I've been through a very similar thing this week and I know exactly how you feel. I wish I could stop myself feeling this needy but it happens every week. I try hard not to feel this but I do and I want to stop. It hurts.

Thanks! Sorry you're having a hard time too I'm sure we become more needy when something upsetting happens in our lives. I'm usually needy (even though I contact my therapist only for rescheduling) but in a "better", healthier way. And I think that's ok.
This time I experienced a very distressing way to be needy though, and I don't like it. I want to make a distinction and see it as an exception due to a major rupture at home.

While I was waiting for an answer I panicked and found this brilliant way to prevent the 4th rejection of the day: emailing this other therapist (who scared me a bit actually). Well I just added to the mix. After that, my T wrote me "Sure, XX pm?". Load off my chest. I just want to go there and cry the whole time. I'll stop spamming now, promise. I really needed to vent.