[rainbow8]

Before I give in to my urge, I thought I'd see what you guys suggest. This has been a hard week, emotionally, due to the way T reinstated touching into my session. I already emailed her once about that. The previous 2 weeks I didn't email her at all; I felt satisfied and secure with the connection we had.

I still feel the connection, but it feels a little spoiled because of her clinical approach. I think I will get used to it, but right now it bothers me. I see her next week and then not for 3 weeks because I'll be away. The problem is that there is a lot I want to tell her and there's never time in the sessions anymore.

I also am thinking about her divorce again. I slipped back and googled her, just the page with her website and listings. I know she added her maiden name to her business cards and name on the door, but now I saw it on these sites. I wonder, if I hadn't guessed, and I saw the name addition, I would have asked her about it. Then I would have been more angry that she didn't tell me.

So, I think this is transference about my feeling left out, something we've discussed a lot in my therapy. I know it's not about her. She's willing to talk about my feelings about her divorce more, but with the SE last time we didn't have time. We could do SE about it if I write it down so I won't forget.

I feel so sad when I see the other name there! In addition to feeling left out, it's my feeling that nothing was supposed to change! I don't like changes! I
"fit" (I know it's transference and fantasy) into my T's family but now that's gone. He's gone. It tears me apart somehow.

I don't know if it's a good idea to try to control my urge to email or not. I also want to tell her about some good things that happened this week. She'll be glad to hear about them. I liked the feeling of not needing to email her. Suppressing that urge doesn't seem helpful to me. I don't "want to want it". That's the goal.

So, could I have some feedback, please? Not about the touching. I have to work that out with my T, maybe have her slow down and just go back to simply holding my hand and taking it away slowly, one finger at a time, like we did during the session. I think I was overwhelmed with it all, as changes always bother me, including the change of seasons! Thanks!

Just want to add, in case anyone new is reading, that my T doesn't answer my emails. When I email, it's just to "get it out" and I feel better knowing she knows what I'm feeling.

[Leah123]

What if you printed this and brought it to session? You'd have that sense of the feelings you have right in this moment being preserved, so she'd still get that experience of reading exactly how you're feeling, but it would allow you to sit with it for now, watch how it shifts over time, and still know you'd be able to talk about it faster than if you tried to just talk anything out without this printout. Like: "T: I want to discuss this for 15 minutes and then switch to SE." or something?

I know it's a struggle to deal with the "there's not enough time" feeling. I think you know I'm not against email in general, but it sounds like you'd consider it more beneficial 48 hours from now, when these issues aren't pressing you, to know that you did not email her, rather than giving into an internal pressure if you don't think it will be helpful in the big picture.

Also, this might be an excellent time to engage in some DBT pleasurable distractions or reaching out to help others, or maybe writing a long emotional letter about how the divorce feels, even more than you have, to help you vent it and let go of it for now.

Interesting these needs for more have started up at the same time she reinstated the touching . . .

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Interesting these needs for more have started up at the same time she reinstated the touching . . .

That's not true. Two weeks ago she let me hold her hand again, and after that session I had NO urge, none at all, to contact her. I hardly thought about her during those 2 weeks. I was fine. It's not about holding her hand; I know that. I know some people will say "it's the touching; it's not good for you". I will keep your comment in mind, though. Thank you.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Leah123

What if you printed this and brought it to session? You'd have that sense of the feelings you have right in this moment being preserved, so she'd still get that experience of reading exactly how you're feeling, but it would allow you to sit with it for now, watch how it shifts over time, and still know you'd be able to talk about it faster than if you tried to just talk anything out without this printout. Like: "T: I want to discuss this for 15 minutes and then switch to SE." or something?

I know it's a struggle to deal with the "there's not enough time" feeling. I think you know I'm not against email in general, but it sounds like you'd consider it more beneficial 48 hours from now, when these issues aren't pressing you, to know that you did not email her, rather than giving into an internal pressure if you don't think it will be helpful in the big picture.

Also, this might be an excellent time to engage in some DBT pleasurable distractions or reaching out to help others, or maybe writing a long emotional letter about how the divorce feels, even more than you have, to help you vent it and let go of it for now.

My T doesn't like me to read emails to her but I know she can't stop me. She always wants to know how I feel NOW, in the present, at the session. So it's a dilemma, because "now" is always changing! I haven't painted in a couple of months but something is stopping me. I don't feel well enough to do that; it seems like typing is all I feel like doing. That's in answer to distraction.

It's hard because it's a physical urge to email her. My substitute behavior is posting on PC. I need to follow my own advice, to slow down, breathe, or else put laundry away so I have to get away from this computer. Except now I have internet on my phone too.

I'll try to distract anyway, and go to bed early because I don't feel well. Maybe I can journal about her divorce. It keeps coming up for me like a pink elephant in the room, and makes me sad and angry!!

[junkDNA]

you seem really codependent with ur T. i would take a step back.

When in doubt, sleep on it. Email tomorrow if you still feel strongly. By the next day, for me, I normally don't want to email anymore.

[rainbow8]

[QUOTE=junkDNA;3671913]you seem really codependent with ur T. i would take a step back.[/QUOTE/]
No one ever told me that before. Interesting. I'm not going
to email tonight; I'll try to journal instead, and see how I feel tomorrow. I have yoga then, if I feel okay. That should help.

[growlycat]

Rainbow, sometimes when I know that I have too many issues to bring up at my next session, I will sit down and list out each topic in order of emotional priority. Right before my session, I may re-rank that list but I will go with the most burning issues first.

To help me stop emailing T I created an email account for myself called "innertherapist" so when I get the urge to email her, most of the time I'm able to be happy writing it to her but sending it to myself. I've been using this one less and less too over the last few months. Progress! also, having those emails on that email account, gives me an idea of what i want to work on when we do talk.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

My T doesn't like me to read emails to her but I know she can't stop me. She always wants to know how I feel NOW, in the present, at the session. So it's a dilemma, because "now" is always changing! I haven't painted in a couple of months but something is stopping me. I don't feel well enough to do that; it seems like typing is all I feel like doing. That's in answer to distraction.

It's hard because it's a physical urge to email her. My substitute behavior is posting on PC. I need to follow my own advice, to slow down, breathe, or else put laundry away so I have to get away from this computer. Except now I have internet on my phone too.

I'll try to distract anyway, and go to bed early because I don't feel well. Maybe I can journal about her divorce. It keeps coming up for me like a pink elephant in the room, and makes me sad and angry!!

I know what you mean about a physical urge, but when I read that, I thought to myself.... we are all used to controlling physical urges. We don't always eat at the moment we feel hungry, and sometimes we may eat when we're not hungry to stay healthy or whatever. We don't have sex whenever the impulse strikes, we don't heed the call of nature in public but wait until we find a restroom, we don't scratch every itch, etc.

We follow rules for all our physical urges, basically... so you could look at it like that. A physical urge is just information and we get to decide what to do about it.

Same with your therapist's preference to talk about what's going on in the moment.... you can defer to her and let go of a topic you care enough about to have posted this, or you can hold onto this post and tell her about it if it's important. I appreciate very much her focus on the immediate, the here and now, but.... I don't believe any one approach is perfect 100% of the time.

IMHO, I think you should let her know you want to start emailing, and let her know you do not expect a response, unless you specifically ask — don't box yourself in by saying never respond. See what her thoughts are and act accordingly. Talk about it.

[Luce]

Rainbow, I think there is far more in the connection between the reinstigation of touch and the feelings you are now having than you are willing to allow yourself to believe.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Clementine K

When in doubt, sleep on it. Email tomorrow if you still feel strongly. By the next day, for me, I normally don't want to email anymore.

Thank you. You're right! I don't feel that same urge today.

Originally Posted by growlycat

Rainbow, sometimes when I know that I have too many issues to bring up at my next session, I will sit down and list out each topic in order of emotional priority. Right before my session, I may re-rank that list but I will go with the most burning issues first.

Thank you. I sometimes do that, but often, in the beginning of the session, my T asks me to close my eyes and go inside, and decide what feels like a good place to start. Sometimes I change my mind then; sometimes not.

Originally Posted by artemis-within

To help me stop emailing T I created an email account for myself called "innertherapist" so when I get the urge to email her, most of the time I'm able to be happy writing it to her but sending it to myself. I've been using this one less and less too over the last few months. Progress! also, having those emails on that email account, gives me an idea of what i want to work on when we do talk.

That's a good idea. I've sent emails to me and not her, a couple of times. Maybe this is for another thread, but why is NOT emailing a T considered progress? For you and me, or others, that may be the case, but I'm not so sure. Oh, probably because that usually means the T has to reply, or not reply. But I don't get replies, so if I want her to know how I feel, or what I did during the week, what's the big deal, as long as I don't write a novel?

Originally Posted by Leah123

I know what you mean about a physical urge, but when I read that, I thought to myself.... we are all used to controlling physical urges. We don't always eat at the moment we feel hungry, and sometimes we may eat when we're not hungry to stay healthy or whatever. We don't have sex whenever the impulse strikes, we don't heed the call of nature in public but wait until we find a restroom, we don't scratch every itch, etc.

We follow rules for all our physical urges, basically... so you could look at it like that. A physical urge is just information and we get to decide what to do about it.

Same with your therapist's preference to talk about what's going on in the moment.... you can defer to her and let go of a topic you care enough about to have posted this, or you can hold onto this post and tell her about it if it's important. I appreciate very much her focus on the immediate, the here and now, but.... I don't believe any one approach is perfect 100% of the time.

Thank you. What you posted about rules for our physical urges is very helpful for me! My T is flexible. I don't want you or anyone to get the wrong idea. If I want to talk about a problem and have want I call a "conversation" with my T for the whole session, it's perfectly fine with her.

Originally Posted by Goingtogetthere

IMHO, I think you should let her know you want to start emailing, and let her know you do not expect a response, unless you specifically ask — don't box yourself in by saying never respond. See what her thoughts are and act accordingly. Talk about it.

Thank you. Not responding to my emails is my T's boundary, not mine! I agree with it, though. I had a lot of trouble accepting her brief answers to my emails, and often felt worse than not having received an answer at all. We tried different options, and this works for both of us. If it was urgent and I needed a response and told her, I know she would respond. She makes exceptions, like when my daughter was in the hospital. But my questions and/or reactions to the sessions, and my progress or lack of progress during the 2 weeks isn't usually urgent.

Originally Posted by Luce

Rainbow, I think there is far more in the connection between the reinstigation of touch and the feelings you are now having than you are willing to allow yourself to believe.

I am thinking about this, and I know Chris posted something similar. I know that the session stirred up a lot of feelings, and they are confusing! What I am almost 100% sure of, is that holding her hand did not stir anything up. It's the way she behaved during the session. I need to do SE about the SE! I am willing to believe that my feelings have to do more with T sitting so close to me than the actual touching. Holding her hand never feels anything but therapeutic. I wish she could "throw out the rest" and just let me hold her hand while we talk!

She asked first before touching my arms. She learned in her workshop that it could be therapeutic. She also told me the touching is being used for a specific reason. Changes bother me. This is a change.

I know there's more, but I can't sort it out yet. It may be partly about reinforcing that she's the professional and I'm the client, and I don't like that! I'll have to see what feelings come up for me and make sense of them.

I was in charge when I wanted her to hold my hand; now SHE'S in charge!!!! That triggers me!!!

[Wren_]

maybe that's what you need to be talking about with her ...
you not being in charge and in control?
seems that could fit with her name change, her divorce, her changing what is happening in sessions etc, and her determining email boundaries

writing when they don't reply is painful

(((((((rain))))))))))

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

maybe that's what you need to be talking about with her ...
you not being in charge and in control?
seems that could fit with her name change, her divorce, her changing what is happening in sessions etc, and her determining email boundaries

writing when they don't reply is painful

(((((((rain))))))))))

It's nice to see you here again, tigergirl. Yes! I thought of that about not being in charge at the end of writing my last post. It seems like a lot of times in my life someone else is in control, not me. This is definitely something to bring up next week. It's about not liking change, too.

My T doesn't have too many boundaries. I'm glad she decided to make one about emailing. It's NOT painful because it was MORE painful when I would write my feelings or reactions and she would ignore them. In the beginning of therapy, she would answer my emails in detail, "between my lines", as I called it. But that became too much for her, and she started answering very briefly. She said she didn't want to be a T via email. I don't expect her to answer so it's not a problem.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

That's a good idea. I've sent emails to me and not her, a couple of times. Maybe this is for another thread, but why is NOT emailing a T considered progress? For you and me, or others, that may be the case, but I'm not so sure. Oh, probably because that usually means the T has to reply, or not reply. But I don't get replies, so if I want her to know how I feel, or what I did during the week, what's the big deal, as long as I don't write a novel?

My problem is I tend to write novels... lol.... I don't necessarily see it as progress to not email her, cuz she's never told me not to do it, I just, well, more than I care to admit feel bummed out when she doesn't respond... and if I were to ask for responses, then I'd feel like I had to pay her more and my h would have a fit if I paid her more than I already do.