How much do you need your Therapist?

I am really strict about what I allow myself to call a need. I kind of limit it to oxygen, food, water, shelter etc. Then I have this punitive, belittling inner voice that chides me for being all spoiled and entitled about therapy.

When thinking about my kids I always consider attachment, the sense of being understood and cared about, a sense that the adults in their lives are on their side etc to be needs, not luxuries. I absolutely want them to know that I'm there for them day and night and I think they do know it because they are never the least bit hesitant or ashamed to ask. They don't apologize for having needs and they fully expect me to help them out whenever they deem it necessary. It's not a luxury for your parent to listen to you, believe you, accept you as you are and go to bat for you. A new bike is a luxury.

But I'm still far from a place where I feel that it's okay to want to be understood and listened to. I'm mean to myself for wanting that because I'm quite ashamed of it.

This made me emotional.

Well, the actual ferals have been fed, so "kitty mom" can see to her own wants now! They seem oblivious to the fact that they had scrambled eggs @ 5 hrs ago...they have no shame at all! We really should emulate them!

I think the anxiety my T was referring to was unconscious anxiety that could manifest in any number of ways; for me, it was as a kind of anxious confusion--the endless "but-what-if-should I-should I not" in my head. But it could just as easily manifest as self-loathing, humiliation, shame, anger, whatever.

By rephrasing the proposal as "If I want" all I had to do was tune into my sense of urgency or feeling of wanting, without the decision making, which was much more clear to me. Of course, my tendency was to hold myself back from contact, not to inundate my T with contact. So the consequence would look different depending upon the client's motivation.

That's why, Asia, I was suggesting asking your T about a time-limited trial of just responding from your feeling of wanting contact because it seems like your tendency is to hold yourself back from contact. After the trial, you'd both reevaluate what would be best going forward. If there isn't a time limit to the trial, it could leave you still worried about her reaction as time passed: "sure it was ok yesterday, but what does that have to do with today? Today will be the day when she decides I'm too much!" And then you're back in the same quandary of decision-making. The unconscious anxiety and attachment/trust are all connected.

"Emotional Tylenol" is a good way to think about it: not surprisingly, I tended to treat painkillers the same way--"Do I really need this? Maybe I can wait..." Migraine meds never helped me because I couldn't make myself take them early enough in the process to work. Interestingly, I don't have that problem anymore because I can recognize and accept the need and so intervene and prevent the escalation, whether it's migraine, toothache, whatever.

As my T explained it, we aren't born knowing about wants vs needs. All we experience as infants is something doesn't feel good, caretaker appears, now we feel good. As we develop we start experiencing some of our not feeling good states not immediately remedied, ignored, or denied in due time (assuming good enough parents; without good enough parents, the not good feeling escalates into pain). As we grow cognitively, we experience less dependence, as we learn control over our not good feeling states: we don't need immediate rescuing; we can meet some of our own needs; we can manipulate our environments more competently. Observe the average 2 year old: pretty good at establishing boundaries!

But if this development is interrupted or corrupted by not good enough caretaking, our wants and needs grow exponentially more complex, matching our increased awareness, yet our control is thwarted. That can be so psychologically threatening and painful, suppression becomes the least difficult path. We don't experience the developing sense of mastery that allows wants and needs to become differentiated and valuable sources of knowledge of ourselves and our environments. So we have to re-engage that process experientially through the therapy relationship. Attachment tends to stimulate that process which can display itself in fluctuations of trust, perception of closeness and distance, boundary concerns, doubts about T sincerity and caring, power imbalance in the relationship, etc.

I need my therapist. If anything, I tried to do without for a long time and manage on my own but I became overwhelmed with problems. I finally admitted to myself I needed someone to help me. Wanting sounds close to needing but there are many things I "want" like a new coat but I don't "need" a new coat now because the one I have is not ripped or falling apart. I need to see my therapist because I feel like I can no longer handle it all on my own anymore. That was not an easy decision to make and even harder to pick up the phone and call.

The posts here are very interesting. Has me thinking, maybe I suppressed my needs as a child? I remember trying to care for my parents emotional needs. I was pretty good at it too. Some people would say I was very mature for my age. You think that could be affecting me now all these years later? I'm over 39.

This all resonates so much FKM. Still don't think i'm at the place where i could ask for that experiment. But i'll put it in my back-pocket and think about it.

Unless you're a robot that's over 39, I agree that taking care of other people emotionally will take it's toll on you. If something's wrong with your bones, you see a doctor who specializes in bones. But if something is wrong emotionally, your options are limited to seeing someone who specializes in emotions, or trusting the opinions of well meaning friends and family members who probably can't imagine what you're going through.

For my part, I haven't found a therapist I can count on to be that ally I really need. That person I can call on if I ever get to the point where winding up on the psychiatric unit of a hospital again isn't entirely my choice.

Not a lot anymore, I used to need my t1 more than she was prepared to give. I quickly learnt that I was a therapists job and they were only available for what you pay them for.
I won't allow myself to need them out of their hour a week anymore but I guess it would depend on where you are at. When I first saw t1 I was in a crisis state so relied on her more, she thought me how to cope when she is not there, after three years of therapy I can use my other supports now that don't include a therapist. I don't want to need a t and not will I ever allow myself to need them either!

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So, why do you go? What do you need them for?

I go because I learn about myself and how to develop myself and about how my past stops my future and what I can do to help myself live my life to it's full capacity.
I think this is what a lot of people go to therapy for and for some it's for the relationship and others it's to learn to trust and others to be heard for the first time.
Everyone's needs, wants and expectations are different from their therapist.

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