[AmysJourney]

So after yesterday's "straight talk" with my therapist she called me today asking me how I was. It's really amazing how she seems to always text or call in the right moment. It's so strange, whenever she texts me or sends me an email I feel a tiny weeny bit guilty thinking about some people on here whose therapists limit out of session contact. I really have become highly sensitized on that topic since I joined here. So I guess on some level I am lucky...
So she called me today and asked me how I was and we talked for a long time. They are always quite uncomfortable conversations these days because what my ears are hearing and what my head is processing are two different things, haha

My T is good at recognizing this discrepancy and she gently pushes me to hear what is actually said, not what I want to hear. Sometimes that makes her the bearer of bad news though and that is not easy for me. It kinda feels like it "taints" the conversation sometimes. But it's also good because if I get bad news then I am glad it comes from someone who really cares about me and my reaction to it.
(I wonder how that fits into her job description though)

Anyway, today I had a not so great day and I didn't want to hear anything difficult. She decided to cheer me up with the bad therapist and light bulb joke. (You know, the one that goes like "How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, as long as the light bulb wants change.") She said that she worries that I am getting stuck in this interim place between denial and reality and that we need a change in this situation or I might end up digging my own grave earlier by not accepting the help that is out there.

So well, I accepted the help now and will work on being ok with it. But how can one really be ok with giving a big chunk of control (and with that a lot of his own dignity) away to someone else, a stranger?
Yes, sometimes it sucks not having all my friends around physically and having to rely on people who don't know me well.

If you have any good advice or encouragement, I would love to hear it.

PS: To those who are reading and wonder what the story is.. Briefly, I am suffering from cancer which is terminal and my therapist is helping me with the emotional and practical things that come with my prognosis.

[granite1]

I am so glad she is sticking with you through all this . yup she is an awesome person but I am quite sure that you so deserve to have someone like this bye your side .to help you and even just be with you

I dont believe dignity is defined by what one can or cannot do for oneself... Maybe you need to challenge your thinking on that... Do physically challenged people have less dignity because they may need assistance?

I also do not see it as giving up control... To me it is taking control because you are asking for the help and you are choosing who to accept help from....

But i seriously get that it would be difficult...

[nottrustin]

I wish I had the answers for you! However, I say accept all of T's help. You are going trough a very journey and need any help possible. Also just because a person has family and loved ones by their side does not mean they have a good support system when it comes to facing death. When my mom was terminally ill most of her family stayed away..she had myself, my husband and my step father. Everybody was too busy in reality it was because they couldn't deal with it.

Your T is there because she wants to not because she has to. She sounds like an amazing source of love and support for you. You deserve to have her in your life. Accept her support without question.

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

I dont believe dignity is defined by what one can or cannot do for oneself... Maybe you need to challenge your thinking on that... Do physically challenged people have less dignity because they may need assistance?

I also do not see it as giving up control... To me it is taking control because you are asking for the help and you are choosing who to accept help from....

But i seriously get that it would be difficult...

Oh I understand this of course! But being the independent, stubborn, strong woman that I am this is really difficult. And staying in control was always something that was so important to me after I left home, because before that I had control over absolutely nothing and every decision was made by a sadistic father and mother. So all my life I fought to stay in control of my life and now, having to give it away to someone I don't know, have strangers help me with very intimate things - it really is the hardest thing to do - giving up control.
The illness has taken control over my body, and so I tried to at least stay in control over what I could. And it becomes less and less. So yes, it is incredibly difficult.

And I don't really choose who I get the help from, even that is taken out of my hands. I have to accept help from people I don't know. My therapist, yes I can accept her help but that is not the difficult part. (Haha, well sometimes it is! )