My therapist said I'm testing him . What does this mean?

My therapist said in testing him. What does this mean and why am I doing this? Does this mean he is likely angry at me for doing this?

It means different things for different people. But basically, it means you're testing whether what he says is really true, and how far you can stretch it. Maybe it's by pushing boundaries, or by doing things you think might make him abandon you, or even by insisting or claiming that what he says isn't true. It is normal and a part of the therapeutic relationship. I test my T by asking a million times over whether what she says is really true, will she abandon me? Can I really rely on her? What if I do something bad? Etc... And no, unless he has specifically said he is, he's probably not angry at you because it is normal and happens all the time. He probably expects it out of you, and it actually shows that you are beginning to trust him more.

Sometimes I test my T by saying and doing things only in order to see her reaction... I am however aware of it and usually afterwards I admit that I was just testing her... I think in general Ts know when they are tested and it it something pretty common at the beginning of the therapy - before you can really trust a stranger you have to test the person as you don't want to be hurt...

This is actually pretty normal in therapy, especially at the beginning or during the more vulnerable times. I'm not sure what you are personally in therapy for, but many people who have abandonment issues or extreme fears of rejection/judgement tend to use "tests" as a defense mechanism. It's a way of "putting your foot in the water" to get an idea of what to expect when you decide to jump in.

I know it's hard not to worry; but it is likely he is not mad at you at all. He could have simply been pointing it out to you...making an observation and bringing it to your attention. Sometimes we don't realize some of the behavior we are portraying and it is T's job to let us know. The more aware we are, the easier it gets to remain mindful of this behavior in our daily lives.

Your T is not angry at you for doing this. You have personal, perhaps unconscious/semi-unconscious conditions you want your T to meet so you feel better about his ability to help or understand you. Testing is an indirect way to see if another person is "safe". We think something like, "If they say/answer/do X then it means Y" and we ask the question or bring the conversation around so they can respond and we can tell if we can share what is really on our mind.

I think testing comes about because of a lack of self-esteem. One is worried that one cannot survive/stand it if the answer to some important question is "no". Instead of asking that important question ("Do you like me?" for example) we "test" the other person to see if we can tell if they like us or not in some other way. Sometimes the other person might say they like us or enjoy being and working with us, etc. but we won't believe them so we test them to see if we can catch them "lying", since we don't believe we are likable or that they are telling the truth.

Testing is indirect and prey to misunderstanding or misinterpretation by us. We make all the rules up in our head and the other person is not part of it. When we are working with another person, they always need to be part of the conversation, asked what they feel as what we think they feel or are thinking or mean, etc., is not coming from them but from our own heads and we cannot know unless we ask the person directly.

I'm in the early stage of the relationship and I been testing her too. She called me out last session , she said it was completely normal she wouldn't expect less lol. I don't test boundaries just other stuff. She is not angry just very supportive.

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I think it means you are being a usual therapy client.

No, he's not angry. They expect to be 'tested'
Its different for every client. For example, let's say your therapist has figured out that you have issues with authority figures because as a child you were emotionally battered by controlling authority figures. So say that after things just humming along in therapy, you suddenly start showing up late to your appointments. He might wonder if you are subconsciously 'testing' him to see if he will react with the same emotional battery that you were taught to expect. Early in the relationship, therapists expect a lot of testing. If they 'pass,' it goes a long way toward forging a strong therapeutic bond of trust, and they know that.

So it's not a negative thing. And most of the time, the client is doing it subconsciously. They know that too. .

My T doesn't call what I do testing she says I try to shock her. I don't try to shock, I test to see reactions to things because I don't want a bad reaction where police come.

Mine says I'm still "testing him" and it's been a year.......

Hi ,

I do have abandonment fears but I'm not in the beginning of therapy . I've been with this therapist for almost 2 years now....

It would seem to be a good idea, to assert yourself and ask for specific examples of what is meant. It's hard, for me, to give a perspective on one statement alone.

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I test my therapist all of the time. I stopped taking my meds to see what she would say. She said that she is angry/hurt that I will not restart them despite the possibility that this will lead me to be so depressed that I will be suicidal. I don't know why I continue to do things like this. When will I stop? Is there anything she can do?

Testing your T is definitely allowed.
And he is allowed to notice.

I think "testing" is a very common in therapy and you also make this "tests" outside therapy with people you meet and want to create some kind of bond with. It could be a new friend or a partner. The testing is then perhaps less intense compared to testing a T.

I test a T from the beginning and I try to find out how far they are willing to go to adapt to what I need in therapy. Unfortunately my former T who terminated me was one of those T:s who couldn´t cope with me testing her.

Everything was fine when I said nice things about her skills and her behaviour towards me in therapy but when I was disappointed about a few things, she terminated me.

But I still think testing is the right thing to do as long as you don´t violate boundaries, for example making a lot of calls to a T:s private phone or something like that. A T who can´t tolerate testing, is a T you shouldn´t see anymore.

I have had some e-mail contact with a new potential T and asked her questions like if she wanted to see me after I´d told her about the termination earlier on. But I asked this in a much less direct way just to see if she´d pick up my question and how eager she is to have me as her client.