[Asiablue]

Does anyone else feel completely different emotions about a single subject? I'm not sure i even make sense in therapy half the time. I feel like i'm being inauthentic or lying about a response but actually i'm completely fragmented into 1000 pieces and each piece feels a different thing.

Why does that happen? I did tell my T but i can't remember if she said anything about it.

An example can be something like, feeling angry about something but also feeling apathetic or numb about it and sad but also thinking it's right.

I just feel like i'm not a consistent personality, how i feel about something or react to something can be totally different depending on my mood, it's like all those pieces don't make a whole person but make many versions of me.

I don't even know if i'm explaining myself properly.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Internal conflict... It's really tough.
I struggle big time with this, too. It gets frustrating because sessions could be all over the place sometimes and I leave feeling drained, confused, and in a bad place.
Usually when it's happening really bad with me, my therapist notices and takes over the session. She starts talking and there have been times she has talked the entire session because I just couldn't get my thoughts straight. It really helped most times. There were even times she would hit it spot on and I'd be able to take over and process my thoughts properly.
I get it though! It's a constant inner struggle!

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Does anyone else feel completely different emotions about a single subject? I'm not sure i even make sense in therapy half the time. I feel like i'm being inauthentic or lying about a response but actually i'm completely fragmented into 1000 pieces and each piece feels a different thing.


Why does that happen? I did tell my T but i can't remember if she said anything about it.


An example can be something like, feeling angry about something but also feeling apathetic or numb about it and sad but also thinking it's right.


I just feel like i'm not a consistent personality, how i feel about something or react to something can be totally different depending on my mood, it's like all those pieces don't make a whole person but make many versions of me.


I don't even know if i'm explaining myself properly.

-Hope

[purplemystery]

Wow, I didn't know anyone else felt that way. Thanks for putting this feeling into words. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[A Red Panda]

That is 110% me. I get confused when answering things, about what I feel and think. Because I'll feel and think so many different thoughts and emotions about one thing. One might be true in one sense, but wrong in another. It's a big spider web in my head really.

[Blah_zey]

You are not alone in being a dichotomy of thoughts and opinions. I can easily argue voraciously both for and against a certain point of view or opinion on any matter. I see every argument from all sides with seeming clarity. I play the devils advocate to myself. You are certainly not alone you just need to determine which version is closer to your authentic self. Which one fits best with the overall design of what you value and believe. Not easy to do but its possible Keep striving!

It's an attempt to externalise our inability to contain feelings of ambiviance.

[Asiablue]

thanks for the replies, i'm glad i'm not the only one who feels this and that there's actually a name for it.

[A Red Panda]

I would like to rename it the Hamlet Dilemma.

Anyone up for that??

[unaluna]

Thanks for this thread. I have been struggling with this myself, in wanting to change my t schedule recently. I felt like i couldnt discern what i truly wanted or needed. I just knew that what i had wasnt working, and when t announced a random day off, i was soooooo relieved. So i went with that relief. Ambivalence. Hmm.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

I would like to rename it the Hamlet Dilemma.

Anyone up for that??

Now that you mention it, i struggle with it almost every night at some point:

"To pee, or not to pee?"

Eta: 1. Dr Who's Hamlet ie David Tennant is an amazing version.
2. This probably goes along with the wishy-washy threads, doesnt it?
3. I probably spend too much time being ambivalent about things instead of just doing them, including peeing, because im often telling t im surprised at how quickly some task was completed.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

I would like to rename it the Hamlet Dilemma.

Anyone up for that??

Love it!

[pachyderm]

I suspect fragmenting is originally a mental defense against an overwhelming stress, but it can become a drawback too, like so many defenses can become.

[Perna]

I think it is the first step to learning a new language. One can't understand and feel in control of one's emotions without the vocabulary. We have had all these feelings swirling around but not tried to understand and name them. Our first attempts are going to be messy I think eventually they sort themselves out and we start to be able to use them; we start to be able to say, "Oh, that one is the same as what happened over there and this one happened 20 years ago when mother made me cry when it wasn't my fault, so maybe what is happening now is not really my fault like I thought?. . ."

I'm not entirely sure, but I think it's what's referred to as unstable sense of self.

Why does that happen?

I read on your other thread that you experience dissociation. I do too, and know it very well. I think what you described comes from dissociating all the time as a child. Think about it-you're only conscious for part of your reality, like swiss cheese, so it hugely impacts your development. And think about all the missing memories some of us have (not sure if this is true for you too Asia). By the time you become an adult, you don't have a cohesive history to serve as a 'base' for your present/adult experiences like other people, non-dissociaters do.

I had this problem too, and still do to some extent. I can only look at in a positive way now-it's better than having no sense of self.

Integrating split off parts and disavowed emotions helps change this, imo. The cognitive changes have to happen too; your brain habitually dissociates. That part is more difficult. Even if you get to the point where your emotions are more fully experienced, memories retrieved and remembered, you still have the brain/temperment you were born with.

Do you have memory problems too by chance?

[Freewilled]

I think I can relate...it's like I have very little sense of self. It's hard to respond to questions when I'm all over the place in my mind and it's all swirling around making no sense. All this background noise is distracting and of course, I'm also trying to balance in how my T will hear my response and how to word it. I shut down. And then sometimes my words come out and it's like they just don't fit quite right. I don't think so, anyways. So it's frustrating. If I was asked a point blank question like what color is the sky, then yeah I would be able to answer that confidently. But ask me is there a time you can remember when you felt this way before? Um.....maybe, but I'm not sure. I don't want to speculate cause its like if I say it, it might not be right or true or something. And how I feel right now will most certainly change later. Plus, I feel a multitude of feelings all at once about the same thing. Contradictory feelings. It's very confusing and almost scary for me.

I dissociate too. I feel ashamed but then also like it's ok because it's self-protective. But mostly shame.

[boredporcupine]

In Internal Family Systems, it's considered normal that the personality is made up of many different parts that can have different feelings and agendas. It only becomes problematic when the parts don't get along at all or take extreme positions.

Originally Posted by boredporcupine

In Internal Family Systems, it's considered normal that the personality is made up of many different parts that can have different feelings and agendas. It only becomes problematic when the parts don't get along at all or take extreme positions.

That's interesting. I really never understood (and still don't) how that works.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Autumn Skies

I'm not entirely sure, but I think it's what's referred to as unstable sense of self.


I read on your other thread that you experience dissociation. I do too, and know it very well. I think what you described comes from dissociating all the time as a child. Think about it-you're only conscious for part of your reality, like swiss cheese, so it hugely impacts your development. And think about all the missing memories some of us have (not sure if this is true for you too Asia). By the time you become an adult, you don't have a cohesive history to serve as a 'base' for your present/adult experiences like other people, non-dissociaters do.

I had this problem too, and still do to some extent. I can only look at in a positive way now-it's better than having no sense of self.

Integrating split off parts and disavowed emotions helps change this, imo. The cognitive changes have to happen too; your brain habitually dissociates. That part is more difficult. Even if you get to the point where your emotions are more fully experienced, memories retrieved and remembered, you still have the brain/temperment you were born with.

Do you have memory problems too by chance?

My memory isn't great about certain things. It's got worse since therapy and i don't know if it's therapy that's bringing up the need to forget or just a coincidence. I can't remember having a bad memory in my teens or 20's. But then i was never aware of dissociation until therapy and recently my T asked if i did it growing up and i said i didn't think so, but then when i thought about it more there have been times when i dissociated, i just didn't know that's what i was doing. I had no name for it.

[boredporcupine]

That's interesting. I really never understood (and still don't) how that works.

Well, it's just like if you said to someone "part of me wants to have a second piece of cake, but part of me knows it's a bad idea." The urge to eat the cake may be coming from a part of your brain which is interested in seeking enjoyable experiences; the knowledge that you shouldn't may be coming from a part of you that is mostly concerned with taking care of your health.

Just like in a large company there are employees tasked with many different things (cleaning the building, answering the phones, sending out the paychecks, etc.), you can consider that there are "parts" of our brains (although it's not as though you could neatly cut them apart or anything!) tasked with many different functions all the way from keeping us breathing to managing our social relationships. Just like employees in a well-run company work together smoothly, in an ideal situation all the parts of our brains and personalities work together more or less seamlessly; sometimes we may be aware of conflicts between parts or different points of view on a situation, but we have enough "leadership" of ourselves to manage it. However, given the wrong developmental conditions, that doesn't necessarily happen. In that case, a person's parts can act more like a bunch of children fighting with no adult at home than like employees in a well-functioning company.

To be more specific about what Asiablue is describing though, it sounds as though she finds the multiple emotions confusing because she isn't sure which ones are "real." In some cases we can have multiple authentic feelings about a situation and it isn't a problem...like how people can feel both happy and sad at a wedding. But sometimes one of the feelings is really coming from a part of us that doesn't want us to feel our real feelings, and that's when the confusion comes in. For example, I could really feel hurt about something, but instead of feeling hurt I could bounce between feeling "numb" and feeling angry and thus end up questioning how I really feel about it. You could say I have parts that are trying to protect me from feeling hurt by making me feel numb and angry instead. Hopefully in the process of therapy we develop enough self-awareness and sense of security that we can feel our real feelings and not be confused by the alternative feelings that may be covering them up.

[nak0604]

I have been in college for about a year now and im just now thinking of switching majors and since i talked to my closest friend about it ive just been feeling really fragmented and confused about everything. Im not too sure what to do.

[Yearning0723]

I have this issue a lot, but mostly because my emotional brain feels very strongly one way and my rational brain feels the opposite, and it's a toss up which of those sides is going to dominate on any given day...and of course my rational and emotional brains don't actually communicate, so sometimes I feel like I'm not being authentic when I let one side dominate the conversation.

[rainbow8]

Bored porcupine, that was a very good explanation of parts and how IFS works.
Yearning, according to DBT, wise mind is a combination of emotional and rational minds, and it's usually the goal.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Bored porcupine, that was a very good explanation of parts and how IFS works.
Yearning, according to DBT, wise mind is a combination of emotional and rational minds, and it's usually the goal.

Yes, integrating them (or at least building a bridge so they can communicate) is the goal. It's quite a long way away though...

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

I have this issue a lot, but mostly because my emotional brain feels very strongly one way and my rational brain feels the opposite, and it's a toss up which of those sides is going to dominate on any given day...and of course my rational and emotional brains don't actually communicate, so sometimes I feel like I'm not being authentic when I let one side dominate the conversation.

For about the first year and a half in therapy, this was my problem. You explained it so well. I have gotten to the point that it's better now (finally!), but it was terrible for a while. It seems my emotional side wins a lot nowadays, which is bad because it is so overwhelmed so much of the time.

[peaches100]

I suffer from feeling fragmented often too. What I've wanted to know for a long time, and I haven't found any definite answers, even from professionals) is. . .

When would this type of dissociation constitute "Co-Conscious DID?"

My t pounds coping skills into my head. I fully understand the need for them, and when I am in my normal, nondissociative state, I have no trouble practicing them. However, when I get triggered and dissociate, my normal way of thinking is just not present. I revert into feeling like a scared helpless child who is in danger. Then I seem truly unable to use the coping skills I have been taught. Even after all these years with my t, I am not sure she understands that this inability isn't because I am resisting learning coping skills, or putting them into practice. The problem is that I don't feel like "myself" when I dissociate. . .and so I can't think like a normal logical adult woudl think. It doesn't matter how many times my t goes over and over the skills with me. It doesn't get absorbed into that part of me that is dissociative and holds my traumas. I don't know how to fix that, and it makes me wonder more and more if I might be one of the few people who have co-conscious DID. But because I don't officially "lose time" (I know when I dissociate and don't feel like myself - but can't seem to stop it), my t just assumes it's not DID.