[lenjan]

So I'm about to call and cancel my T appointment for today. I'm telling her I have to work. I have a job with weird hours, so that isn't out of the ordinary.

My actual after-work plans involve a haircut and some grocery shopping. I just can't deal with this today. I don't want to deal with her again ever, actually, but I haven't worked up to being able to say that and defend my decision. So I'm just postponing it for a week.

Saying what I want, rather than playing go-along-to-get-along, is one of the central problems of my entire life. I'd rather keep the peace than stir the pot (unless somebody provokes me, and then what gets directed at them is *their* fault ). How do you work up the guts to be able to say, "you know, this just isn't working for me, I need to find somebody else"? I mean, it's ridiculous -- this would have been my 3rd appointment, it's not like I have years invested -- which is probably part of the problem, actually; I'm not comfortable with her yet. I just feel like a loser for not being able to be a grownup about this.

Ideas?

Candy

[froggie2]

Don't beat yourself up because your afraid. I do the same thing. And I am trying to make the same decisions only in reverse. I know shes useless, doesn't hear me, but I just walked away and somehow I am trying to go back and face her and tell her why, not for anyone else but me. I need to conquer my fear. I am not sure I can do it. But I am going to try. I have been learning things lately and recognising that my fears are not because I am a bad person, or spineless, or lazy. Its childhood fears that still have a hold of me.I think you are super great to recognise you don't want to go back. Sure saves a waste of time. It sure is hard sometimes learning to walk before we can fly. But we Will fly Candybear. Hang in there.

[Perna]

I don't know; looks a little like running from here, if you've only seen her twice and admit you haven't gotten to know her yet? I think you might want to "grow a spine" to stay and keep trying for X period instead of cancelling this appointment?

Setting a goal (I'll try for 10 sessions) is not a bad road to go, I don't think. Maybe you could go see her and just discuss that, setting a goal of how many times to see her initially?

You don't ever have to "defend" your decisions; they're yours and 100%/always valid for you and your life. You just have to own them.

I'd try to screw up my courage to stay. In my experience/life, the more I cut and ran (never finish classes I started, had an "A" going into one final exam and then didn't show up for the exam) the harder it was later to turn that around.

I've been working hard since 1991 to "fix" my not finishing what I start that my life handed me with the help of my stepmother. Remember, you're always moving in "some" direction -- everything we do takes us further in one direction or another, there is no "I'll fix it next time" because it gets harder and harder because we've moved further and further down a certain road and the weight of our habits make them harder ones to change. I started gaining weight in 1976 and now I'm 125 pounds overweight, I've gradually ceased "exercise" and it started with having shorter distaces to walk to my car/work, etc. and now I'm having a heck of a time reversing those those small, one-at-a-time bad choices I made.

[lenjan]

I'm not sure it's running -- I think it's more recognizing that it isn't working and cutting my losses early. She's done some things just in those two weeks that raised a multitude of red flags for me. I was in therapy for most of a decade prior to moving twice in the last 9 months. I don't doubt that I need it again. I just don't think she's the therapist for me.

I went to school fulltime and worked fulltime to finish my bachelor's, finished grad school coursework and wrote and successfully defended a master's thesis in the midst of my dad's swift illness and death and a major depressive episode, and have just packed up my entire life to move to a new town and start a new job. I'm pretty good at finishing what I start.

[Perna]

Okay, sounds good. So use this opportunity to practice being clean/brave and go to the session with her and tell her to her face it isn't working for you and you don't wish to continue with her. Almost instant spine :-)

When I was in my 20's on my first big job, I had to cover for the receptionists occasionally when they went to lunch, we had a "schedule" we followed. Well, the big boss man decided it was my turn, why wasn't I up there when I had had yesterday's turn. He started yelling/being "forceful" about it but I stood there, quaking in my shoes and kept telling him my truth and eventually he calmed down enough to check and realize his mistake (and apologize to me profusely :-) From then on I have not been afraid of anger! I still quake a bit but am always able to stand my ground and state my truth. It was one of the biggest/life changing incidences of my life.

[withit]

Candy, I agree about cutting your losses early. IMHO it is not necessary to spend 10 sessions with a therapist to see if you're a good fit. After one or two sessions you can pretty much tell. I usually can tell after one session.

My very good T and I were discussing this problem of mine, way back..... I said if I say no to another person I'm hurting the other person, and I don't feel strong/courageous enough to say yes. She said to me that it's a choice I make: do what I want and have the other person be angry, or do what the other wants me to do and I be the one angry.
I really heard her and whenever I have a situation like this I focus on this thought: Do I do what pleases me and risk having the other person angry, or do I please the other person and risk having myself be angry. With this thought in mind I've been able to stand up for myself so many times...

[wisewoman]

Candy, one of my deepest regrets in life is having not listened to myself in certain situations and followed my heart. You can do it. Do what you feel is right in your heart.

[lenjan]

Against my better judgment, and largely because I got wrapped up in writing after lunch and didn't call in time, I went anyway today. She did come up with a treatment plan, which was today's test (I wasn't sure she was going to) .... but she wants to work on my communication skills.

Yeah. I have two degrees in communication and do it for a living. My interpersonal skills need some refining, perhaps, but I communicate just fine.

Funnily enough, I realized when I got home that I had left without scheduling another appointment. Perhaps that's my subconscious telling me what to do?

Candy

Hey. I'm sorry I haven't followed more of this. There is another thread in the vicinity about your first appointment, isn't there? I'll take a look. That might involve my re-writing this response at some point lol.

I have fairly instant 'gut reactions' about whether there is likely to be a good fit or not too. I guess I have fairly fixed ideas about what sort of therapist I prefer and I can assess those kinds of things in the first session typically. At least... I get a 'yes i think maybe' or a 'no'. My 'no' is not likely to turn into a yes. Some of the 'yes' can subsequently become 'no', however.

If you were on your 9th or 10th therapist and none of them seemed to be fitting you quite right then I'd be a bit concerned about whether you weren't giving them an adequate chance. This isn't your 9th or 10th therapist that you have interviewed though - is it? It can indeed take a few interviews. 9 or 10 different therapists isn't unheard of.

Do you know what sort of qualities you would like in a therapist?

I don't know about the face thing, necessarily... But I do think that it is important to show up for appointments that are scheduled if you can't give adequate notice. If you don't have another appointment well... Maybe it is time to interview someone else? You can always make an appointment with her later after interviewing some others if you change your mind.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.

Does she know that what you most want help with is standing up for yourself?

My advice...

Interview different therapists and then you get some idea of what is on offer. You pay them for a service, there is no reason why you shouldn't meet a few different people and work with the person who fits you best. Fit is (IMHO) about the most important thing there is (cranks aside).

You could tell her this... Or not... If you don't have another appoitment then oh well. Try out a few others. If you decide you want to work with her then she will probably be flattered and if you decide you don't want to work with her then oh well.

:-)

> she wants to work on my communication skills. Yeah. I have two degrees in communication and do it for a living. My interpersonal skills need some refining, perhaps, but I communicate just fine.

rofl. i have a couple of degrees in analytic philosophy and i don't tolerate it very well when therapists want to work on my cognitive distortions. lets just haul out a text book on bayesian norms of probabilistic reasoning or modal logic and see who can complete the most exercises. bah!

that being said... maybe 'communication' in the sense she means it is partly about... you standing up for yourself in the sense of being able to tell her what you need / desire?

like how... maybe 'rational thinking' in their sense is...

well...

if anybody figures that out, will ya let me know ;-)