[jacq10]

What if your T could guarantee that you are going through your suffering for a reason? Would it make a difference? Would you live your suffering differently?

As hard as it is to see sometimes, I believe that my suffering as made me the person I am today. My suffering has provided me with empathy and understanding for others, and has made me stop and ask the big questions of life.

My pdoc says that we don't always see the "big picture" - if we see the big picture - but there IS a big picture. Our actions affect others in ways that we can't possibly know. Most importantly, she believes that its our suffering that is the key to helping others, and that when we lean into the feelings of suffering they are less painful and we move through it more quickly.

What are your thoughts?

I used to think that. I used to believe that there was something good that would come out of my suffering, but then my therapist gave up on me and I became numb and dead and not caring. I don't believe it anymore. I believe suffering is just suffering and we all go through some kind of pain and hurt. I don't think there is any reason. It just happens. Pain is never ending. Even if one kind of pain ends, another is there to take its place. It goes on and on until we die.

[tinyrabbit]

My T says his hope for me is that I can look back and not regret the life I've lived.

Not convinced it's possible though.

I know that idea that suffering makes us better people works for some people, and I don't begrudge them that. It may very well be true for them.

For me, I really am very much the same person I would have been. I was reared by good family, with strong values and a strong faith. I've always been very open minded and pretty understanding and compassionate. I don't believe my suffering taught me that. I believe that came from the modeling of my parents and the strong, kind people I mostly grew up around.

If anything, my suffering tried to close me off from others, tried to snatch my faith from me, separated emotionally for many years from the good around me while I went through illness and treatment and a great degree of self-focus rather than outward focus.

I'm mostly beyond those hardest times now and have finally started reclaiming the me that was always there but buried under the pain.

[HazelGirl]

I already believe that suffering can be used for a purpose. Does it make a difference? Immensely.

[Asiablue]

I think people who have had suffering in their lives learn a lot about themselves, I think they can grown more and learn empathy and more about understanding and communicating with all sorts of people. Or at least that's my experience. I think every human suffers somewhat and some point.

While I wouldn't ever be glad I've suffered, I am able to take positives from the things I've learned along the way. I won't be volunteering for an extra side of suffering in my next life tho!!

[purplemystery]

For me, I agree that my suffering has helped me to become a better person. For instance, my relationship with my T was very painful, especially since it's over now. But I am so glad that it happened, and I believe it was worth it. I learned things that nothing else could have taught me, and I know that eventually I will be the one helping others.

[RTerroni]

I suffered a lot when I was younger but I do think that it gave me the motivation to try as hard as I could later on in life.

[looking4polaris]

Originally Posted by jacq10

What if your T could guarantee that you are going through your suffering for a reason? Would it make a difference? Would you live your suffering differently?

No. That kind of a guarantee would feel constricting to me and I'm looking to my T for help with becoming more free, more open to new possibilities & more comfortable with uncertainty. I want my choices to be less burdened by my suffering. To be free to "ask the big questions of life."

For me, the picture is always changing as I move through life. I want my understanding to continue to grow and change and that requires facing uncertainty.

Great thread! Thanks for posting these questions.

I think it's fantasy that suffering makes us better. What about paedophiles? Their argument is they suffered.

I think that the point is that people suffer, because life is, basically, painful; some suffer more than others, and one person's suffering can never be compared with other people's suffering. Nor does it have any inherent value. If my T started talking about "things happening for a reason" I would respectfully ask him to have his head examined.

But if I suffer, I can try to turn it into something meaningful - try to get more empathy for others, rather than try to make others suffer as well, for instance. That doesn't happen automatically and again it doesn't mean that my suffering has a reason. I look at it more in terms of having to use the cards I've been dealt, rather than trying to exchange my hand, or resenting others for getting all the kings and aces. It's not easy. And I certainly don't think that suffering is a prerequisite for being able to empathise with others.

[jacq10]

Originally Posted by looking4polaris

I want my choices to be less burdened by my suffering. To be free to "ask the big questions of life."

For me, I find that framing my suffering as serving a "purpose" allows me to ask those big questions of life

[jacq10]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts - on either side of the discussion

Originally Posted by jacq10

For me, I find that framing my suffering as serving a "purpose" allows me to ask those big questions of life

How? .

[jacq10]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

How? .

Because we never really know how our experiences affect others. Maybe my suffering will allow me to connect or share an experience with another person that will change the way they see things.

This video does a better job of explaining what I mean..

Okay. .

[jacq10]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Okay. .

You don't have to agree with me, my initial post was just a thought experiment

I wasn't agreeing or disagreeing. Just intersted in how you were using your experience.

[Sabra]

Originally Posted by jacq10

What if your T could guarantee that you are going through your suffering for a reason? Would it make a difference? Would you live your suffering differently?

As hard as it is to see sometimes, I believe that my suffering as made me the person I am today. My suffering has provided me with empathy and understanding for others, and has made me stop and ask the big questions of life.

My pdoc says that we don't always see the "big picture" - if we see the big picture - but there IS a big picture. Our actions affect others in ways that we can't possibly know. Most importantly, she believes that its our suffering that is the key to helping others, and that when we lean into the feelings of suffering they are less painful and we move through it more quickly.

What are your thoughts?

Good morning Jacq,

I believe suffering can be positive. As I have gotten older, I realize my childhood and the years beyond gave me gifts I couldn't have received under any other circumstances. The first was the gift of resiliency. After reading Gina O'Connell Higgins as a adult, I realized I was resilient from a young age, 5-6. In her experience, children who could take a small kindness from an adult and hang onto them until the next positive encounter were able to maintain a sense of hope. If I had followed my path, I would have self destructed. Fortunately, throughout the years I have had several wonderful therapists and some Christian mystics who walked with me as I fought my way to the light. The journey continues and I maintain relationships with positive, loving people.

I have questioned myself for many years.....what makes the difference? How can 2 people in the same negative environment come out so differently? Victor Frankl devoted much of his life pondering and answering the question. I find his work fascinating and beneficial. I ask another question, why me? That one cuts both ways......why were periods of my life so horrible or I asked why did I make it through with a sense of humanity? I still have questions, but I also have a great deal of gratitude.

I do agree, it is the big picture. When going through the muck and mire whether living it or trudging through it in therapy, it is painful. In the grand scheme, it can make sense.

Regards,

Sabra

[Leah123]

I don't believe I suffered for a reason, but I know that making meaning from my suffering is a way of using it, growing from it, turning it to my advantage. Because of my suffering, I can lead calmly in a crisis, empathize more deeply, excel at dispassionate decision making which has helped me a great deal professionally, and have a deep-seated understanding of what's important in life and an instinct to steer clear of and cut through drama, probably among other strengths.