[Leah123]

I have been thinking about my therapist's reaction to a jab I made the other day. I asked to meet her in person sometime in the future (we do online therapy) and then, fearing rejection, withdrew the request. She said we couldn't meet as I'd wished because it would be like creating a dual-relationship, and I told her I thought that us working in tandem on the same website previously and talking shop a lot and our interactions then (there were some significant ones) were a lot closer to a dual-relationship than having one lunch because she had no office space would be. (I wanted to meet her and I suggested lunch and a walk in a garden because I wanted to spend some time with her but knew she did not have an office.)

She said she was appalled I would suggest she'd been unprofessional, though later on the phone when I clarified, she said us interacting around the website we both worked at was the closest she'd ever come to that grey area, so... I guess that was a partial acknowledgement of my point. I for my part told her I wasn't calling her unprofessional, but giving her a hard time because I'd felt upset at the thought of never ever getting to meet her in person.

We mostly worked it out, actually: I told her my feelings and why I wanted to meet her. She then understood it wasn't about being friends, but about cementing our therapeutic relationship, getting to see her in-person, look her in the eye, get a real hug, something solid to hold on to through our therapeutic work. I would be equally happy with an office meeting, and offered to help arrange office space for a session, etc but she wasn't comfortable with the idea of having me rent office space or, I guess, meeting in an unfamiliar office space. (Someone else suggested having her rent a therapy office for an hour from a provider she knows: I love that idea, would be happy to pay a higher fee to cover the cost, but I think she doesn't want to do a session because of a contract agreement w/the website she uses for therapy.) It would be a one-time meeting because of the distance between us.

After discussion and clarification, she said she could definitely understand me wanting to meet her and yes, she would definitely be willing to meet with me... but briefly. It will be something for us to discuss further. She also mentioned, independently, wondering if sending me a video of her would help, because right now I'm missing the fact that I don't get to see her at all during sessions as we meet online. I would love to have something like that, and hope it works out.

Long story short: I realize she's not perfect.
She gets defensive when she feels her professionalism is being questioned. She doesn't have unlimited energy, though she has a lot. She isn't good at managing session limits, she's more the... mothering, always there for me type, which is really good to a point. Luckily, we're both working on discipline, ha.

She's really really wonderful as a therapist, AND she's not perfect.

I just needed to get that in print. To remember that it's not the end of the world for us to have a snag, or for her to not be 100% well rounded and enlightened. She's a deeply experienced therapist who really cares about me. She tries her best, she knows a lot, she listens well, she is committed, she's caring and connected, she's willing to stretch to reach me, and to compromise on fees to see me as needed.

I guess my lesson is that... even with imperfect interactions, relationships can still be good enough. I've had a few where ruptures led to explosions and losing the relationships, so I'm sure this is good experience for me.

It's interesting doing therapy online: my therapist has never had to answer the question before of whether and how to meet a client now that she doesn't have an office and while considering the ethical restrictions of her profession and the restrictions of the terms of service on the therapy site we use.

Anyhow, just had to get this all off my chest.

[IndestructibleGirl]

I think it is probably like any other relationship - we can never be perfect across the board, but we can be perfect matches for each other, in terms of our friends and partners and therapists.

The negotiations around meeting in person are really interesting. When are you thinking you might be able to do this?? I can't wait for you to meet her if you decide to do it!!! It will almost be like an adult child meeting their long lost parent for the first time.

[RTerroni]

No Therapist is perfect, they all have their flaws, which makes them human IMO.

[Leah123]

AWE thanks, yeah, it's nice to know you could imagine how exciting that would be for me IndestructibleGirl.

It's SO wierd, and that's thanks to living in the internet age, to have this amazingly significant therapeutic relationship and not have SEEN her in person.

So... I felt like, on one hand, what I was asking should make perfect sense, I mean, almost everyone gets to see their therapist regularly, but on the other, like I was asking so much it was like a fantasy... because of the current setup and the site restrictions and the distance, and I thought the cost would be prohibitive, but then I found out it totally wouldn't be.

In fact, it's ironic: you said seeing your current T was $450 for two hours: I found out flying round trip to see my T and staying two nights would only be like $550.

So.... well, as far as when, I thought it would be a perfect graduation gift to myself to go see her when I (hopefully!) earn my bachelor's degree, and I am on schedule to earn it at the end of next April I think.... so... I'd like to see her sooner, but.. it would be nice to know I had it to look forward to. Part of that is because she inspired me to return to college when I did... and I'd just... feel a lot of pride and happiness being able to go to her as a college graduate looking forward to the future and just... enjoying her presence and thanking her for all the help, and also though, I would just like the thought of that meeting at least to hold onto now because we're talking about losses in therapy... and I really wish I could feel closer to her at times, get a hug in person instead of a virtual one.

So... yeah, it would be like you said, like meeting this amazing mentor, mother-figure for the first time after being so inspired and nurtured from afar.... surreal and amazing to think about it.

I still remember the hugs from my first mentor/mother-figure like that, a high school counselor, and would like to have a similar sense of my current Ts presence to hold on to, you know?

[HazelGirl]

Nope. There are times mine let's me down in ways, and even though she is a very good therapist, she makes mistakes and has weak points. And that's okay.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Nope. There are times mine let's me down in ways, and even though she is a very good therapist, she makes mistakes and has weak points. And that's okay.

I find myself getting all riled up because of our miscommunications and things (part of that's the PTSD, they're trigger-specific, the worst ones) but yeah, I'm trying to just take a deep breath and remember people can still have imperfections and relate. Yes, I know that's totally obvious to the whole world, lol, but in a maternal relationship esepcially, and given all the sensitive topics we discuss, any hint of a power struggle or conflict and I feel awfully defensive and unheard and out of luck, sometimes just after the fact. In the moment, we may smooth it over, then I get stuck on it later, which may be just a pattern repeating. Like those spikes in the road: you drive over them and they slide into the ground, but try to go back and they'll pop your tires, haha.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I find myself getting all riled up because of our miscommunications and things (part of that's the PTSD, they're trigger-specific, the worst ones) but yeah, I'm trying to just take a deep breath and remember people can still have imperfections and relate. Yes, I know that's totally obvious to the whole world, lol, but in a maternal relationship esepcially, and given all the sensitive topics we discuss, any hint of a power struggle or conflict and I feel awfully defensive and unheard and out of luck, sometimes just after the fact. In the moment, we may smooth it over, then I get stuck on it later, which may be just a pattern repeating. Like those spikes in the road: you drive over them and they slide into the ground, but try to go back and they'll pop your tires, haha.

Yep. I know exactly what you mean. PTSD does crazy things to my mind and thought patterns.

If they were... it would be an hard act to follow.

[becca_hh]

Just FYI, most public libraries have "study rooms" which are quiet and soundproof and can be reserved for an hour for no charge. They almost always have windows in the doors (which is why they aren't called "teenage make-out rooms" ;-) but are a bit more therapeutic-seeming than a public meeting place. I do know therapists who work in the public sector who meet private clients at libraries.