[CantExplain]

Dear Madame T,

Looking back, I realise that there was one occasion when I did issue an ultimatum, where I was trying to control you and in which I have violated your cancellation policy.

I once demanded, “Either reply to my email or cancel my next appointment.”

You expressed some disapproval at the time, but I see now that I wounded you deeply and did lasting damage to our relationship.

I profoundly regret this and apologise unreservedly. I can only hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me.

Sorry.

Love,
CE

[HazelGirl]

If something like that did lasting damage to your relationship, your T has a major problem. That's not a big deal.

[unaluna]

But this is along the lines of knowing our parents / ts can survive our being angry at them. It is a scary lesson for us to learn, esp when they ie parents do try to control us by scaring the shyte out of us. I mean, i was so scared, i couldnt ask for an appointment time change for 3 years. That is baaaaaad. I couldnt impose. Now i impose on t all the freakin time, sometimes just for the fun of it. Okay not really, but it is more that attitude than my previous not even being able to ask for a glass of water. But neither is it controlling or demanding - it is just figuring out / negotiating what another person who WANTS to give something to me, HAS available to give me. Neither of us should be making sacrifices to be together?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

If something like that did lasting damage to your relationship, your T has a major problem. That's not a big deal.

I agree.

But I've got to the point of accepting that Ts are human, that they can make mistakes, hold grudges, etc and that in spite of this they still have value.

So maybe I'm pretty mature after all?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

Neither of us should be making sacrifices to be together?

Ideally, yes. But my observation is that every choice involves forgoing other options, so we make sacrifices all the time.

[Restin]

Hankster, I so much admire the way you can speak up to your T and ask for things. I feel like such a wimp. I'm an adult, am somewhat street-smart, and successful in life, but at the t's I'm such a fraidycat it's just pitiful! I think it's because I experienced so much punishment, bullying, and threat from my early caregivers that some little child in me is still stuck back there. Any little thing my T refuses me could mean a death sentence, it seems.
I wish I could get over this. Do you have any suggestions? I feel so embarrassed at the way I am and wish I could be way more assertive with T. I am bold with everybody else, but not her.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Restin

Hankster, I so much admire the way you can speak up to your T and ask for things. I feel like such a wimp. I'm an adult, am somewhat street-smart, and successful in life, but at the t's I'm such a fraidycat it's just pitiful! I think it's because I experienced so much punishment, bullying, and threat from my early caregivers that some little child in me is still stuck back there. Any little thing my T refuses me could mean a death sentence, it seems.
I wish I could get over this. Do you have any suggestions? I feel so embarrassed at the way I am and wish I could be way more assertive with T. I am bold with everybody else, but not her.

Hey, i was afraid to look at his bookshelves. Like i needed permission. Can you identify something like that, that you are afraid to do in her room? I wouldnt advise just jumping into assertiveness without talking about what youre sillily? afraid of. Im bold too, i dont think anybody would believe i couldnt ask for a glass of water! Its like, how can we be so bold and so shy at the same time? Something isnt right.

[CantExplain]

I've put it in the post.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I agree.

But I've got to the point of accepting that Ts are human, that they can make mistakes, hold grudges, etc and that in spite of this they still have value.

So maybe I'm pretty mature after all?

Certainly, acceptance. But this is not a healthy person anyone should be working with. She should be able to handle that extremely easily since it is a fairly straightforward ultimatum.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Certainly, acceptance. But this is not a healthy person anyone should be working with. She should be able to handle that extremely easily since it is a fairly straightforward ultimatum.

Yes, this is an area where she's a lousy T. But I'm not going to write her off over one mistake.
If an apology can make things right between us, it's a small price to pay.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Yes, this is an area where she's a lousy T. But I'm not going to write her off over one mistake.
If an apology can make things right between us, it's a small price to pay.

Ugh! This is killing me, CE! Simply because she is SOOO bad for you! I understand the transference, painfully so. But you have to let go! It's probably the only way you will be able to resolve it, with someone else. I am sorry, but you are ONLY hurting yourself by doing this. She was a bad T for more than one reason, and this is a MAJOR problem, not a small one that can be overlooked. She is recreating your past and harming you more, not healing you from it.

BTW - This response is the biggest reason I can't ever be a T. I would say things like this to my clients all the time, and a lot of them don't want to hear things like this.

[blur]

CE, did she say that she was "wounded deeply"? i would guess that is more likely projection on your part.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Ugh! This is killing me, CE! Simply because she is SOOO bad for you! I understand the transference, painfully so. But you have to let go! It's probably the only way you will be able to resolve it, with someone else. I am sorry, but you are ONLY hurting yourself by doing this. She was a bad T for more than one reason, and this is a MAJOR problem, not a small one that can be overlooked. She is recreating your past and harming you more, not healing you from it.

BTW - This response is the biggest reason I can't ever be a T. I would say things like this to my clients all the time, and a lot of them don't want to hear things like this.

I am touched by your concern.

I'm certainly not going to "go back" to her. I just want to see her occasionally.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I am touched by your concern.

I'm certainly not going to "go back" to her. I just want to see her occasionally.

That's a little bit better sounding than going back to her as a T. I know I probably sound harsh, but I do genuinely care and don't want to see you hurt any more than you already have been.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I'm certainly not going to "go back" to her. I just want to see her occasionally.

For what purpose? What is it you hope to gain?

[rainbow8]

Did she answer your letter yet? Did you email or send it through regular mail? You did send it, didn't you?