Why do I do this?

Every once in awhile I get a moment where I feel "ok", not happy or even good but just ok. It can last for minutes or sometimes hours but never usually longer. When I feel that way I find myself thinking like there must not be anything really "wrong" with me. Then of course when that ok feeling goes away I usually crash back down, hard. It's just I don't know why when I feel ok like that I think I must be fine, like I must not really have depression. It sounds stupid but it's something I don't understand that I do, especially when I spend most of my days down so low. I don't know what it is. Is it denial or something else? Maybe it's just me. I'm usually very cautious when I feel this way though because I know it doesn't last so I don't really enjoy feeling ok. If that makes any sense. Does anyone else know what I mean? Just wondering.

I am exactly like that. I often tell my T that I have moments that everything makes sense, and I feel really strong and confident; I see clearly. But these are just moments. I soon put on my magnifying glass and everything is back to distorted and chaotic.

Maybe it is a sign that you are healing?

It's very normal to have those moments. And it makes the crashes much harder to deal with when they happen. Depression is definitely a roller coaster ride.

That sounds like hope.

My friend and I were talking about anxiety and when you're anxiety rolls along at a 7 for months on end, a 10 doesn't feel that "out of the ordinary".

It's only when you start to take it down to 5s and 3s that those spikes to 10 get so hard to deal with. It's what the fluctuation does to you more than the intensity.

It sounds like maybe you're fluctuating and that is so hard to take.

It does not feel like hope or healing. It's more like doubt or maybe denial that I have depression? Its hard to believe sometimes. It's like it's not really me but someone else. That doesn't make sense, I'm confused. It's definitely a roller coaster though but the up hills are small and the down ones are big.

Yes, but (T hates when we say that... hehe), if you're doubting your depression, that is HOPE that you will be ok, hope you could possibly come out of it. Right?

But then we put the self-defeating mask on. The one that doesn't want to be disappointed, and tell ourselves we're stupid for even thinking such a thing.

There's nothing stupid about wanting to be ok.

Well will see if the hospital helps because that's my only hope right now. But I don't actually doubt I have depression, except sometimes in those brief moments when I feel ok. Was just not sure why I do that but I guess it doesn't really matter? Stupid depression confuses me. It holds me down hard and once in awhile it lets me lift my head up and I fall for it thinking things are ok.

I do the same thing. This is just my take, but there's no way to avoid changing emotions. Even in the darkest depression your mood will lift a bit even if for a second or two, and likewise even the person with the happiest easiest life is sometimes depressed. Change is the only thing you can count on.

Just keep trying to pull yourself into the present moment. Take a walk and try to see how many things you can observe just to pull your mind out of the loop. I've been in a deep dark depression before, it is a thought pattern that feels unstoppable, but it can stop. Of course I used medication and therapy also, and I am still sad quite a lot, but I can see some things about it now and I feel much better now. Remember, this too shall pass.

Climbing out of depression is a roller coaster ride.

When you're stuck at the bottom it's a flat grey calm.

In my personal experience.

True. It's been a few years for me because of antidepressants. But if I remember correctly (which is tough from the depression), it's this darkness that envelops you. Once you start climbing out is when you have 4 days of depression, then a day of being okay, then another 3 days of depression, the.n 2 days of okay, then 5 days of depression, etc...

Maybe it could just be that when I hear others say to me "but you seem ok" it's me doing the same thing to myself? When that is said to me it makes me think like they don't really believe me and it puts me down even further. Everything bothers me these days and hearing that kills me. Why can't people just shut up sometimes? Makes me want to disappear so no one has to worry about me anymore.

I am sorry. I understand this so much.