[GeorgiaGirl413]

I am not even sure where to start with this. I will try to make a long story short. I was very much "in love" with my previous T. She handled it all just right and 2 years ago we ended our time together when she retired. I tired to get her to agree to go for coffee or something, but her response was always "I will in two years". I got her to promise not to change her phone number and then she gave me permission to contact a mutual friend to get her number should she not be able to keep that promise. I thought that I did well staying within the boundaries of the relationship and did not see or speak to her until a chance meeting about 6 weeks ago. I did send her a copy of the article when I received a national award at work (she left a message on my voice mail thanking me for sending her the article and telling me she was proud of me) and a Christmas card last year, but it was the same one that I sent to everyone else and had the usual greeting. Nothing overly personal. As I said I saw her about 6 weeks ago at a function that she attended at my church. I was at the door handing out programs. She came up to me, smiled, said it was wonderful to see me, and even asked if she could have a hug. Of course, I obliged. All those feelings that I thought that I had dealt with have come pouring back. I have talked with my current T and pdoc about this. Both think that all these feelings coming back are normal. I did mention to my T that 2 years had nearly passed and that I would be able to call Lee. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "GG, you know that you and Lee can never be friends." That wounded me, but I think that I know it is true, though I would so like to prove my current T wrong. I just know that my feelings for Lee are so strong still and that's a little scary. I feel like I have unfinished business with her. Things that I still need to tell her. I am trying so hard to be mature and sensible about this but I feel like a child. So, to call or not to call, or maybe text or something? ugh!! Thanks for "listening" y'all.

[HazelGirl]

I totally understand. I don't think that 2 years or 5 years or 10 years will ever make the feelings go totally away. I have a similar problem with a mentor of mine. It's been 2 and a half years, and I still get the same feelings the few times a year our paths happen to cross. It doesn't ever totally leave, although those feelings have diminished.

[jacq10]

(((((((Georgia)))))))

As much as what your current T said hurt, she is right I understand the hurt and pain and overwhelming emotions that you describe, and I totally get why you would want to go to coffee or call her. The thing is, just because some overarching psychology board deems 2 years enough time to have passed before a therapist can see their clients in their personal lives, does not mean that feelings will magically be gone by then. What your old T probably didn't tell you is that in addition to the two year time frame, they also have to be sure that the reason or issues that you discussed in therapy have been "dealt with." I don't know the nature of your work with your old T, but it sounds to me like you would still have difficulty seeing her as your feelings for her are still very much present.

Aside from all the regulations re: time etc, I think you need to ask yourself if you want to open yourself back up to those feelings? More often then not these sort of wounds, if re-opened, are often worse the second time around

I truly can empathize with your situation, believe me. Sending lots of hugs and support your way.


Jacq

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Thanks jacq. Some things to think about. You are right, all the issues weren't resolved when therapy stopped and they still aren't. Maybe if they had been the urge to see her wouldn't be so strong.

[RTerroni]

If you want to get back in touch with her I think that you definitely should now that 2 years are up. I have told myself that once 2 years pass after I stopped seeing a previous Therapist of mine (who I saw for 4 years) that I may try to contact her to maybe get back in touch with her, it was been almost a year and a half since we last met in Therapy so not too much longer before the 2 year threshold passes.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Originally Posted by RTerroni

If you want to get back in touch with her I think that you definitely should now that 2 years are up. I have told myself that once 2 years pass after I stopped seeing a previous Therapist of mine (who I saw for 4 years) that I may try to contact her to maybe get back in touch with her, it was been almost a year and a half since we last met in Therapy so not too much longer before the 2 year threshold passes.

Thanks t. And sorry about losing your T. Hugs to you.

[Favorite Jeans]

I think having coffee together infrequently if she's up for it and being friends are not totally the same thing. She'll never be your bestie but there might be room (like once or twice a year) to go for a walk or have lunch and catch up. I've never really had this with an ex-therapist but have had it with mentors with whom I've had highly intense transferential relationships. The occasional coffee together humanized them a little, made me see them in a more realistic light and helped me see that I'd grown a lot. Without having to discuss our unfinished business, the business was put to rest because I could accept that they were just people like me and see that I no longer needed them in the same way.

Of course everyone is different but I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea to suggest it. It might actually be helpful to you.

[RTerroni]

I just don't get why your current Therapist is not being supportive of you getting back in touch with an old Therapist of yours (after the 2 year waiting period has ended), I am thinking about asking my current Therapist about getting back in touch with a former Therapist of mine once the 2 year waiting period is up and hopefully she will be a little more supportive than yours was.

[growlycat]

I don't see anything wrong with being friends with former T after the 2 year wait. Hell, I've only heard a time barrier for romantic relationships, never in the context for friendships. So you are both being careful. T sounds interested in being casual friends, so the feeling is mutual--I don't see an issue?

Maybe your T meant that you and former T will always have the same power dynamic? If so, I say so what? Former students and professors become friends, and the power differential often remains.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

Thanks jacq. Some things to think about. You are right, all the issues weren't resolved when therapy stopped and they still aren't. Maybe if they had been the urge to see her wouldn't be so strong.

I think this^ is exactly the issue. It's unfortunate that you couldn't resolve your transference before she retired because I think you're right that these unresolved issues are driving the intensity of your feelings. I think continuing to see her with these feelings is likely to increase them, and then what do you do? It may be possible to work them through with your current T, and it's probably worth trying. Or perhaps you can settle with exchanging e-mails a couple of times a year?

[Petra5ed]

Call, why not? That was the deal after all! If my T told me that I could call, it would be too hard not to. Here's the thing to keep in mind though... it is true your therapist can never be your friend, they will be a different person if they are your friend, a non-therapist person you haven't met yet. Therapy is a one way street, but friendship is give and take. In therapy you can email harass your T as I do, unload all your problems, ask for advice several times an hour, but most healthy friendships don't roll like that. In a friendship the entire roll of each of you will have to be different. If you go to coffee or something consider that. Maybe you could develop a relationship where you two meet up once or twice a year, but I would be very careful not to fall back into the old pattern of the relationship where she is the one comforting you.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Thanks guys. All good advice that I will ponder.

[Bill3]

I did mention to my T that 2 years had nearly passed and that I would be able to call Lee. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "GG, you know that you and Lee can never be friends." That wounded me, but I think that I know it is true, though I would so like to prove my current T wrong. I just know that my feelings for Lee are so strong still and that's a little scary. I feel like I have unfinished business with her. Things that I still need to tell her. I am trying so hard to be mature and sensible about this but I feel like a child.

I expect that although T may conceivably be in touch with you after two years, she continues to have an ethical responsibility to refuse contact that may be harmful to you. Thus, it is quite possible that she could any any time decide that she is ethically required to limit contact with you now, and even indefinitely.

Also, although it is also quite possible that current T may be wrong, the motivation to actually prove your T wrong strikes me as a less-than-ideal part of the situation.

I agree with feralkittymom that working through the strong feelings quoted above would be well worth considering. However, I believe that you would need your T to be open to this possibility, rather than taking the viewpoint that friendship can "never" happen.