Because I am weak and stupid and a waste of skin

You're filling pages here with assumptions, like she doesn't love you and never meant it and it was just an experiment that failed. That's projecting, and it's reminiscent of past posts where you anticipated this happening, as you say similar things have happened in your past relationships. There are a lot more similar examples in this and previous posts. You're not giving her credit for sincerity. You're not giving her credit for many many hours of pro bono therapy. In the heat of your emotions, you're invalidating things of great value.

The title of your thread, as Hankster mentioned, is also indicative of a lot of drama, self-disgust, etc. and so I hope you can see it's very clear from this side, how much your emotions are clouding your reason.

I'm not talking about "fault" nor about right or wrong. I am talking about her imperfectly trying to help you and I see how her lack of consistency is very very difficult to bear. I think it's doubly hard to bear though, because it's an issue for you, a longterm issue, and you aren't telling her what you need to tell her (as far as I know from these posts) about the "I love you" about what you two could do going forward, about just.... finding the emotional space to exist in the moment and not catastrophize as much as you have been for the last while.

I do understand: we only have as much emotional space as we have. We have limits, and I believe you have PTSD from your profile, which I also have, and I know my emotional limit is already partway filled by the disorder.

I do also understand the last weeks have been rockier due to absences. It would be important going forward, to have a regular time slot and to see whether her illness would keep her unavailable again, if you had planned to continue.

Yes she was in hospital and of course this is huge. But the problem started long before she was in hospital.

Regarding my self indulgence - cheers for that. Awesome. You're right though, I am feeling pretty self indulgent because I am fairly devastated and in intense pain. I know I will be fine, but right now everything hurts to an insane level. Everything good and pure and healthy reminds me of her, all the good healthy things I learned with her, and so automatically I want to turn immediately to things that don't remind me of her one iota, like going out and ****ing some sadistic man who will punch me in the face during sex. Of course, I am not going to do this, because I don't play that way anymore (incidentally, never did punching anyway) but that's where my thoughts are swivelling, to the most extreme form of distratction I can think of, and I'm unhappy and in pain.

I'm sorry, I don't understand the driving reference.

Yes, my mother was seriously sick and always in hospital right from when I was born.

This line really stood out to me. Yes, I am invalidating the things that were valuable, because I cannot cope with accepting that they were so important to me and are now gone. If I invalidate them, I can choose anger above pain, which I can handle. My pain will floor me without anger.

So youre kind of acting out being too much for your sick mother to take care of, instead of talking it out with a therapist. So how do you stop doing that? Its a toughie - i was behaving so self-destructively, i couldnt trust any of my decisions, and i said that for every step forward, i was taking two steps backwards. I finally scared myself into just stopping moving at all and have been pretty stagnant for the last ten years. But at least things are getting worse more slowly. We will help you figure out a plan

IG, from everything you have said about your T, I believe you made the right choice, as difficult as it has been.

When T offered you a job I became much more skeptical of her professionalism and her suitability for you.

Actually, all of a sudden I am wondering if working with a financially strapped client was a blind spot for this therapist. All therapists have blind spots, and I remember you saying, IG, that this one worked in a pricey London neighborhood billing at $225 per hour. That along with her idealistic talk of a therapy subsidization program suddenly made a light turn on in my brain.

She was highly qualified to do therapy, given her 20 years of experience and all the amazing progress you made with her, but she had NO idea how to effectively address your financial issues. *Money was not an issue for her* perhaps, and therefore, she didn't know how to deal with the issue of money, boundaries around money, and that exacerbated the issue of her overextending. It may not be something she had prior dealings with, and that along with her illness and the other issues turned into a rupture too painful to repair it sounds like.

Well, at least you're beginning to see what I have been seeing

I think you misunderstand my position, oversimplify it. I also don't recall you making a statement like the one I did above, but I could have missed it.

I never condoned the job offer or other confusing actions, but there is a great deal of good in the relationship and IG's issues are magnifying her reaction to what's occurred.

I see it in a balanced way, not a blame the evil therapist way.

That's interesting. Do you mean maybe she overextended in a compassionate way, because of my financial situation being so bad then?

I know she has had various issues with money before in the past herself, including having to sleep on the streets for a few nights. I know at least a few times before, it struck me that maybe at times she identifies with me too much in many ways. I mean, I had a mortal dread of losing my apartment for several months.

I don't think she's evil. A confused good person. Astonishingly careless which I think has made her callous in ways, but not evil.

No, you said it way better than I have.

I do get the whole "blame the T" thing, but it's the T's responsibility to maintain boundaries. And it's the lack of boundaries that has most hurt this relationship. IG's T did not do her job well enough. And it could be like IG said, she identified too much and despite her years of experience, ended up making mistakes. It happens.

Oh yes, in a compassionate but graceless manner, she certainly had great intentions and also very good results with you in many cases it sounds like. Nothing you've said makes me even remotely doubt her desire to help you heal. But I do sense a certain.... naivete when it came to addressing your financial situation. Her blunders were of the well intended but ill conceived variety.

I don't perceive her as someone who's had significant financial issues in a very long time, and I can certainly see how countertransference may have gotten the best of her if she identified emotionally with your financial fears and difficulties... countertransference is a reality, and I'm sorry it wasn't resolved in this case, I know things got very complicated.

It's my belief it could be resolved, again, based only on what you've shared here, but what I'm hearing is that you are at your limit and that I only have part of the story, and I respect that.

I'm glad to hear you say that, but you know you've been saying the nearly the opposite quite a while, lol, but I respect your need to vent.

Well, I think she has done some things that absolutely stink. And no, I don't trust her anymore, so I am unsure and suspicious about what the hell was going on for the whole of my therapy, in retrospect.

But. You guys have pointed out some things that I think are fair- about projection, and catastrophizing, for example. I know I do these things but when I'm in the middle of doing them I forget that. In the thick of it, I forget that my emotional compass is not a reliable guide. In the thick of it I am bloody right about everything I feel! When I calm down, I am willing to concede I may have made mistakes here and there

You guys, I thank you so much for 'being here' during the worst day I have had in months. Feel calmer now.

You have a lot of questions for her, why don't you go back for at least one session and ask her directly, because honestly, not knowing why she did what she did is what will delay your healing and it only leaves you with your own opinions which aren't fact and you'll only twist it around in a way that makes you the bad guy in all of this and that just isn't the case.

Hold her to account. She owes you that much. If you are truly bent on leaving her then you have nothing to lose by getting some truths from her. And it will give you some closure too and that's important.

I think you are acting out of a lot of fear right now and that's not the best time to make big decisions about termination. From what you've said, it sounds to me like she does care very much for you, she is human and she's either not very good at her job in the first place (perhaps she's not done enough work on herself and her own attachment styles) or she grew to really care about you and got really invested in helping you and let her boundaries slip bit by bit and BECAUSE she cares about keeping you safe and herself for that matter, she had to take a very difficult decision in pulling the boundaries back to where they should have been all the time. It sounds like she's also made a really crap job of doing that because it should have been dealt with openly and honestly, it should have been an ongoing conversation between the two of you and she should have been there to deal with the fall-out. This is her mistake but it sounds like she's blaming you a little bit rather than taking responsibility for her failures. Her boundaries are ALWAYS her responsibilities.

In so far as not reassuring you anymore about you not being too much.... maybe she's realised that constantly reassuring you isn't helping and only increasing your anxiety and therefore is refusing to do that now.

To be honest, I do think you'll be better off with a more competent therapist. But this one needs to be held to account and you deserve to get some answers.

Yes. She could see me next Saturday but then didn't know what to do as she is full in the evenings, and Saturdays aren't an option from then on.

She has just texted though to say she picked up my voicemail and has juggled things if I want to come in on Tuesday night. Now I'm really anxious. I don't know if I want a closure session. The sensible bit of my head thinks I should, and the rest of me thinks it will be heaping more pain on to be offically rejected - I know that's not what it is, but that's what it feels like.

She hasn't rejected you. You feel she has and you are waiting, 1000% sure she will, but that's been going on with you for a long while with her.

I think, actually, if you went back, things would stabilize, and you'd find that a more normal pattern would work better for you, but I understand she has serious shortcomings and that you're really struggling right now.

She's a very giving therapist. I know that is hard for you, which is your issue, but also that she's been overextending herself, which is her issue that turned into your issue.

If you can't bear to stay and let her fix it... I understand.

I wish you grace and strength as you decide what to do.

I'm terrified of going in on Tuesday, but I have a very stubborn streak that goads me to do things that scare me so I am very confused about whether I should go or not. How can I not know what I want? I feel slightly mad for not knowing my own mind.

Perhaps you need some time then. Nothing wrong with waiting til you feel calmer and more objective to decide...