There are times when I find myself actually wanting something real, instead of just my fantasies lately. Admittedly, yes, a lot of them are about my T. I cling to them like a bad habit because they help me get through a miserable boring work day.

A lot of people have disappointed me in my life. I don't even hold high standards anymore. But I realize I'm turning my T into someone who can hurt me, and lately, I realize how that isn't right. I'm making him into my enemy instead of my advocate. I'm pushing him away because I care so much. I don't want to care anymore. It's too much. He sparks these feelings of life in me. I know I should be able to do this on my own.

I realize more and more that absolutely nobody on this earth is perfect, including him. I've been acting the way I do with him because I want to really see him, to see his capacity as a human being. And it isn't fair to him. I obviously have more going on here than just him. I'm sure you will all say, "just talk about it." And I want to. But I don't want to get left feeling worse than I did coming in.

He's teaching me some amazing lessons on what it feels like to really care about someone. I want to give him a chance to explore that even more.. But the depths I might sink into. I don't want to bring him down into it. I just want his unconditional caring, I know he could offer that, if I let him. Again, I am so scared. I'm scared that it's pointless, because when I care, I care too much.

I just want to ask him point blank. Can you handle me? Funny, it's been ten months, and I feel that the real work here has to start. It has to. Going on like this with all these insane feelings just doesn't make sense anymore. I just want to let the words fall out and not care about how I sound or how stupid I look. I want to convey to him just how much I hurt. He's my rock, but I won't even really use it to its full capacity. Maybe I am wasting my time. Certainly, if I keep all this unsaid.

This Friday's session is going to be so important. I know I say that every time, but really, dicking around like I have, playing games. It's frustrating. I'm ****ing sick of this. I want to know how to ask for love and affection instead of just pushing it away. I need him to help me, and ultimately, that is what I really want. Everything else is just fantasy, and it isn't real. I want to start being real.

“I’m good at loving books. I’m good at loving soft bed sheets. I’m good at loving coffees and teas. I am good at loving things that can’t love me back, that don’t have the power to leave. And maybe, that’s why I love them.”

Well. Almost unedited. Typos got the best of me. I took some klonopin so I'm kinda out of it right now.

“I’m good at loving books. I’m good at loving soft bed sheets. I’m good at loving coffees and teas. I am good at loving things that can’t love me back, that don’t have the power to leave. And maybe, that’s why I love them.”

[Freewilled]

I've been where you are....and sometimes I look around and find myself right back there again, despite how much strength I use to try to keep the focus on me and my situation. The pain is so real, so deep, so damaging. I hate to think that my T can't fix it all. But he can't No magic wand. No x-Ray eyes to see exactly what to fix. It's up to me and my T can be there for support in the process. That's it. And to know that brings up so much pain for me. Because I don't want to face the fact that my life is in shambles. That I have to fix it. Or come to terms with it. What my T can't provide is what was never provided for me but should've been. Even what he does provide, I didn't get. So how could I provide it for myself? Since I never got it in the first place? I think that last sentence is key and what might help to focus on. Only the pain there is so deep and wide it can only be digested a piece at a time. It sucks.

[HazelGirl]

I totally understand where you're coming from. I've been seeing my T for 2 years and it's only been in the past 6 months that I have begun to step past the "pretending" and afraid aspect of me to be able to really show her what is real.

[junkDNA]

ive been seeing my T for 4 years. When we first started meeting i had 0 trust in him. i tested him a lot to see if he really cared. i acted out my emotions rather than verbalizing them and processing them. i would pull him in close to me and then push him away. i saw him as a threat yet i wanted to be able to know he cared about me. its so confusing when we have conflicting feelings. over the years and through many trials and tribulations i have learned that my T cares about me very much, goes out of his way to help me, and isnt going to hurt or abandon me. i can now talk about my feelings with him if he does something that makes me angry or hurts my feelings instead of taking it out on my body as a way to punish him. it takes a long time to get past that place. lots of patience and confronting the issue head on. i went from that phase into a very dependent phase with him. i was depressed and suicidal a lot. i would text him any time i felt bad or was thinking about suicide. at first he would respond but then he stopped. we had a particularly hard session in which he told me that i couldnt text him anymore because it distresses him and scares him when i talk about my plans to kill myself. He said that if he responded to me in those times that it was reinforcing my inability to cope and wanting him to fix it for me. After that session we didnt text for months. then he texted me one day and we text again now. our relationship is much more stable now. i no longer feel like he is the only one who can help me cope when im having a bad day. i have learned tools and self care techniques to help myself cope during a time when im struggling. thats not to say i dont need T sometimes because I do. but i learned that i have the ability to care for myself and internalize our relationship. i dont question whether he cares about me now, i feel secure in knowing that he does, even if sometimes he chooses not to respond to my text or email.

i guess i just wanted to relate to your situation. but there is a way to recover, to learn how healthy relationships work, and to feel more secure in your attachment to ur T and other people in ur life. the work is hard and grueling, and sometimes, painful, but very healing. i know u know the answer is to just talk about it, but i also know its easier to avoid it becasue it might be embarrassing or too painful and scary. i hope that u find the courage to be really candid with ur T about this and i hope that he has the resources, skills, and care to guide u through this.

edit: i dont want it to seem like i have this all figured out . im still learning every day. recovery is a journey and it is most certainly not linear. there are ups and downs, good days and bad days, steps forward then steps back. i dont want to come across as a know it all or anything. because im not. at all.