[biiv]

where to put this. mostly cos im not sure what im going to say. just know that i need to talk about what ive been talking to T about. please someone move this post if its in the wrong place. thank you.
you know what? just
thats what i feel like doing and i cant. it started with T yesterday and the tears just started to run but she said not to hold them in and i couldnt help it. then every now and then today for no reason i feel them coming again but had to keep them in because i was in college. now the sadness is just in there and i cant get it out.
i dont get whats so wrong with me. what is it about me thats so... dispicable that people keep leaving me? i dont care that my father never wanted me but i would like to know what it is about me that he didnt want. why is it i just dont fit into this world? why do i feel so disconnected so much of the time? why does it feel like im watching myself whenever im in company? like watching a film? i can hear myself laughing at peoples jokes and it sounds like bad acting. and whenever i go to speak recently the same thing happens as when i was younger. my voice cracks and i cant get words out or i trail off mid sentence because it feels like ive just run naked onto the middle of a stage in a packed theatre. why cant i relate to what people are saying and have the same conversations that come so easily to them? do i set myself up so that i make people leave because of all this stuff or do people leave because they see ME?
it feels like im fragmented. so many different people i dont know who i am. why do my thoughts and actions change depending on who im talking to so i can have two totally different opinions without realising? sometimes they melt into eachother and its terrifying. the wrong one comes out in the wrong surroundings. why am i so weird?
why do i write all this and panic because i dont know if im lying and i dont know if its me im talking about? how can you genuinely not know if you re lying?? why dont i trust what i feel and my memory even of what happened 5 minutes ago? why cant i believe that i said what i think i said and that other people said what i think i heard them say and that things did happen as i think i remember them to have happened? even when they only happened today im afraid im making them up. but maybe thats not true. i know i went to classes today. i know i drank tea today. i know i walked half way home. so i know things. so im lying about not remembering? but im sure theres other stuff. if you ask me a question i ll get confused.
why too do people ask if i remember things from further back and i have no memory at all? just normal things. or sometimes not from that far back. from a couple of weeks ago and i cant remember.
my T is so kind and i really want her to be ok with me but i know she ll leave like everyone else. either cos i leave when i feel her leaving or she leaves me. i wish to god i didnt need people and could just be alone.

[Christina86]

(((((((((biiv))))))))))

It is so very hard to accept someone in our lives that probably won't leave us and that is there to support us. Especially when everyone else has left or nobody understands.

Not your fault for trying to not get hurt and leaving before other people leave you. Not at all your fault. It's a defence mechanism, I know I do it too. Pushing people away so they don't get close and then leave you high and dry by your lonesome again.

I don't think you really want to be alone, deep down, you just don't want anyone else to leave.

What about printing off this post you made and giving it to her? It sounds like stuff that might help her help you.

I wish I had answers to your questions, but you're not alone. I feel disconnected an awful lot myself.

(((((((((((biiv)))))))))))))))) take care of yourself

Okay... Validation... Attunement...

You know, I could have written exactly that post a few years back. Why? Why? Why? I couldn't understand why I felt so different from everybody else...

The first thing that springs to mind is validation. If your perceptions / thoughts / feelings aren't validated as a kid (if they are invalidated instead) then one grows up learning to constantly question the accuracy / validity of ones perceptions / thoughts / feelings. Hence... Inability to say what ones preferences, thoughts, feelings, perceptions etc are and even more importantly, one worries that one doesn't know what one prefers or thinks or whatever so one can constantly worry that they are lying or making up stories or are wrong or crazy or whatever.

Linehan gives a good example of this:
'Can you help me put up the picture dear'
'Sure, just let me go to the bathroom first'
'You don't need to go to the bathroom'

The second thing that springs to mind is attunement. I've only just acquired the word but I figured out the concept a while back. Have you ever played the computer game 'The Sims'? The laws of interaction are based on someone or others theory of social interaction. Basically, when the sim is enjoying the conversation they get little +++ depending on how much they are enjoying it. When the sim is not enjoying the conversation they get little -- depending on how much they are not enjoying it. The aim of the game is to have as many +++ (positive social interactions) all round.

I started to see little ++ and ---- when people were talking. Other people. And then when I was participating in a conversation I started notiving the same thing too. And what I found really hard was to have mutual instances of ++. A moment of a mutual smile when both people feel connected, for example. This is linked to validation. Some peoples parents aren't very attuned so they mirror / compliment their kids perceptions / feelings etc. And so the kid grow up not knowing how to do that.

That is where therapy can help. Empathetic attunement. In having that kind of relationship with your t the skills you learn with interacting with her should (eventually) start to generalise to outside the therapy situation. It is hard. I understand how hard it is. It is a slow process...

Why do people leave? Their own %#@&#! mostly. Especially when little kids are involved. With respect to adults the situation can be more complicated. Hang in there sweetie, things will get a whole heap better for you. It will take some time. But things will get better.

With respect to crying... Can you put on a sad movie or something and allow yourself to cry to that? Sometimes that can be a relatively safe way of crying. Just a thought...

[Soidhonia]

Hello Biiv. It is very hard to trust people and that is a very hurtful thing when you want someone in your life and you are waitng for the right person to come along. I am very sorry that you are so hurt about what has happened to you in your life, but life includes a lot of lessons abut life. If you dont feel better soon you should call your Dr perhaps you need a med adjustment that may help as well. I hope your therapist can help you get over the hurt that you are feeling and you feel better soon. Take care Soidhonia

[biiv]

thank you canders, alexandra and soidhonia. i appreciate your replies so so much. i really need to know someone cares right now. im having trouble taking in all of what you re saying though. concentration is not my strong point at the moment. i will keep rereading as i can until it goes in but i wanted to thank you.
i know things are really out of whack right now cos ive been dizzy on and off for the last two days and now my right arm is getting this tingling/electricity thing in it again which i think is stress related. i missed my first lecture this morning too cos i couldnt get out of bed. im going to lie down and sleep now to see if things are better in the morning. i hate this so much.
thank you again and im so sorry for complaining and feeling sorry for myself. this will pass. at least im hopeful its happening because im actually getting somewhere this time. its just a hard place to get to but it will be good in the end.
thanks and sorry.
biiv