[angelicgoldfish05]

Had my second session with new t this past week. It was ok. He did a guided meditation/hypnosis thing which was very helpful. He said it is good that I found it to be enjoyable.
I wish I could speed up the process and have 100 sessions under my belt with him by now already, then I might be in a different place, and I'd be so amazed and grateful. He is going on vacation next week so now it's going to be two weeks since I see him next.
I've actually tried the meditation CD he burned for me. Once today and once yesterday. Last week, I didn't meditate at all. So, there is progress and this is good. I hate how slow I am to help myself and change. It's like I've just burnt out all my energies helping others, and since I never ask for help, my batteries are just taking a loooong time to recharge or something.
On top of it all, I'm feeling so lonely, sad and useless - even desperate, that I might borrow someone else's coping mechanism I saw posted here and go do a casual encounter off craigslist. Why the F&#@ not. I'd feel worse when it was over, even more empty and more used or hollow. Then at least I'd have a reason to feel this way.
I emailed ex-t and of course he did not write back. He is gone. And I hate myself. But really, deep down, if I could even find a place to be, I'd maybe be angry at him. I don't know why cause he is my favorite person on the planet but at the same time - he has just disappeared on me and is just gone. It breaks my heart. I wrote a post about how he means nothing to me but then I deleted it. It was a classic borderline pd switch from idolization to devaluation in no time at all. And what it made me think of is a heart breaking. The whole heart does nothing but love and generate positive feelings. Then something happens - a person disappears and is gone for example (a person you practically threw yourself at their feet and begged them for mercy to even give you a tiny crumb of their attention or time or love or care, a person you have come no short of worshipping because you believe they are just the cure for what ails you, or a person that you adore so much it hurts because you have gotten to know them a little and what you know is so beautiful) - And then BAM, your heart breaks in half and there's nothing to do but flip the switch and go to the opposite. A heart broken in two all of a sudden says this same person means nothing to you. They are nothing to you. They are as good as dead to you. It is all you know how to do to deal. But if they ever (and they won't, they are gone) gave you anything - a message, a letter, a phone call (which is truly impossible because you don't have a phone), or the best of all which would be time in person - then your heart is right back to lighting up and glowing with love again, overflowing with love, and they are right back on top of your world, in the best of the best, and reigning over all.

Who gives another person this much power over them, and dear God, why?

I did not talk about this at all with my new therapist. I don't even know how to bring it up, or explain it, or anything.

[HazelGirl]

Please don't hurt yourself. I know it's hard. Hang in there. You have just begun. Can you call someone (like a crisis line) and talk to them? I did that earlier this week and it helped a lot when I was feeling like self-harming.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Please don't hurt yourself. I know it's hard. Hang in there. You have just begun. Can you call someone (like a crisis line) and talk to them? I did that earlier this week and it helped a lot when I was feeling like self-harming.

Thanks HazelGirl. I'm not sure why you care about a total stranger enough to write them that you don't want them to hurt themselves, but I appreciate it. Not sure why ex-t could not have taken the 30 seconds to tell me something like that, but guess I don't want to accept that he is gone and does not care any more if I hurt myself or not. At least you do, or seem to, so thank you. I don't have a phone so I can't call anyone but posting here helps. Thank you for replying.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

Thanks HazelGirl. I'm not sure why you care about a total stranger enough to write them that you don't want them to hurt themselves, but I appreciate it. Not sure why ex-t could not have taken the 30 seconds to tell me something like that, but guess I don't want to accept that he is gone and does not care any more if I hurt myself or not. At least you do, or seem to, so thank you. I don't have a phone so I can't call anyone but posting here helps. Thank you for replying.

Yes, I care. Because you're a fellow human being and I understand what it's like to be in your place.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Sometimes you wish things would speed up. Sometimes you wish things would slow down. It's difficult, but it's best to remain in the present.

I am understanding that concept this week. Normally, I look to the future and see how much further I have to go and then I start the whole process of putting myself down. If I look to the past, all I see is pain and loss. But if I stop and look at where I am right this second, I realize that I'm okay. I still have my problems in life, but for this second, I'm safe. Sometimes the little things are a bigger step than the big things.

I'm sorry for your loss of your ex-T. Losing someone you felt close to isn't easy. Sometimes losing someone you don't like isn't easy either (I hated my last T, but was totally crushed when she terminated with me w/o telling me). It's the push/pull, the idealizing/devaluing that messes with relationships and your own head.

I can tell you this: at some point things will get better. Life is full of ups and downs, so at some point it has to get better (even if a little).

Hang in there, and do talk to your new T about how you're feeling. Maybe he can give you more coping skills to help you through this.