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#1
Jun 11, 2014, 08:43 PM
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I went to T today, just like every Wednesday...but my session today went to a place I never would have imagined it even might.
We started out with our usual small talk, then she casually asked about my body image because she was wondering since I haven't really been talking about it lately...and after that, everything snowballed. My answer was two thumbs down and saying "crappy"...so she asked why. In that moment, I honestly didn't have an answer...or it was just too hard to come up with one, I don't know which. And then of course she starts saying how body image isn't the real issue, it's just the one on the surface that we take out the real issues on. So then we started talking about my family...and from there on out, I spent at least half my time in tears, sometimes just sitting there, staring at the floor, unable to speak. Bingo. She struck a chord and we hit it the core. I really don't want to go into detail, but the gist of it is that I feel abandoned/unwanted and inferior. I left the office crying and trying to pull myself together. Thankfully I had sunglasses with me so I could put them on and hide my red, puffy eyes, and I kept them on until I got to the safety of my own home. I was supposed to go out to dinner with my best friend tonight, and meet him at the restaurant...but even after just trying to relax at home, I wasn't feeling up to going out, so I texted him and asked if we could just do dinner at my place, and thankfully, he understood, said yes, and came over. It was nice to not be alone, and to have someone who understands with me, even though we spent most of our time together in silence, watching Netflix and eating. Spending this time with him took my mind off things a bit for awhile, but as soon as I was alone again, I was consumed with my thoughts and started crying again. I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically. I forgot how much hurt I live with on a daily basis because I have a tendency to repress my feelings to the point that I'm not even able to say what they are. (That was a big problem for me in my first few years of T -- my T would always ask me how I felt about something, and I would beat around the bush and not give an actual emotion...I was that person that needed that poster with the various feelings and facial expressions)... I just want to sit, and to be...but somehow I've gotta get to sleep tonight, and somehow I've gotta get up in the morning and make it through another day at work...and right now, I don't have faith that I can do it. And people wonder why others hate opening up. It sucks putting everything out there and dealing with it. It hurts. |
 Aloneandafraid, Anonymous100300, Bells129, Bill3, CameraObscura, Favorite Jeans, FourRedheads, growlycat, healed84, Irrelevant221, JaneC, kororain, lightcatcher, nottrustin, out2009, rainbow8, RTerroni, ruiner, Rzay4, SoupDragon, ThisWayOut, tinyrabbit, waiting4, Wysteria
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#2
Jun 11, 2014, 08:46 PM
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I am sorry you are in so much pain..
__________________
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#3
Jun 11, 2014, 08:47 PM
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It does hurt. I hope you sleep well.
As much as it is painful, it sounds like it was a very productive session.
__________________
HazelGirl PTSD, Depression, ADHD, Anxiety Propranolol 10mg as needed for anxiety, Wellbutrin XL 150mg |
 Leah123, Wysteria
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#4
Jun 11, 2014, 09:33 PM
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 ((Sing))Those tears have always been in you. In the long run (  ) it is best to get them out.
__________________
Mr Ambassador, alias Ancient Plax, alias Captain Therapy, alias Big Poppa, alias Secret Spy, etc. Add that to your tattoo, Baby! |
| Wysteria
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| Aloneandafraid, BonnieJean
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#5
Jun 12, 2014, 02:24 AM
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It sucks and it hurts, but that's hurt you've been carrying with you for a long time and the way to ease it is - absurdly - to feel it and go through it, not around it.
I'm sorry you're hurting though. You did really well to go there. |
| Aloneandafraid, CantExplain, Wysteria
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#6
Jun 12, 2014, 02:53 AM
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(((((SingDanceRunLife)))))
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| Wysteria
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#7
Jun 12, 2014, 06:36 AM
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Thanks everyone for your kind words. I'm still feeling very fragile, and I know that if even one little thing goes wrong today, I'll have a complete breakdown. I really wanted to call into work today, but I need the money.
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| Aloneandafraid, Bill3, CantExplain, out2009, unaluna, Wysteria
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| Aloneandafraid
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#8
Jun 13, 2014, 08:23 PM
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And things have snowballed once again...yesterday was just horrible, and today honestly wasn't a whole lot better...
Sometimes I really freaking hate T! |
| Bill3, BonnieJean, CantExplain, Wysteria
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| Wysteria
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#9
Jun 13, 2014, 09:49 PM
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Hang in there....it is really hard and it really hurts...
I totally get how much you want to learn and change and get this burden and pain off... and how much you want to distract or pull anything out of your hat to not feel this... I don't know if it might help you, but perhaps you could work on some lists of emotions..(search Wikipedia etc)...to help improve and define emotions and what they mean to you, or do some journaling to help offload more of what is still stuck inside or email to T some more about the connections to family you were experiencing and becoming more aware of... Just stay safe and self soothe and reward yourself for the hard work you have done and getting through some really tough days... I'm just so sorry that you are hurting...know that we all understand and feel for you while you go through this... Gentle hugs, WB
__________________
 Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your heart. Who looks outside, Dreams... Who looks inside, Awakens... - Carl Jung |
| Bill3
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| Aloneandafraid
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#10
Jun 13, 2014, 10:33 PM
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Quote:
((Sing))Hard work and very painful, but it does pay off. Could you tell your T that you've got as much on your plate as you can take and can he stop pushing for a bit?
__________________
Mr Ambassador, alias Ancient Plax, alias Captain Therapy, alias Big Poppa, alias Secret Spy, etc. Add that to your tattoo, Baby! |
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#11
Jun 14, 2014, 07:18 AM
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I would've been okay...but my mom texted me with bad/sad news, admitting that she didn't do it when she found out, and that she didn't want to call...so pretty much my feelings about my family were confirmed.
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| Bill3, CantExplain, Wysteria
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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