She's Moonlighting!!?!!

I can acknowledge that this makes sense, and indeed, I've thought it through in the past, but to see her using another site, so much less expensive, to feel so constrained, and surprised, it's hard to reconcile.

Good customers should get the best service. I've been a loyal one. Deeply committed. This is like employees penalized for staying with a company too long: the reality is, job hoppers make more. Sigh.

I wish she would terminate her agreement with the current site. If she did that, she'd be able to see me I think, elsewhere, for so much less. I'm her primary client... she can't be making that much from them, that she couldn't make from seeing me elsewhere.



P.S. Of course, she can't risk leaving the site on bad terms for one client, sigh.

And she may not really make nearly as much at the other site either. It might look that way on paper, but maybe she doesn't have the numbers there or maybe she's trying them out to see if they would even be really workable financially procedurally, etc. There is probably MUCH more about this that you don't really know that factors in on why she has made the business decisions she has made. And most of the time, these contracts read that even if she should leave that company, she can't take her clients with her. Lots you probably don't really know about how the business really works for her.

I may be missing a few details, but I'm actually a site administrator for a similar site and I know the business models really well. You're correct that the site won't be as lucrative for her as the site we're on, mainly because I'm a client, ha. However, there are sites that absolutely would be, it just comes down to her not taking me on as a client where I could actually afford her and that doesn't feel good. That and being told she wasn't going to use other sites.

YOU chose this website. She didn't lure you there. You knew the financial terms when you signed up with her. She may have restrictions that prevent her from offering this other site to you (who knows), but you are the customer here and you have the option to go elsewhere. You just don't like that you probably can't take her with you. You do have other options such as finding a therapist you can use on your insurance, etc. I know you don't want to, so this really isn't about the money. This is about taking her business decisions very personally when I doubt that they are meant as a personal affront to you.

Oh, no, I don't think it was meant as an affront at all! No, no, she's not trying to complicate my life by adding another website to her portfolio.

But what I'm seeing is but for a technicality, I could be her client at a FRACTION of the cost, and I'm not wealthy enough for that to not matter.

And no, I didn't know the fee structure breakdown when I signed up. Once I learned it, it really bothered me. I also didn't know about some of the other options. I was in a crisis, and I choose her and the site because I really needed help at the moment.

And of course I don't like that I couldn't take her with me! Therapists aren't all interchangeable, sigh.

She replied:

"Yes, I signed up for the XXXXXXX site. While I prefer XXXXXXXX, I would work with clients if they contact me through XXXXXXX. XXXXXXXX allows for being able to work on other sites, not like XXXXXXXX. I am open to signing up on other sites if I think they are good quality and like their format. I see nothing incongruent about this, you do? "

I really just want to tell her that I'll give her two weeks to ponder her own question while I take a break, jeeze.

This is me upset. Not making a decision, just being upset.

It is WRENCHING to think of the money I'm spending on something that other customers can buy for 12 cents on the dollar!

I know that, Leah. That's my point. This really isn't about the money for you, but you are making it about the money. This is more about feeling betrayed I'm guessing. Assuming there is nothing she can do to get you on the other site (and who knows, maybe you'll find out differently and that would be great), what is really important here isn't the money to you. It is the relationship. Don't lose that perspective in your stress over the money. You are allowing this to cloud your thinking right now it seems.

Seriously? Do therapists feign ignorance? How could she not know how that would feel to a long-term client who is going to paying much more for the same service she offers elsewhere?

Instead of beating around the bush, talk to her. Explain why you feel it is incongruent and how hurt you feel. Even though you may be taking a purely business decision really personally, it's better that she knows why this is rather than trying to play your game and guess.

It is about the money... it's about thinking if not for a technicality, I could see her at 12% of what I'm paying now. You know, I'd like to live in that ideal world where the money doesn't ever cloud the relationship, but seriously.... I'm here, paying a lot, and she's there, charging a little, and yes, I have feelings about that, not hiding them.

Betrayed? Yes. She told me she was sticking with this one service.
Angry? Yes. I struggle to pay for something that's cheaper at a store I'm not allowed in. It feels unfair.
Tired of stressing about money? Oooooh yes.

Willing to give her up? Probably not, and that's the truly painful part.

She's built a relationship with me, a healing relationship and I love her. It's fine, the money's fine, but... it's not.

She's worth the money, but it's such a sacrifice. It's easier to pay for something without realizing there are alternatives: I can only buy this at one store. It's harder to justify it when it's so much cheaper elsewhere, just knowing that is hard at the moment.

Yeah, I don't plan on beating around the bush I don't think, that's probably why I'm here on PC, being really mad and venting and sharing my first impressions.

I should explain to her perhaps, and I may well, I just need a minute to be upset.

She may actually prefer it if you tell her while you're upset before you rationalize her behavior. She will learn a lot more about how you handle slights and offenses, and she will be able to help you understand better without your own interpretation getting in the way.

I guess what I'm saying is just reply to the stinking email and explain what is going on with you emotionally right now, even if it's selfish and illogical and unfair.

How can this site dictate where you as the client go? If the therapist can spread her services to other websites then you are also free to go where the fees are cheaper. How would they ever know?

She has an agreement, I believe, not to take clients. They wouldn't know, but she won't agree to it, last I checked. She feels bound by her agreement. She wants to work both sites, and me switching to the second, cheaper site, would endanger her ability to work at the first site. It wouldn't be found out, but if it were, it would cause her a problem and be breaking her agreement.

That means a lot more to her than me, sigh. I respect it while I hate it. And it doesn't feel at all fair to me.

It's not just being slighted or offended: it's knowing that I could save a tremendous amount of money every month. It's not a small sum.

And I don't think I'm being selfish. I think it's perfectly reasonable for me to wish to pay less now that I know that's an option for other clients.

I appreciate the reality is that due to an agreement SHE has with that site, she won't see me elsewhere. That is a serious bother.

But, she wouldn't be taking you with her. She didn't tell you she worked elsewhere, you found out. And took your business to a site that was more competitive.

I know that isn't really the issue deep down but it seems ludicrous.

You've summed up my problem, because I completely agree with you.

She wouldn't ask me to change sites, and I wouldn't ask her for such information. But I found this out completely independently, and I'm like a consumer on one of those damned cell phone contracts, stuck with using an overpriced carrier if I want to keep my amazing phone.

This is why I don't have a cell phone contract, sigh, and my therapist means a million times more to me than a phone or anything else in my life save my family and my home.

Ties that bind.

I'm concerned about something else...you said you were worried about mentioning the other site in an email because emails are monitored??? Isn't most of your therapy email therapy? And the site can read them and violate your privacy?

Can you share what you pay and what you get? And can you share what the other site costs and what it offers?

I understand it's not "just" a slight. But it does give her a window into what you're thinking and how you're thinking.

I know you have an attachment to her....but any way it might be a good time to consider an in person T?

Most of my therapy is done via phone or online chats, and yes, a fair amount is done via email. Communication is not typically monitored, but it can be, that's part of the agreement.

She knows what I pay, that's made clear to the therapists. Therapists set a rate, and receive approximately half of it, the exact percentage varies based on certain factors.

I know the fee split because I am registered as an expert on that particular site in a different capacity (it's not a therapy-only site.)

So, we both know basically the costs and benefits of the site. All I know regarding the other one is the fee split's smaller, so I could pay her less and she'd still make more offering her own services I think, and that using their program, the rate would actually drop to 12% of my current rate. I wouldn't receive identical services but would still have live chat with her and other features, for soooooo much less.

Oh yes, I will tell her. It boils down to knowing she's turned down my offer to pay her more elsewhere, stating she wouldn't go elsewhere, and seeing her go elsewhere. And the understanding of the logic behind it, she's not supposed to see me elsewhere. Trouble is, I hate being bound by the agreement. If I want to see her, I pay this premium while others can pay much easier rates. It seems like a lot of expense over what for me is a technicality.

I think that's where we're at.

Ha, at the moment, I feel like taking a long vacation from her. The saved money would be wonderful and useful. But, we have something... built over this intensive course of therapy and I don't want to lose it. She's offered to be my therapist for life, that doesn't happen every day. She's been there for me through great difficulties and great healing and progress. She's part of my life now. This is very hard.

I have done some reading on online therapy and listened to some podcasts about them (as I was thinking of going that route). From what I've read, when you join, you agree to terms and conditions that allow them to monitor any and all communication. For quality control, I would be willing to bet money that they have a policy about her offering her services to you through another venue (where they don't get their cut) so as long as you are communicating through their services, she is ethically bound to not offer that to you. In addition to ethics, I would also bet that the company has methods in place to scan communication for key phrases that imply a therapist is offering to work with clients outside of their organization.

Also, after reading the terms and conditions for some of those sites, I decided to never use them. For some, they say that you cannot communicate outside of their system, that any and all communication can be monitored and that they can use your correspondence with the therapist in any way they see fit. So, basically, your therapy isn't private and they own the transcripts.

That's all true, and actually, I don't mind the part about privacy. I'm not ashamed of what I've discussed, so I'm not fearful of being revealed. Also, I know that while the company has access, they have better things to do than read my transcripts for kicks, this is not as exciting to them as it is to me. But yes, I imagine they monitor for policy violations, just as you said.

Sigh... she's well within her rights to do what she has. That's not my issue, I mean, I can't argue with the logic of it. I'm just struck at the reality of having to pay SO much and be limited to the one site if I want to work with her, knowing there are alternatives, just not for me. Urgh!