[HazelGirl]

(Trigger warning: abuse)

I had an appointment today, and we talked about some friends who had cancelled on me last minute, dissociation, and some of past trauma. I know I'm feeling sort of okay at the moment, but I also know that the therapy hangover is coming. I can feel it.

I pushed myself really hard in terms of opening up and being honest. It was actually really relieving and freeing. We talked about how I am so easily upset when people mess with plans, and how that comes from my extreme emotional sensitivity (I guess HSP's have this problem among others). And about how my sensitivity makes me a great and loyal friend, but it also makes life much more difficult. I know she was trying to convince me that being an HSP is a good thing, even though it has painful aspects. But I'm just not convinced yet. So many things are still so painful because up until recently, I just ignored and pushed away my feelings. I don't quite know how to handle them yet.

We also talked about how frustrated I am when I dissociate, and how much I feel like I'm wasting time and have no control over it. I know it's only going to go as fast as I can handle. But it's still frustrating and really overwhelming when it happens. We also talked about how I can't tell her when I feel like that and how I feel stuck and trapped in it, unable to get out of it on my own, and how I feel like I want to disappear and not draw attention to myself. And how all of that is related to the past, where I would have to disappear in order to remain safe.

And we spent about half the appointment on some past trauma. I talked about how I don't miss my father, but I do miss what he didn't give me. We talked about how he would use violence and yelling and threats to control me, and how he had absolutely no capacity to truly love or connect with me. My T thinks he was a sociopath who genuinely has no ability to feel anything fond towards others. He hated anything that interrupted him and his life, so my life as a child around him became all about him. I was "lost" in my own life. And as we talked, I actually felt really sad about it. A year ago, I would have just felt numb. But I felt this overwhelming sadness and grief a few times, although I don't allow myself to cry when I do. It is still very scary to allow it. But it is a huge indicator that I am actually getting somewhere in this trauma work stuff because I am able to be sad for myself. I think that maybe, at least a little bit, I am learning compassion for myself and what I went through.

So, over all a very good and yet very exhausting appointment. I am so ready to sleep for like a week. I feel so drained.

[sweepy62]

Wow you are moving a bit foward a bit in your trauma work, all I feel at this point is anger and anger at my t for asking me about it.

As for the exhaustion, it does leave you drained, OMG you feel like you could sleep for days, I see t on Wednesday .

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[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Wow you are moving a bit foward a bit in your trauma work, all I feel at this point is anger and anger at my t for asking me about it.

As for the exhaustion, it does leave you drained, OMG you feel like you could sleep for days, I see t on Wednesday .

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It's only taken me two years! You just started with this new T. It will take time.

[Wren_]

Wow ... seems like you covered a lot in your session

no wonder you are feeling drained ... can you do something to relax for awhile now?

Really seems like you are making some good progress in what you are talking about ... is HSP a term your T introduced you to or were you using it before?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

Wow ... seems like you covered a lot in your session

no wonder you are feeling drained ... can you do something to relax for awhile now?

Really seems like you are making some good progress in what you are talking about ... is HSP a term your T introduced you to or were you using it before?

HSP stands for highly sensitive person and it's something she told me about. It's a concept that comes from a book called "The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine Aron. It's a great book!

We did cover a lot. It's helpful that our appointments are often longer than the scheduled hour because I'm often the last appointment of the day. So if we are in the middle of something, we can take some extra time to explore it more rather than end the appointment because someone else is waiting.

[tinyrabbit]

I think it's wonderful that you are starting to show compassion towards yourself. It is hard, but important, to learn to treat ourselves as human beings.

You are doing really good work!

[JaneC]

Wow. That compassion for oneself is a hard step to take. Well done HG, how wonderful.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I think it's wonderful that you are starting to show compassion towards yourself. It is hard, but important, to learn to treat ourselves as human beings.

You are doing really good work!

I think it's a huge step for me in terms of understanding myself and my reactions in the past. And I hope that it will help me rebuild confidence and a sense of self as I continue.

Originally Posted by JaneC

Wow. That compassion for oneself is a hard step to take. Well done HG, how wonderful.

Thanks. I don't really feel like I chose to have compassion for myself. I think I just feel safe enough and known enough that I can start to accurately look at my past and my responses, and with that comes accurately knowing how painful it all was and how much I didn't get that I needed.