I'm so nervous to see my T this Thursday. I saw her last week and everything was good. I was on cloud nine telling her about the certification program I'm in to start furthering my education and get my degree. I'm in clinicals right now and I saw her right after my first day of clinicals last week. I don't know if I hide it well or if she is going to think I'm crazy or maybe I'm just being dramatic and don't realize it..but I just feel completely angry and down and frustrated all at once. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs on the inside and can't express it on the outside. I can't stand taking breaks or sitting down. I can't just stop my bulimia as I so want to. I just want to stop...I was able to stop drinking, but I can't seem to do the same with binging and purging. I have been doing so for 14 years. No telling the havoc I'm reeking on my body by now. My T has been so patient and helpful..I have been somewhat successful with cutting down on binging and purging. I can stop for a few days, but I always start back and feel like a complete failure. I'm learning better eating habits and strategies. I just don't want her to get inpatient with me or make her disappointed...she hasn't given me any signs or said anything to make any of these fears be true. I just think they are true in my head. The point I'm getting to is I think I'm reaching some sort of huge emotional crossroads and I don't know how to convey it to my T. I'm wondering if I need to seriously look into checking myself in an inpatient psychiatric facility of some kind. I still have contemplating thoughts of suicide..like my mind is reminding me that it is still a viable option when it shouldn't be. I just want to get better. I don't want suicide to be a viable option for me. I don't want to have a cardiac arrest from my electrolytes being imbalanced..I don't want to end up in some vegetative state because I binged and purged myself into that state..I don't want to lose my teeth..I don't want to end up on a feeding tube or end up with a colostomy bag. I just don't want to be in this same state in another 14 years.

[Wysteria]

Dear Kneehole...

First, you are right, this seems like a very large and dramatic change in thinking from where you were last week with your T....and your real nervousness is that she will not be prepared or realize somehow how badly your are hurting and how much fear you have right now. If I may suggest it, and your T allows it, perhaps it's time to copy this and email it with some adjustments to T so that she will be ready for you.

Secondly, as you already know, nothing is hurting you right this minute. You are safe. It is the future that seems so frightening to you based on your current patterns of behaviours and thoughts.... So do everything you can to ground and distract until some of these fears stop spiraling quite so much...

Then email T and really see how afraid you are and whether you still feel like you need to go inpatient. If you continue to feel unsafe, please just go and get evaluated... Let things calm just a little and then take stock of where you are and what your T recommends. She knows you well, I assume, and will help you see through the spirals to where you need to be.

So breathe, send the email...distract and self soothe for a while...and then evaluate what you need again. Journal some more and see if some key points don't come out to help you make your decisions...and let T guide you. But if at any point you take one step beyond consideration of those thoughts, please go to hospital and call pdoc/T and let them know so they can facilitate the intake process.

Please let us know how you're doing...best wishes and
gentle soothing hugs,
Wysteria Blue

[blur]

this sounds so tough to deal with. i think talking to your T about going inpatient sounds like a good idea. i've heard really good things about inpatient treatment for eating disorders. a friend of mine dated someone years ago with bulimia and when she went inpatient she was finally able to stop.

[clairelisbeth]

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so badly right now. I'm in recovery from long-term bulimia and what you are going through is hellish. It sounds like you are working so hard to reduce symptom use, but it's really hard to do outpatient, even with the help of what sounds like a really supportive T.

I was wondering if you've ever pursued php treatment or inpatient treatment for your eating disorder?

If you ever want to talk, please feel free to pm me. It's such an incredibly hard battle-even though things are tough right now, the fact that you are still willing to fight is amazing.

All my best

-C



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