Transference with T vs. Other authority figures

Hi everyone, I was just kind of wondering about something. I never had any sort of erotic transference with a T until my last T. And I don't have any erotic transference with my current T; but I do have along history of having erotic/maternal transference with teachers to the point of unhealthy obsession.

So my question is if you have some kind of significant transference with your T (maternal, erotic, hostile, etc.) do you find that you have that same kind of transference with similar figure outside of (or before) therapy? Or if you only have transference in therapy why do you think it happens there, but not in other relationships? And if you have transference in multiple relationships do you think that it is better to have it in therapy vs. other places, or do you think it doesn't matter?

I've never had transference for my therapists, but I know I have absolutely experienced transference in certain other relationships. I am relieved that it happens that way for me because I can take those real life issues to my therapist and talk through them with him without having the messy issues of transference for my therapist tangling things up in my therapy itself. I feel like I am able to deal with those real life issue pretty quickly and directly without getting waylaid along the way with transference complications with my therapist. Doesn't seem quite as complicated as what so many describe when they have such strong transference problems directly with their therapist . . . at least from what I gather from descriptions here.

I've had over 20 of what I like to call "mother-figures" in my life. It was my way of getting the nurturing I was missing due to my parents neglect. They ranged from Ts, teachers, counselors, older women in general. Some would be extremely nurturing, some would be the "tough love" type.

I am attached to my current T and Pdoc. But I don't see them as "mother-figures". Actually, I don't think the attachment has anything to do with transference. I just look up to them, trust them, feel safe with them, and enjoy conversing with them.

I think it's different this time because in my last "mother-figure relationship, I received a ton of nurturing. But I finally realized that it wasn't filling the hole in my heart. It felt good, but I still was in pain from my past. Now I see my T and Pdoc for all that they are. They are role-models, cheerleaders, professionals, support, encouragement...but not mothers.

In the past, I've had crushes on teachers, professors, and of course therapists. Some erotic, some more parental.

These are supposed to be "safe" relationships, so the mind is free to wander!!!

I've had what I thought were crushes or obsessions with teachers, a guy at church, etc. Some were erotic, some I thought were like a mother to me, or a father figure.

I have had 2-3 maternal transference relationships dating back from early childhood that I would describe as intensivley obsessive. But they have been few and far between when compared with how many people I've known and befriended over the years.

It seems to be only a certain kind of person that I am drawn to in this obsessive way - always an older woman who appears to be confident, intelligent, capable, and in some way is able to draw out the part of me that, for lack of a better way to put it, feels like a young child and holds my traumas.

Sadly, these older women that I am drawn to also tend to have very narcissistic qualities, and the relationship takes on a very unequal power balance, where they seem to be the perfect and all powerful benefactor, and I am the scared, inept, in pain needy person who grovels for any crumbs of affection that fall from their table. But at some point, I fail to live up to their expectations and they reject me. Very similar to my relationship with my parents.

Over the years, I have also been drawn in a similar, but much milder way, toward a couple of older men with narcissistic qualities. Neither dynamic is romantic. It's absolutely a maternal or paternal thing. A parent-child dynamic. It's a very rare, but powerful draw when it happens - like a moth to a flame. And it always ends up retraumatizing me.

I find that the unhealthy part of myself is much quicker to bond with and trust someone that I don't feel worthy of, and who is emotionally withholding" than someone trustworthy, like my t.

My t says I have a need to keep "reinacting the trauma from my childhood."

Strangely, I am not drawn into a maternal transference relationship of this sort with older women who willingly offers nurturing care. Neither am I drawn into relationships like this with any of my peers - friends of my own age.

PS - I also don't have this dynamic with my husband, although he does possess some narcissistic qualities. Along with my psychological problems, my husband has rapid-cycling bipolar disorder and a host of serious medical problems, some potentially life threatening. So as you can imagine, it can be very stressful for both of us. But we love each other greatly, have been married for 31 years, and have both had 10+ years of individual therapy, plus a few joint sessions. We love each other enough to put in the hard work necessary to keep our relationship alive and healthy.

The most painful and strongest transference/attachment in my life was toward my primary school teacher.. It was nearly obsession when I was in my early teens because I was missing her so much and I couldn't find relief.

It took me more than 10 years to get over it somehow, and when I see her I still feel something between pain and warmth in my heart.
It is/was a parental thing, while surprisingly I don't see my t as a parental figure at all, but more like a *teacher* or a guide.

I really relate to this I'm also more drawn to women who are more pushy and assertive, the relationships always have a professional quality. These women are most always emotionally unavailable. And I wind up pushing the boundaries because I want them to be available.

I'm also scared of women who are maternal, or at least I never really develop a strong bond with them. My T seems to think that I seek out women who are the exact opposite of my mother. That is women who have a tendency to over invest in me, but aren't emotionally available. We haven't really talked much about why I don't like maternal women though. I wish I knew, although I don't know if that would go any better.

I think that maybe one could consider the relationship I had with my female mentor (at secondary school, a mentor is your class' go-to for personal and educational problems) one of transference. She was very sweet and willing to do a lot for me. I loved her, but I couldn't rely on her because she couldn't give me the help I needed, so I relied on a fantasy that she did certain things, that she helped me and made me feel better, that she would do X if I did Y.. It wasn't very realistic, but it got me through a difficult time when I wasn't yet seeing a therapist.
I'm good at living in denial, by the way. So it isn't at all unusual for me to pretend something makes me feel better and then believe it.

However I didn't have many problems letting go of the fantasy. I don't love her anymore, but we haven't had contact in the last few years either. I do love the things she's done for me, and how she tried to help me. And she's still a role-model - someone I'd like to be, but know I'll never be.

Not sure if this is transference or not. I have never experienced transference with T's, although I have battled what one could probably call hostile transference with my Pdoc, but that's really just a fear and mistrust of doctors resulting in PTSD from medical torture.

I do have transference with most older adults, in two very different ways. It's just more intense and obvious in therapy.

Females: it's very motherly, and can also feel a little bit frightening or hostile.

Males: it's a mix between mild erotic, strong paternal, and extreme fear.

The ages of the people around me, as well as their attitudes affect what kinds and how much. But it's pretty much consistent that I have some sort of transference for those who are older than me.

I have transference issues with other women, particularly those I perceive to be around my own age. I'm particularly bad with teachers and moms (really not good as I'm a mom of school age kids). I'm literally terrified of them and this often comes off as hostility.