[UndeadMage]

OK, so here's my deal...I'm a man, 41, single, never married, hardly dated, unemployed, engineering college graduate, and on and on. I lived on my own from age 20 to 31, but since then have been living with my elderly parents. Graduated college in 1997. Worked for about 4 years in my field, got depressed lost my job, wallowed in self-pity and alcohol for a couple years, then moved back home. Wallowed in self-pity and alcohol for another 4 years then finally got a job at the Mega-Mart making very little. Held that job for 7 1/2 years until a female coworker came along, 20 years my junior, and F'ed me up royally. Had to get away from that whole deal. Quit drinking, tried a new job, lasted 3 weeks, had to quit because of terrible stress and anxiety. Currently 4 months unemployed, uninspired, depressed, lonely, hopeless, sober, and just plain tired.

My parents have been bugging me about finding a therapist for weeks. I know I need help. My problem is, I'm afraid of change. Also, I'm afraid to commit to anything like therapy, a new job, better self-care regimen, new relationships, etc. because I'm a pessimist and I believe I'll always fail. So I stick to sleeping from 6am to 2pm, going hours without eating, days without showering, hours playing video games and watching TV, and smoking too much and generally trying to avoid anything that might shake up my little routine. It sucks...I know it does. I'm not acting like an adult. I feel like I'm still 15.

How...HOW do I change? I need to want to change. I don't know how to get to that point. Maybe writing this is a step in the right direction?

So...therapy...I need some advice on what to look for...what type(s) of therapy would benefit me. What research I need to do on a particular therapist and how to go about doing it before I go. Yes, I know what a sentence fragment is. Caught you didn't I. More importantly though is what concerns should I just set aside that don't really matter so I can just pull the trigger on this thing and get my life back?

[glok]

Hello, UndeadMage.

Psychotherapy - Psych Central
Finding Low-Cost Psychotherapy
5 Things Not to Worry About in Therapy
6 Ways to Open Up and Talk in Therapy

[HazelGirl]

It sounds like you don't have motivation to change. What do you want out of life? How can you reach those goals?

This is all about mindset (it sounds like you already know that). You have to choose to change, and it's very hard at your age. You have been doing things this way your whole life, and things won't ever change unless you CHOOSE to change them. You're in control of your life and your destiny. It's time to start living like it.

[Salmon77]

Hey Mage--it does sound like you're very unsatisfied with things the way they are, but I know change is scary stuff especially when it seems like a lot of work. I don't have a ton of wisdom to offer other than for me, and I think for some others, starting therapy seemed like a big awful thing, and it is difficult at times, but it gets better and it can certainly be beneficial.

I've read good things about CBT for depression; I'm doing psychodynamic for whatever the hell is wrong with me. Good luck.

[elevatedsoul]

i just wanted to say i know how you feel although im a little younger, i too am staying with my dad

i have trouble going to therapy probably for the same reason you have trouble finding a therapist i think, my therapist uses CBT and something else i cant remember.... she' is very nice and understanding so its not this that causes problems for me but whatever that force is you mention... when i go it is worth it though!

i just wanted to let you know my side so that maybe it can help you find the courage to give therapy a try, sometimes its extremely helpful

writing here definitely is a step in the right direction

[Depletion]

Hi UndeadMage, welcome to Psychcenteral. You're right that going to therapy is a big step, and it can be very overwhelming just to think about going. I think what's important to remember that going to therapy is not as big of commitment as it might seem. Therapy is the place where people think that you go to tell your super big scary secrets, which is true in a way, but its not the whole deal, especially when you are first starting. When you first meet a therapist, it just like meeting another person, you get to know each other and get comfortable with one another first. So you might try thinking about is finding a person who you want to talk with, and that's the only commitment you're making--talking to another person.

Below are some links. The first one just discusses the basics of therapy. And the other one is a youtbe video from a therapist who is a modern psychoanalysis. I thought it might be helpful for you to just see a video of therapist talking so you can get comfortable with what a therapist might be like.

I thinks its great that you are taking this first step, I wish you well.

What is Therapy?

[coolibrarian]

You sound depressed. Depression causes lack of motivation. But doing nothing just feeds the depression. Maybe you need an antidepressant. They can help you feel better so that you'll want to try therapy.

[UndeadMage]

Originally Posted by Cherbiej

You sound depressed. Depression causes lack of motivation. But doing nothing just feeds the depression. Maybe you need an antidepressant. They can help you feel better so that you'll want to try therapy.

Oh, I've been on AD's since 1999. They didn't help me with what happened back in November with that girl and I never expected them to, that's not what they're for. What happened back in November just blew the top off the volcano of emotions I've been bottling up for...I really don't know how long and it wrecked me good. Yes, I am depressed. Have been for a long time.

[InRealLife45]

sounds like you are depressed. can you get a family member to schedule you an appointment and make sure you get to it? taking that first step will make a huge difference. sometimes you need a prod..or shove, to get moving. I know I did. I'm still sad a lot, but nothing to the degree when I was closer to what you are describing now. I hope you are able to get some help.

[UndeadMage]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

It sounds like you don't have motivation to change. What do you want out of life? How can you reach those goals?

This is all about mindset (it sounds like you already know that). You have to choose to change, and it's very hard at your age. You have been doing things this way your whole life, and things won't ever change unless you CHOOSE to change them. You're in control of your life and your destiny. It's time to start living like it.

Thanks, Hazel. I do have motivation to change. My parents won't be around forever and I can't support myself the way I am now. BUT...I'm a terrible procrastinator.

I don't know what I want out of life. I'm not sure I ever did know. I went to college because I'm smart and because that's what everyone expected me to do. I can't remember ever really wanting to design or engineer something, I just went to school because I could understand those types of things. Then when I graduated I thought "OK, I'm finished! Now give me a nice fun job where every day isn't a drag . Oh, and a nice fat paycheck so I can buy a home theater system and blast my favorite action movies!" But I never found anyone to share those movies with. And every day was a drag. So Bud Light became my girlfriend and well...you know the rest.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by UndeadMage

Thanks, Hazel. I do have motivation to change. My parents won't be around forever and I can't support myself the way I am now. BUT...I'm a terrible procrastinator.

I don't know what I want out of life. I'm not sure I ever did know. I went to college because I'm smart and because that's what everyone expected me to do. I can't remember ever really wanting to design or engineer something, I just went to school because I could understand those types of things. Then when I graduated I thought "OK, I'm finished! Now give me a nice fun job where every day isn't a drag . Oh, and a nice fat paycheck so I can buy a home theater system and blast my favorite action movies!" But I never found anyone to share those movies with. And every day was a drag. So Bud Light became my girlfriend and well...you know the rest.

Maybe your priorities are off? Maybe life isn't about the big paycheck and the nice toys? Maybe it's about something more?

I believe we all have a purpose. What is it you enjoy? What are you passionate about? What do you care about? How can you make a difference in this world?

And maybe you don't have a girlfriend, but you can find fulfilling relationships with friends. Do you have friends? That might be a good place to start. Life changes a lot when you have others whom you can reflect on yourself with.

Which leads back to therapy.

Really it's not that complicated. It's scary, but not difficult.

Step 1: Call a therapist
Step 2: Show up

That's really it. She/he will help you take it from there and figure out what's going on and how you can best change your life.

[growlycat]

I definitely recommend therapy---and I highly recommend meeting with several T's to see which one "feels right". The relationship can be more important than the style of therapy.

I have found that CBT therapy is great for rapid changes that are easy to manage. Faster results can be very motivating!!

One thing can snowball into a lot of other positive things. Personally, I went through a long stretch of unemployment and volunteering helped me stay among the living and stay active. Anything that gets you out of the house is worth doing. My worse days were the ones indoors, alone at the computer.

Maybe get a physical too and have someone reassess your meds? After a yr or 2 I find my usual drugs less effective.

I hope you can get some relief from the pain. It isn't fun, I know.

[growlycat]

ps it's ok to fail. I wish someone had told me that when I was younger!!
Just keep getting back up