[ScarletPimpernel]

***TRIGGER WARNING FOR SI AND SUI***

I'm just looking for support. Please no criticism, please!

I have had the worst 24hrs I've had in a long time...

So currently I'm dealing with: my mom having major surgery, my little sister (who caused most of my childhood trauma) come back into my life, my grandma in-law is being sued for $1 million, my fiance's job is illegal taking advantage of him, to save my dog's life she might require medication that can kill her, health issues, other life issues, finding a DBT group (not looking forward to going), fighting insurance (to the point I got state officials involved), and to top it all off, my T's vacation soon.

So I had a miscommunication with my T on Tuesday which led to sui thoughts. I cried for 5 1/2 hrs straight. I took Ativan, didn't work. Called a crisis line: they told me I didn't need professional help, to call the Warm Line, and distract myself with a funny movie... I emailed my T (failed at being clear). Left a msg for my T (somehow it was cut off after 10secs). Gave up and SI'ed. Fiance called T, talked to T for 20mins, was okay.

Wednesday I was okay.

Thursday...life came crashing down. Had sui thoughts. Thought I would SI to calm myself...big mistake. I took it way too far. Emailed my T ( because I'm supposed to be honest).

Today...saw Pdoc. T "tattle-tailed" on me (was going to tell Pdoc about SI anyways). Pdoc asked to see the SI. Said it was bad. That I was close to hitting the artery and should have gotten stitches. She said she should hospitalize me, but felt that maintaining a trusting relationship with me at this point was extremely important.

Pdoc also said she wants me to distance myself from T because she thinks my attachment issues are interfering with my treatment.

Pdoc asked a doctor to look at the SI. It was a male doc so she also had a female nurse accompany me. Doc said it was too late for stitches...

To sum it up: I'm a failure, over-dependent, stupid, and suicidal. I have been fighting like crazy for the last 8 months to keep my T...still fighting...and now I'm supposed to distance myself from her?!?! And to top it all off, I was completely humiliated today because not only did 3 people see my SI and a part of my body I consider private, but one of those people was a male and I had to let touch me!

I do want to live, but I'm seriously exhausted. It's sad when your Pdoc gives you permission to take 2 Ativan to completely knock yourself out just so you can survive, and you have to warn people that you are taking a "long nap" because the dose is so high that they might think you overdosed. It's difficult convincing yourself to keep going when things keep piling up. Then again, I must accept the consequences of my own actions

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

***TRIGGER WARNING FOR SI AND SUI***

I'm just looking for support. Please no criticism, please!

I have had the worst 24hrs I've had in a long time...

So currently I'm dealing with: my mom having major surgery, my little sister (who caused most of my childhood trauma) come back into my life, my grandma in-law is being sued for $1 million, my fiance's job is illegal taking advantage of him, to save my dog's life she might require medication that can kill her, health issues, other life issues, finding a DBT group (not looking forward to going), fighting insurance (to the point I got state officials involved), and to top it all off, my T's vacation soon.

So I had a miscommunication with my T on Tuesday which led to sui thoughts. I cried for 5 1/2 hrs straight. I took Ativan, didn't work. Called a crisis line: they told me I didn't need professional help, to call the Warm Line, and distract myself with a funny movie... I emailed my T (failed at being clear). Left a msg for my T (somehow it was cut off after 10secs). Gave up and SI'ed. Fiance called T, talked to T for 20mins, was okay.

Wednesday I was okay.

Thursday...life came crashing down. Had sui thoughts. Thought I would SI to calm myself...big mistake. I took it way too far. Emailed my T ( because I'm supposed to be honest).

Today...saw Pdoc. T "tattle-tailed" on me (was going to tell Pdoc about SI anyways). Pdoc asked to see the SI. Said it was bad. That I was close to hitting the artery and should have gotten stitches. She said she should hospitalize me, but felt that maintaining a trusting relationship with me at this point was extremely important.

Pdoc also said she wants me to distance myself from T because she thinks my attachment issues are interfering with my treatment.

Pdoc asked a doctor to look at the SI. It was a male doc so she also had a female nurse accompany me. Doc said it was too late for stitches...

To sum it up: I'm a failure, over-dependent, stupid, and suicidal. I have been fighting like crazy for the last 8 months to keep my T...still fighting...and now I'm supposed to distance myself from her?!?! And to top it all off, I was completely humiliated today because not only did 3 people see my SI and a part of my body I consider private, but one of those people was a male and I had to let touch me!

I do want to live, but I'm seriously exhausted. It's sad when your Pdoc gives you permission to take 2 Ativan to completely knock yourself out just so you can survive, and you have to warn people that you are taking a "long nap" because the dose is so high that they might think you overdosed. It's difficult convincing yourself to keep going when things keep piling up. Then again, I must accept the consequences of my own actions

Feels almost like I am reading my own story, only for me it was xanax, and instead of SI I managed to destroy a lot of glass in the ally, but I really wanted to SI.

I am sorry you are going through this and I hope you can find a balance. My T made me some mindfulness recordings that help...I can send you a link to them if you like? Theyre good to do when you cant stop crying or when youre trying to resist SI.

[guilloche]

I'm sorry you're going through this too... honestly, the stuff you described... even just a tiny portion of it, would easily be enough to overwhelm *anyone*. This isn't anything wrong with you - it's just a whole, huge bucketload of crap all happening at the same time...

I wish I had some great advice for you... Do *you* think your relationship with T is increasing your stress, or relieving it? If it's helping... I wonder if Pdoc would be ok with tabling the discussion of distance until you're able to get some of the other things out of the way. It doesn't make sense to me to start messing around with your support system in the middle of this... it's like pdoc saying, "hey, let's go out in the middle of the tornado to replace your roof" - uh, just no.

Hang in there... and please do what you can to stay safe... *hugs*

[stopdog]

I hope things turn around soon.

[growlycat]

It sounds overwhelming -- I'm glad you have a pdoc who earns your trust, though.
Take care of yourself as much as you are able.

[sweepy62]

Hoping you are safe now. I have struggled with the same thoughts and behavior in the past. I can relate its a turmoil . I'm hoping you can use some skills so you won't harm yourself again. Hugs.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Do *you* think your relationship with T is increasing your stress, or relieving it? If it's helping... I wonder if Pdoc would be ok with tabling the discussion of distance until you're able to get some of the other things out of the way.

I'm in a "catch 22" situation. My relationship with my T is BOTH increasing and relieving my stress. If I could remove all the stressors that are diectly affecting my relationship with T, I think T and I have a very solid healthy relationship. But when you have extreme fears of abandonment, insurance constantly asking for proof that therapy is medically necessary, T going on vacation in the middle of it all, and now Pdoc suggesting distance to T; the only thing happening is me freaking out/breaking down and clinging for dear life to T. For the last several months, my sessions consist of 30mins talking about something related to insurance, and 15mins checking in. Here I am trying to get better and the insurance is making everything worse! That's why I feel suicidal: do I just give up on therapy? Do I wear myself out fighting insurance for therapy? Both aren't healthy options. I need to be in therapy and the problem with insurance is going to affect any therapist I see

The only good thing about the insurance: I got the state involved. Now a specific person is reviewing my case, and the heads of both my insurances will have a meeting...solely about my case. So maybe, just maybe, the b.s. with my insurance will be over soon.

My Pdoc did stop talking to me about distancing myself from T after I started to cry. She asked my permission to keep bringing it up at other times. I said she could so long as I have the option to shutdown the conversation when it gets to be too much. My Pdoc agreed that now is not the right time for distance, but then again there will never be a "right" time for it.

*As an added note (which might seem odd): my T and Pdoc actually like and respect each other, and are constantly communicating with each other. They just are strong, smart, opinionated women who have slightly different opinions. But I know they both have only the best intentions for me and my treatment.

[CantExplain]

Hi Scarlett.
You are not a failure. None of what your family (including pets ) is doing or suffering is your fault.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Hoping you are safe now. I have struggled with the same thoughts and behavior in the past. I can relate its a turmoil . I'm hoping you can use some skills so you won't harm yourself again.

Thank you

I feel pretty safe for now. Still have "thoughts", but I think yesterday scared me and wore me out so much that I'm just focusing on resting and relaxing.

My fiance (of 8 1/2 yrs) FINALLY gets the severity of my mental health. In the past, he used to actually support my SI (the superficial type). Even when I showed him the latest, his response was: "Oh, that's not that bad." Until he heard what the doctor said yesterday... Now he's telling me not to SI. So he's keeping an eye on me too now.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I'm in a "catch 22" situation. My relationship with my T is BOTH increasing and relieving my stress. If I could remove all the stressors that are diectly affecting my relationship with T, I think T and I have a very solid healthy relationship. But when you have extreme fears of abandonment, insurance constantly asking for proof that therapy is medically necessary, T going on vacation in the middle of it all, and now Pdoc suggesting distance to T; the only thing happening is me freaking out/breaking down and clinging for dear life to T. For the last several months, my sessions consist of 30mins talking about something related to insurance, and 15mins checking in. Here I am trying to get better and the insurance is making everything worse! That's why I feel suicidal: do I just give up on therapy? Do I wear myself out fighting insurance for therapy? Both aren't healthy options. I need to be in therapy and the problem with insurance is going to affect any therapist I see

The only good thing about the insurance: I got the state involved. Now a specific person is reviewing my case, and the heads of both my insurances will have a meeting...solely about my case. So maybe, just maybe, the b.s. with my insurance will be over soon.

My Pdoc did stop talking to me about distancing myself from T after I started to cry. She asked my permission to keep bringing it up at other times. I said she could so long as I have the option to shutdown the conversation when it gets to be too much. My Pdoc agreed that now is not the right time for distance, but then again there will never be a "right" time for it.

*As an added note (which might seem odd): my T and Pdoc actually like and respect each other, and are constantly communicating with each other. They just are strong, smart, opinionated women who have slightly different opinions. But I know they both have only the best intentions for me and my treatment.

can I ask what insurance company you have? I went through a similar (not the same, though) fight for my T...she's gotten them to approve 2x a week sessions bc I'm chronically suicidal, and even then they always fight her on it, but they still approve it each time. Most recently she opted out of medicare so they terminated her contract and told me to get a new T, but I fought them and ultimately won 7 additional months of them still paying her (I think the bulk of next year up to June will be on me), but now I have the next 6 months to save up for it.

They CAN be fought. Have you tried legal aid, too? I got them involved (didn't end up needing them) but a lot of times just them knowing that you have a lawyer involved can light a fire under their butts.

Any chance you've been hospitalized at all lately for your suicidal thoughts? It really factors into them deciding to approve or deny your sessions.

What level of appeal are you at? State hearing?

Mine is still at level one (got 6 months out of it), but I think its bc I attended their board meeting and spoke directly to the CEO about it. Can you go to a board meeting?

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Hi Scarlett.
You are not a failure. None of what your family (including pets ) is doing or suffering is your fault.

Ty CE

I just feel like I am a failure because I feel like I should be handling everything better. I've been through worse than this. I was homeless 14 yrs ago and had absolutely nothing and no one. I now have doctors, family, a roof over my head, dogs...even these forums. I'm told all the time how smart or how aware I am. It make me wonder if I'm so smart and aware then shouldn't I be coping better?

Just a few months ago, I was fine...struggling but moving forward. Now I feel like my life is crumbling around me and I have nothing to hold on to.

I'm just hoping that this is the bottom of the "roller coaster" and I get to go back up after this...

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

can I ask what insurance company you have? I went through a similar (not the same, though) fight for my T...she's gotten them to approve 2x a week sessions bc I'm chronically suicidal, and even then they always fight her on it, but they still approve it each time. Most recently she opted out of medicare so they terminated her contract and told me to get a new T, but I fought them and ultimately won 7 additional months of them still paying her (I think the bulk of next year up to June will be on me), but now I have the next 6 months to save up for it.

They CAN be fought. Have you tried legal aid, too? I got them involved (didn't end up needing them) but a lot of times just them knowing that you have a lawyer involved can light a fire under their butts.

Any chance you've been hospitalized at all lately for your suicidal thoughts? It really factors into them deciding to approve or deny your sessions.

What level of appeal are you at? State hearing?

Mine is still at level one (got 6 months out of it), but I think its bc I attended their board meeting and spoke directly to the CEO about it. Can you go to a board meeting?

I have 3 insurances basically. The main is Medi-Cal (CA's Medicaid). I do not have MediCare. I then have Care1st for my managed care. And then, for therapy in San Diego, Optum is the managed care. Medi-Cal and Care1st are in support of long-term therapy. Optum is not.

So to continue with my T I will either have to pay out of pocket, pay for private insurance, or fight Optum. Right now, I'm fighting Optum.

Optum is being a pain in the ***. They aren't actually denying me yet. They are threatening and stalling approvals, so I can't actually go through the appeal process yet. I do have an advocate/legal aide already, but she can't do anything yet either. I contacted a senator, and she got me an obudsman on my case.

The problem isn't whether I qualify for long-term therapy. The problem is that no one can decide who pays for the bill. State or County? Medi-Cal or Optum? According to my Pdoc, I'm not the only one getting stuck in this debate.

But because I have contacted so many people and organizations, have completely researched and proven that there's a lack of mental health services in my area (especially any that fits my needs)... the head of Medi-Cal and the head of Optum are going to have a meeting, just those two, solely about my case.

Sometimes it's a good thing to annoy people. I do, however, feel sorry for all the staff at Optum who wound up getting contacted by all the state officials.

But I'm also happy I already put all the work into fighting them because I definitely don't have the strength to do it now.

I do have enough evidence (more than enough) to prove to the insurance I need therapy. But no, I haven't been hospitalized recently. I haven't been an inpatient for mental health for 14 yrs. I was at a crisis house about 6 months ago.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I have 3 insurances basically. The main is Medi-Cal (CA's Medicaid). I do not have MediCare. I then have Care1st for my managed care. And then, for therapy in San Diego, Optum is the managed care. Medi-Cal and Care1st are in support of long-term therapy. Optum is not.

So to continue with my T I will either have to pay out of pocket, pay for private insurance, or fight Optum. Right now, I'm fighting Optum.

Optum is being a pain in the ***. They aren't actually denying me yet. They are threatening and stalling approvals, so I can't actually go through the appeal process yet. I do have an advocate/legal aide already, but she can't do anything yet either. I contacted a senator, and she got me an obudsman on my case.

The problem isn't whether I qualify for long-term therapy. The problem is that no one can decide who pays for the bill. State or County? Medi-Cal or Optum? According to my Pdoc, I'm not the only one getting stuck in this debate.

But because I have contacted so many people and organizations, have completely researched and proven that there's a lack of mental health services in my area (especially any that fits my needs)... the head of Medi-Cal and the head of Optum are going to have a meeting, just those two, solely about my case.

Sometimes it's a good thing to annoy people. I do, however, feel sorry for all the staff at Optum who wound up getting contacted by all the state officials.

But I'm also happy I already put all the work into fighting them because I definitely don't have the strength to do it now.

I do have enough evidence (more than enough) to prove to the insurance I need therapy. But no, I haven't been hospitalized recently. I haven't been an inpatient for mental health for 14 yrs. I was at a crisis house about 6 months ago.

I almost went to one of those crisis houses in San Diego but chickened out. How was it?

I didn't realize the county insurance varies so drastically by county, because I have never even heard of optum or care1st. But you are absolutely right-you only get what you need when people who make decisions are annoyed enough to pay attention.

Who has been paying the bill historically? Optum? Seems clear they should still be paying if all they do is behavioral health.

But seriously THEY DID THE SAME THING TO ME refusing to send me written denial letters in order for me to appeal them. So I filed a grievance instead, which they first tried to "resolve" by giving me ten sessions to be used from july 3rd to august 3rd, and by the end of that time I was to have selected an alternate provider.

I said yes and then contacted a lawyer, went to speak to the board and CEO at their meeting, and then told them on the phone thank you ever so much for the ten sessions, but when they expire I am only goibg to be escalating it to the next level (as long as the decision is under appeal/grievance they have to continue services based on Cal medi connect policy) "continuity of care" was a huge factor in deciding my case, so maybe it will help you too? I have been with T for over two years, and have solidly establised instability with frequent hospitalizations when my sessions are interrupted extensively (ie three week holidays).

I think I just got lucky, though. My T was flabbergasted they granted me 6 months (48 sessions) AS AN OPTED OUT PROVIDER, but said it it had been county they would never have done it. The only thing I dont like is they wont let me spread them out the way I want (one per week for the entire next 12 months) vs continuing my current schedule of 2x a week for 6 months then either nothing or battle again from january to june.

Medi-cal (before obama care) would NEVER EVER pay for adult therapy. I didn't get therapy until my SSI insurance kicked in. So the fact they're paying now (via optum?) is amazing, but it means I don't know any tricks to help at that level :-( You've already filed a grievance, I assume, since you can't file an appeal (they love saying things on the phone and never putting it into writing) And lack of ability to file an appeal is what led you jump those steps and call a hearing. And somewhere in the middle get this meeting arranged.

I think you've done a fine job poking them in the butt with a hot stick.

I really hope it works out in your favor.

Have you had to reduce your T sessions bc of this? Or are they continuing while they duke it out?