Lies I've Told During Therapy

Compulsive lying is a behavior that expresses some psychological conflict. There's no difference between the intention of this behavior and any other dysfunctional behavior that seeks to meet a need, whether it's an eating disorder, self-harm, an addiction, etc. I don't hear anyone issuing moral condemnations about EDs.

I would expect your T to see any willingness on your part to reveal this as a huge step towards trust and progress. There is clearly pain driving this behavior. How often have I read on this forum of posters doubting that their pain is big enough to deserve their T's time and attention? And how many of those posters act on that doubt by pushing their Ts away, avoiding sessions, instigating ruptures, any number of behaviors to avoid confronting the pain itself? It's the flip side of the same coin. Inventing bigger pain to be worthy of attention can also be a way of avoiding confronting the real pain.

Darling, darling, darling. First things first - .

Though not to your extent, and not with T - I have been in your shoes before. I created this whole false world and struggled to get out of it and honestly, it plays a big part in why I am in T now. When I first told her about it, though we haven't gone into much detail (because its too hard for me to face the shame) I remember having to catch myself when trying to tell her the truth. I totally understand the concept of those false memories becoming real enough to make you question even yourself.

I think you are bold for posting your story here and that no one has the right to judge you. You recognize that your actions were made in error and you want to fix it; that's a biiiig first step!

Part of me wants to believe that your T has an idea that something of what you say is off - even if they don't know the whole story or what parts. But, she very well may not. If she doesn't suspect it, I think that in finding out the truth, she could be a bit hurt (feeling bamboozled, lied to, etc.) and honestly those things are not always reparable. However, I think a competent T would not make you feel guilty about it, but instead would handle their own feelings outside of session and/or refer you to someone who is less involved if she could not.

The thing about the term 'attention seeking', imo, is that it's not as important that the person wants "attention" as it is the reason for needing that attention. T has helped me to accept that the term 'attention seeking', though it has a stigma attached to it, is only really a symptom of a much greater issue. And it's okay. We are humans and we need attention, human contact and connection. Sometimes we don't make the most healthy behavior choices to get that, but it is a need instilled in all of us - and I never really wanted to recognize the fact that I needed anyone or anything.

I have the same feelings that you have, but I can tell you the same thing my T tells me because I believe it. You are not a bad person. You are not the things you do.It's a hard thing to internalize but it's true. We all have good/bad qualities and it's easier to accept the bad parts sometimes, than the good but it doesn't make us any less than everything we are.

I guess I can empathize because I've been where you are and I really just want to tell you that it's okay. The first step was being honest with yourself, and the next is being honest with either your T or another T who can help you find the way out of the world you've created and into the present.

I often deny that I'm suicidal at times.

I would never tell the therapist or anyone else about current suicidal thoughts. I never tell them more than I am willing to risk.

I think the urge to lie/act out to obtain attention is 100% worthy of a T's time. It's not taking time away from anyone else.

Dear MississippiRiver,

It must have taken immense bravery to post this. Thank you for modelling being honest with oneself and others. I think you will find you will not require fantasy once you have created a life that is more meaningful to you. Your imagination can be used to work for you in this endeavour.

Thank you everyone for responding. I'm very surprised over a lot of the posts. Surprised of the support actually & that maybe I'm not the scum of the earth I thought I was...maybe I am.
I can say I'm considering telling my T. Basically copying what's here & sending it to her bec I could never face her. I don't think I could go back to her anymore...not that she'd want me either. I'd be happy w/a list of referrals & a "good luck" signature & possibly start the hunt for a T all over again. Honestly that's getting old. I know I'd just quit altogether probably...maybe not...I don't know. Having trouble thinking clearly. What I'd like to do is just run. Run away from responsibility, life & any commitments I've made. Say goodbye to everyone & take off...maybe to b found in a Ditch somewhere & my partner saying again, "you've been suicidal since I've met you. Maybe it's time for you to move on."
That's 25 yrs ago. It's always an option on the table. I don't think that feeling will ever go away bec I've had it for so long.
I'm really not sure what to do. I guess think some more about it & maybe bite the bullet. What do I have to lose besides my dignity.
Thank you for responding. You have no idea how valuable all these opinions are to me! Thanks!

missisippiriver I have been reading and am amazed at your honesty here. that had to be so hard but a relief at the same time I hope. I think if you gave your T a chance and I don't mean by just telling her the truth but to do so .maybe in an e-mail and then to continue seeing her and not run away from it .maybe then you will be able to work on these SU feeling that you have had for so long . give yourself a chance .

First of all, anyone who comes here with a truth should be shown respect, as everyone here has gifted you with so far.

I have come to realize my (vast) experience with lying was another form of the mind "going away" or creating an alternate truth because CSA cannot be withstood. I am very well-practiced in creating a fantasy life that I now see caused a major rift in my, let's call it, personality. To be in another place takes time, practice, exercise and commitment.

As an adult, I have never blamed my abuser for my actions, whether lying, drinking to excess or promiscuity, all years ago now. Lying is, in fact, our first lesson from abuse, both to cover and to cope. And the more drama the better to play down the trauma.

It doesn't automatically end when the abuse does. It's learned over time. It is so much less about deceit and more about regaining trust with humans. Once betrayed, it takes a long time and a host of better experiences to be able serve one's self up, along with your naked emotions, to others.

A departure from reality is a defense mechanism that is just not the same as malicious lies. However, honesty makes you more whole and treatment more effective. And those two things are what we seek, right?

I just wanted to remark upon this because I feel like it needs to be addressed. As I understand it, it is not the patient's responsibility to worry about other patients and their respective problems. Each patient is entitled to equal care and equal attention from the therapist and if they don't receive that, it is not the fault of someone who elects to spend their session telling truth, lies, or fabricated life stories lifted from Peter Cottontail. It is your therapist's shortcoming and their inability to be present with whatever client they're working with. Everyone's time is precious.

OP, I hope you are able to resolve your mental torment, whether that be a result of coming clean to your therapist and letting her help you process it or forgiving yourself and moving past it.

Well, at least your very creative.
I use to write short stories awhile back.
Wish it was really about me in the stories.
I may have exaggerated sometimes, but I can't think if I ever lied to my T..??

As the saying goes "Don't believe everything you hear, and only believe half of what you see".

Roimata & others. I wanted to apologize for my remarks. Esp to you MississippiRiver.
I'm in an angry place bec I too seek attention & time w/my T. In the past month I've had 2 appt cancelled from my T w/in 15min of the set time bec of "emergencies". No I don't know what their about but I just get angry about it & didn't mean to take it out here so I apologize. My teen age parts are acting out too. Waaaa for me lol.
Sorry

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I want to echo those who commented you for posting a brave and honest thread.

I don't think you are a bad person! I think you need to discover more about why you feel the need to lie and what wound/s it's coming from. I don't believe you can do anything "wrong" in therapy, your job is just to bring yourself. You can decide you wish to change things, you may be unhappy with how they've gone, but it's not about doing something "bad".

I used to think I was making stuff up. Turned out half of it was true and I'd convinced myself it wasn't. I would never judge anyone who lied. If you feel you need to make up stories to get attention, maybe you really badly need and deserve that attention and just don't know how else to get it. That's something for you and your T to discover together, when you are ready.

And I don't like it when people claim to speak on behalf of everyone.

Your T is there for you. And that includes your wounds and your lies. Not part of you, all of you. Your attachment isn't based on lies, as someone else said. Your attachment is based on two human beings in a room and the energy between them. What you say is but one small part.

When you came to therapy you needed to lie. Part of your T's job is to understand and accept your defences and adaptations as they are how you have survived your life. A good T shouldn't take it personally or judge if you have lied. They should simply be interested in the fact that you want to work through it.

Therapy is for people who want it, whether they lie or not.

We all tell the truths we need to tell at a given time. I hope you can talk to your T.

I hope you do send this thread to your therapist.

You're not a horrible person. This is just a symptom you have, and like all symptoms, it's had a big effect on your life. Symptoms can be treated, though, and I think what you've written here is a big step to being able to treat it.

I can't say it will be easy. Honestly, in your shoes, I'd be scared witless. It will probably impact your relationship with your therapist, but with a good t and honesty and time, your relationship could be a lot stronger for it, and you can get the help and attention that you need for the honest you. The honest you is worth attention and care, too.

Patagonia
I totally understand those foot stomping, raging teen age parts that constantly feel like their getting cheated.
Thank you

Yes I am scared witless. I've played w/fire & now getting burned. Just up in smoke.

Hi Mississippiriver, I wanted to reply to your thread because I can relate so I wanted to let you know you're not alone in this. I too told my ex-t a whopping lie, a traumatic story, and it even involved the authorities. I understand how there is a lot of shame surrounding it, because there is a lot of anger directed towards those who tell a lie regarding abuse, and I understand how it does not help anyone, especially actual survivors who may have had a hard time getting someone to believe them and what they went through. I'm being very vague about the details of my story on purpose, but I can tell you, it was a long time ago, and I've had a lot of time in between the actual telling of the lie, and then now to reflect on the reasons and why I might have done it.

Here's what I came up with:

I really needed my t (at the time) to care for me. I needed his care so much and so specifically, I would have done anything because he was such a safe person, I immediately sensed this on some level, and I desperately needed him on my side. I also think that as an impressionable teen, when he said - if you tell me anything about abuse, neglect, or exploitation, I will have to report it - that is when it put the idea in my head to tell this story, this lie. It is my fault for lying, I know this, all I'm saying is that in the chain of events and reactions, he said if you tell me something like this, I will need to report it, and I decided to tell him something like this (if that makes sense) - one thing led to another.

Another thing, I was in impatient for attempted suicide. I did not feel I had a good reason for trying to take my own life, so I made one up. I think many t's want to get to the bottom or cause of current behaviors, and for most of what they are looking for is some kind of abuse being the cause.

I did NOT tell my t at the time about ways my mother had been abusive (so I protected her), and I also did not talk about my best friends brother and things that went on there (protecting my friend). Instead, I told about another person who I didn't know well enough, didn't even know his name, so it was made up and I think I knew that they wouldn't track him down or look into it too much. I think they all probably knew I was telling a lie, when they asked if I wanted to press charges and I said no. I said no because of course it was not true. If it were true, I'm sure someone would have convinced me to press charges for the thing that happened (which didn't actually happen but if it had actually happend it would have been a crime I think).

Another thing - years later, after I finally confessed to my mom that it was a lie, she said she knew all along. She said she hadn't felt right about it when I told her and that she just knew she would have reacted differently if I actually had had that happen to me. Of course, I was thinking, why didn't she say anything at the time if she is so damn psychically attuned to me, why not bring it out in the open and actually communicate, but no. Silence from her. Not that it matters or it is her fault because it is not, just makes me mad that she always seems to know the answers and the things that really went on yet she never did anything or said anything.

I also want to add that I eventually (two years ago) confessed to my ex-t that it was a lie and a made up story. He said it made sense though. I tried to ask him what he meant by that in an email but he never got back to me (busy helping those who actually have things that need his help and care more - like Patagonia said I guess). I also kept mentioning it in emails that I was sorry I lied and I didn't know why I did except that I desperately needed his love and care. He said that honestly, he moved on the moment I told him, and that things happen, and that he has yet to meet a person who hasn't told a story or two. So he was very understanding at least to me, I have no idea what it meant to him personally but he says he doesn't take things personally. This is good because it really wan't anything about him and I didn't do it to hurt anybody.

Sorry this is a long post I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, that in time it will be ok, and you will know when the time is right to tell others that it was a lie and not true.

I still struggle with the shame around it, and because of this feel a part of me is bad and defective. ANd Not worthy of care, etc. But in time, working with a new t, maybe I will get to the bottom of why I did tell that story. Or maybe I already have gotten to the bottom of it and there's nothing more to tell. That's where I'm at now, but it has taken years. I send you encouragement and thank you for your bravery in sharing here. Big hugs if you want them.

I, too, told a big lie to my therapist.

It started with a misunderstanding. My friend was asking me about my mom's past. I told her: "I know her mom abused her and I think her dad did too". Too, that simple little word. My friend though it meant that my dad abused me like my mom's dad abused her, but I didn't realize it at that moment.

Soon after, I started seeing a T. My friend told my T that my dad abused me!?!? I tried correcting it. My friend said I was lying because I was ashamed. My T said that if my dad (or someone else) didn't abuse me, then I didn't have BPD and was faking everything. I was homeless at the time and thought I would lose the resources I had left. So I accepted the lie.

My T then started to push me to open up about the abuse... I had another issue I was ashamed to admit to, so I blamed it on the supposed abuse from my dad.

It all turned into a mess. My dad was reported to child protected services and almost lost custody of my little sister. I had to write a letter to the court saying my dad never abused me...

I learned my lesson about lying, how something so little as "too" can set you off on the wrong course. I never explained what happened to my family. I never was able to tell the truth to my friend. I did tell the truth to my T the last time I saw her for therapy. She said that it explained a lot, but she also understood why I went ahead and continued the lie.

You are definitely not alone in this.

I know people have posted some excellent comments, but I wanted to give you my 2 cents.

Since you have not harmed anyone, I do not think you have a reason to feel guilty, that being said, I understand why you would feel guilt and shame, so I think it is important for you to cope with those feelings rather than try to push them away.

What specific thing is triggering guilt/shame? What if someone else had written what you wrote and you were just a forum member, how would you react? etc.

I think the key is to think about: 1) what drives the behavior (which appears to be a craving for love, attention, compassion, feeling special, and what I think is central, getting a strong, human reaction from another person - the T). And also, 2) what are the consequences? That is, for a behavior to be maintained it has to be reinforced.

While a therapist should be completely understanding of your situation and be willing to work on you regarding the lying, it's important to understand that your T is human and will, to some extent, feel distress should you choose to disclose. This is NOT to discourage you from disclosing things to her, but it's important to be ready for your T to at least express a lot of confusion and concern.

A good way to ease into things would be to say something about how you crave compassion so much, that sometimes you exaggerate/embellish stories from your past...then take it from there based on how she reacts. You can then decide whether you want to come 100% clean, or just clarify certain facts. It's really up to you, it does not have to be an all-or-none.

Anyway, while I have not been in your exact situation, I do find myself embellishing my stories a little bit. Perhaps magnifying their negative impact. I've thought about it and I think I am so attuned to my therapist during session that I am reinforced by eliciting certain reactions from her. When I express "hurt", she gets this wrinkle on her forehead and looks at me in a way that I find rewarding. She also appears more engaged and starts asking proving questions. I also like feeling like I make an impression on her.

Not sure if it's the same for you.

I've done everything to push my T away. I would t sign a safety contract which ended up w/me leaving for a bit. I've told her I've wanted to quit several times & have asked for us to take breaks. I've missed an appt or 2 I think hoping she'd let me go. I seem to set my fences higher as soon as I enter that room. I don't wanto be touched by her or make eye contact. I'm quiet, sullen & get tongue tied. I've tried everything to fight this. So maybe this'll be my swan song & she'll finally say she can't handle my theatrics anymore & let me go. Maybe this rupture is to wide to try & recover from. I just don't think I can do it.

On the contrary, I don't think she'd quit after finally getting through to you.

Mississippi - I get why you feel like never going back, but I really hope you will consider sending it to her and then showing up again. It will be scary, but this would be prime therapy stuff to discuss, and real therapy is never pretty. None of us go in to therapy saints and/or remain saints. The whole reason people end up in therapy is because they have issues. I think you are just in a place where all you see is your mistakes but you cant see the compassion you should have for yourself or any positive things. If your therapist wanted to axe you she easily could, but I think if you had this discussion with her you would be able to tell by talking to her whether she wants to or not, but I actually think you'll be very surprised by her reaction, and what comes of it. It is a risk, but you really have nothing to lose, and A LOT to potentially gain.

All she may want to do is process why and work through why you lied and get to the root of the starvation for attention . We all need attention. It took alot of courage to post your story here. For that I am validating you and I hope you work through your situation .

The worse that will happen is she will refer you, but she has vested time in you, so a good t would want to work through this and start over with the truth, the real you.

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Could you tell your T that because your having trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality you think you may be blending them when talking to her?

I've struggled with eating disorders for close to 35 years and people DO make awful moral condemnations.

OP, I hope you can find some peace about this. I do not think you are a bad person, just a very hurt person.