[DiWade68]

I recently started taking my niece and daughter to a psychotherapist - just had our second session yesterday. The first session went really well and I was very impressed with the therapist. However, during yesterday's session, we were discussing my niece and a letter she wrote to her father (my husband and I have custody of my niece at this point - her father is in jail). I explained that her initial letter was very short with not much of anything in the letter. So, I asked her to rewrite the letter and gave her some suggestions on what she could write about (she asked me for suggestions). The therapist basically reprimanded me in front of my niece and daughter and told me that I was making her letter writing more like work. I tried to explain to her that I was only trying to help her write a more meaningful letter and that my niece had actually asked me for suggestions. The therapist continued to interrupt me and argue with me stating that the letter was not from my niece but from me. I was flabbergasted at her reaction, so immediately shut down and did not say a whole lot more during the entire session. She did acknowledgment my displeasure by asking me out into the hall for a 'word'. She never apologized, just let me know she knew I was upset. I tried again to explain I was only trying to help my niece (she did not have a pleasant upbringing) and was not trying to create work for her. At any rate, I am not sure if we should go back - my daughter now refuses to talk with her for fear she will humiliate her as well. Is this normal behavior for a psychotherapist???

Very frustrated,
Diana

[Puglife]

I can understand the therapist wanting the letter to be completely your niece's own thoughts and feelings. Even though you were just trying to help, your niece should learn how to communicate her feelings to her father on her own. However, a therapist should not have shamed you either. I would try at least one more session to see how it goes.

Just curious if this is family therapy since all 3 of you are in the room together?

[stopdog]

If it is family therapy or therapy for you, I would not go back. If it is therapy for your niece, I would let the niece go if she felt comfortable. Are these young children or teenagers or somewhere in between?

[NowhereUSA]

i see the t's point. children are susceptible to wanting to please adults and so having the first letter is probably far more helpful than the letter you, with good intentions, assisted her with.

that said, the t needed to not shame you. that would have been a better conversation maybe afterward? like 'hey, i know you're trying to help, but i do need to see what she does even if it's not much.' it makes sense your daughter is scared.

idk. how old is your niece? the t's reaction seems a bit dodgy for me. i wouldn't be comfortable putting my kid or anyone's kid alone with a t that is willing to risk 'safe spaces' for whatever the crap he was going for. i'd probably start looking for another t - two sessions is an easy enough time to make a switch.

[HazelGirl]

If your daughter isn't comfortable, and you aren't comfortable, and your niece isn't comfortable, why go back? Time to find a T who will respect all of you.

I kind of agree with the therapist. The letter writing needs to be her own, however it turns out. As parents, we need to step back and let our kids do their own writing and forming of relationships, even when we see perhaps it could be done a bit "better". Is there a reason you are in her sessions with her? Perhaps it is time that she see the therapist alone. Otherwise it will take longer for her get comfortable with the therapist.

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

I kind of agree with the therapist. The letter writing needs to be her own, however it turns out. As parents, we need to step back and let our kids do their own writing and forming of relationships, even when we see perhaps it could be done a bit "better". Is there a reason you are in her sessions with her? Perhaps it is time that she see the therapist alone. Otherwise it will take longer for her get comfortable with the therapist.

well, i mean, i agree with the sentiment the t was getting at, but i think the way the t handled it was very unprofessional.

Having been in family therapy sessions where the focus was on my son, I learned how difficult it is to just sit back and be quiet. My T will flat out tell me not to speak when he is trying to work with my son and I am in the room. When it is my time to talk, he lets me know. Parents have a tendency to try to speak for kids, interpret what kids mean, explain things for kids, etc., which really has to stop in a therapy situation so that the kids learn to speak for themselves. Yes, it can feel a bit like being reprimanded, but it really isn't. It is T advocating for the other person's voice.

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Having been in family therapy sessions where the focus was on my son, I learned how difficult it is to just sit back and be quiet. My T will flat out tell me not to speak when he is trying to work with my son and I am in the room. When it is my time to talk, he lets me know. Parents have a tendency to try to speak for kids, interpret what kids mean, explain things for kids, etc., which really has to stop in a therapy situation so that the kids learn to speak for themselves. Yes, it can feel a bit like being reprimanded, but it really isn't. It is T advocating for the other person's voice.

i can see that, but idk, wouldn't it have been more effective for the t to say, "i'll discuss with you after. not right now?" it just seems like the t put her on the defensive and has now made the daughter uncomfortable.

idk. i'll admit i don't know anything about child therapy it just seems odd that a t would be like "ninja therapy chop!" on someone. i can understand not wanting them to talk, but the t was going full on ninja about having helped with the letter and it sounds almost like he was chastising her, not merely reprimanding.

you're probably better schooled at answering that question than me tho since you have some exp.

Hard to know. We only get one side here, so it's hard to know what is perception and what was really transpiring. The OP said the therapist "basically reprimanded" and "humiliated" her which may lean more towards interpretation than actuality, but none of us were there so it's hard to know. The OP said she shut down was apparently visibly upset, so the T did step outside with her to talk to her, so that would point to the T trying to handle it privately. Hard to tell. My gut is this is a case of a parent having a hard time letting go and letting the therapy process for the child happen individually. It IS hard. I SO completely get that. Been there myself.

[HazelGirl]

What stands out to me is that the daughter didn't feel validated, she felt scared. That's the indicator to me that this wasn't a good thing.

But was that a reaction to the OP's reaction or to the T? I'm not sure really.

[growlycat]

I actually see it as a good sign--the T is willing to risk your anger in order to protect a child. To be honest, I agree with your T in that this should be your nieces' own work and words. I'm not saying that your intentions were not good ones. But is there a possibility that you have things you want this guy in jail to know (maybe your anger at him at how he has affected his niece.)

So it is a good thing your niece has at least 3 adults looking out for her.

[Favorite Jeans]

I don't know how susceptible you are to feeling shamed and humiliated. It doesn't take much for me to feel shamed. For me, in some moods and some contexts it can feel shaming just to be disagreed with. I think that the T probably shouldn't have argued with you. Often you can make a point without belaboring it. She could have just said "the letter is niece's to write" and left it at that. Particularly in the second session where rapport is just being built, I think it's best to err on the side of being gentle. However, this sounds on the whole like a T who is committed to helping girls find their voices and who will help you to be the best parent you can be--if you let her. That's gotta be a good thing.

[Parley]

I'm going to agree with the others that believe the therapist was working in the girls best interest as well as yours. If she is a family therapist then she can't take your side just because you had good intentions. Perhaps the therapist wants you to help the children find their voice. I know the girl asked for you advice but perhaps her first draft would have been good enough for her father. Personally, I'm old school and wouldn't feel comfortable reading such a personal letter. it's probably intimidating to her just knowing the guards are reading it.

Best of luck to you all and I just want to say that you sound like a great Aunt. Not only are you providing for the child but you understand the effect that this situation is having on everyone involved. Good for you.
That's has to be hard on you. Take care of yourself.