[HazelGirl]

I was writing out one of the letters to my former mentor. This one was about how he would be proud of me if he knew some of what I accomplished. I started out by saying I didn't know why, but it was very important that I know of imagine that he was proud of me. At one point, I made the realization that all the things I thought he would be proud of were all things I was proud of. And that I didn't need him as much as I thought. I was proud of myself, and maybe that was enough. And although he's not here anymore, a piece of him remains with me in my heart, the reminders and the ways he shaped me. And maybe it's okay that things ended the way they did. And maybe I won't actually miss out on much if I move on because I have all I was looking for inside me. I'm not "missing out" because I can be for myself what he was for me. I can be proud of myself, and okay with myself, and let that be enough.

I think this is probably a turning point for me in terms of grief. I'm crying now, again, yet this time, it's okay tears. I feel okay about them, and about everything. I don't even know how it's possible that one realization can change everything, but maybe in this case, it is.

Honestly everyone...I think this is huge.

[NoddaProbBob]

Sounds huge!

You're making great strides! I can tell you're really working on it.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by NoddaProbBob

Sounds huge!

You're making great strides! I can tell you're really working on it.

Thank you. What's weird is that just the day before, I was telling my T that I felt too overwhelmed by it all and too upset and sad. I felt like nothing was helping and it was only making things worse.

And then this happens, and it was sort of like it hit me upside the head and I just stared at this realization in shock. Like, wait a minute...I've been obsessing for how long over what I am "missing" when in reality, I'm not missing much at all. Certainly, I still miss him. But I don't need him like I thought. I felt like I would never get the same approval from someone else...but it's me that should be giving myself approval.

I know I'm not explaining very well, but it was really significant for me.

[guilloche]

Wow - I think you're explaining it really well actually, and honestly, it sounds pretty awesome! And, yes, it sounds HUGE! And wonderful! Can I say "Yay for you!" in a truly honest way, not wanting to sound goofy or patronizing or anything .... Yay for you!

[sweepy62]

Wow that's cathartic dont you agree? Still needs some processing but a huge step in realization for you. I'm happy that you are moving foward with this issue.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[NoddaProbBob]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Thank you. What's weird is that just the day before, I was telling my T that I felt too overwhelmed by it all and too upset and sad. I felt like nothing was helping and it was only making things worse.

And then this happens, and it was sort of like it hit me upside the head and I just stared at this realization in shock. Like, wait a minute...I've been obsessing for how long over what I am "missing" when in reality, I'm not missing much at all. Certainly, I still miss him. But I don't need him like I thought. I felt like I would never get the same approval from someone else...but it's me that should be giving myself approval.

I know I'm not explaining very well, but it was really significant for me.

You're explaining it just fine

I completely understand. It's hard to explain how it feels because there's almost no way to describe it. I've been there with my own loss as well. There really aren't any words, it's more of a feeling.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by NoddaProbBob

You're explaining it just fine

I completely understand. It's hard to explain how it feels because there's almost no way to describe it. I've been there with my own loss as well. There really aren't any words, it's more of a feeling.

Yeah, it's like this inner feeling of being okay with things, just so suddenly. I still feel sad, and I'm crying even more now than I was. But it's an okay sort of cry, like finally releasing things and being able to put them away. Instead of feeling this desperate clinginess to everything, and feeling like I won't ever be able to experience life in the same way, and I'm missing out on so much, and on and on...it's like I'm okay, like yeah, I miss him. But I don't need him. I can let go of wondering if I will ever get him back, because he's not that essential all of a sudden. He's not my only hope of ever feeling valued, loved, and like someone is proud of me (I had some major paternal transference), and I can take what he gave and give it to myself.

Wow!! I so love this post!! And I'm so happy for you!!
This is huge, this is really wonderful.
When my therapist asked me what my goal was, I said that I hoped that one day I could be a therapist to myself and make her superfluous. I think that it's the main intention of therapy (or at least, I guess it should be) and you've done it!!
Congratulations!!

[NoddaProbBob]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Yeah, it's like this inner feeling of being okay with things, just so suddenly. I still feel sad, and I'm crying even more now than I was. But it's an okay sort of cry, like finally releasing things and being able to put them away. Instead of feeling this desperate clinginess to everything, and feeling like I won't ever be able to experience life in the same way, and I'm missing out on so much, and on and on...it's like I'm okay, like yeah, I miss him. But I don't need him. I can let go of wondering if I will ever get him back, because he's not that essential all of a sudden. He's not my only hope of ever feeling valued, loved, and like someone is proud of me (I had some major paternal transference), and I can take what he gave and give it to myself.

I nodded in agreement with everything you've said. I did the same. I cried so much. But it was a different type of cry. It was an ok cry.

Not everyday will be good. And of course you will still miss him. But that's ok. You're dealing with it, not letting it deal with you.

I see so much progress there!

[NowhereUSA]

i don't have much to add except good job. that sounded tough!

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by NoddaProbBob

I nodded in agreement with everything you've said. I did the same. I cried so much. But it was a different type of cry. It was an ok cry.

Not everyday will be good. And of course you will still miss him. But that's ok. You're dealing with it, not letting it deal with you.

I see so much progress there!

Yeah, I expect difficulties still. But it has been so relieving, like a balloon popped, it all came rushing out, and now it's peaceful inside.

Originally Posted by Forwardinreverse

Wow!! I so love this post!! And I'm so happy for you!!
This is huge, this is really wonderful.
When my therapist asked me what my goal was, I said that I hoped that one day I could be a therapist to myself and make her superfluous. I think that it's the main intention of therapy (or at least, I guess it should be) and you've done it!!
Congratulations!!

That's what my T said when I told her about how I was feeling, that the main point of therapy is to do exactly what I have been able to do with my mentor. Absorb the things he gave me and learn to give them to myself.

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

i don't have much to add except good job. that sounded tough!

Thank you. The journey to this place has been tough. This realization has been great. Lots of tears, but years of relief and of peace.