[guilloche]

I am struggling after the last therapy session. (Note it was only my 3rd with this T.) Sorry... I think this is going to be a bit long...

Session 1: I told him that most of my childhood is fuzzy.
Him: "Why?"
Me: "I don't know..." We moved on.

Session 2: At end of session, I worked up the nerve to tell him about previous DDNOS diagnosis. He either couldn't hear me or didn't know what I was saying... after I clarified, he asked if I lose time (not that I know of, right now), and if I have any other people inside of me that are going to pop out... again, nothing I know of or am expecting. OK, see you at the next session.

Session 3: I had to draw a diagram showing the people/activities in my life in 6th grade. He starts asking questions ("how would you have described your sister then?") - and I just don't know. I'm sure I interacted with my sister, but I don't have any specific memories to fall back on. There's just nothing there. I remember some facts about that time, some teachers, friends - but I don't feel connected to any of them. I can't just close my eyes and *feel* what things were like at that age, or access any of it.

The problem: every time I tried to tell him "I don't remember", he'd reply with, "Yes you do".

This strikes me as invalidating and stupid! I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and start fixing my life. If I could remember, I'd tell him. Especially at that time (there's nothing particularly trigger-y for me that I'm aware of there) - I have no reason to not tell him.

I know sometimes people (including me) can say, "I don't know" when they really mean, "I don't want to say!" but he didn't ask/clarify that, and I really didn't know/remember.

It's already incredibly frustrating to not have what I assume are normal memories, but then to have a therapist standing there saying, "yes you do"

So, I'm rethinking this. I don't know what to do. I like the idea of the "family systems" therapy that he apparently does, and I like that focusing on my family gives me something conrete to start talking about. In previous therapy, I really just got completely lost and wasn't able to talk about anything... there was too much, and it was overwhelming, and I was probably in a weird dissociative place anyway because I just felt like I was pulled into a dark hole that nothing could escape from. But this, I can talk about my family, I'm ready for that!

I just don't know how to deal with this, "yes you do".

I think part of my worry is, I spent a year with a therapist that apparently "didn't believe in dissociative disorders". He had finally referred me out for a consult/evaluation with a dissociative-specialist, and that's how I got diagnosed, but as a result of the diagnosis, he wouldn't see me anymore... the consult T couldn't see me, and I basically got told "hey, you're ddnos - good luck with that, please don't call us back!" It was frustrating and hurtful and just a rotten experience. I found out from a different T after that his experience with me basically convinced old T that dissociative stuff is real (lovely).

So I don't want to go through this again with a new T. I think I need to screen Ts better. I think in a way it sucks that I come off as chatty and present in my initial sessions. I don't know what to do. This T already knows more about me/my family in 3 sessions than any other T I've seen, I think, but I'm having trouble seeing how this is going to work. Does this seem right to you guys? Is this something that I need to try addressing with him rather than quitting? Is it fixable? I hate to waste the time and money (he's expensive) if he's going to be as terrible as my previous therapists!

And at what point do you just figure it's just you. I've seen lots of therapists... I'm starting to think I'm just un-therapitize-able.

Blah...
Thanks.....

[kororain]

My T says, "Yes you do" a lot too and it's annoying. My thing though is she'll ask how I felt at a certain time. I don't recall feeling ANYTHING. I think I was pretty numb through my childhood and even as an adult up until recently. Even now, I'm not super proficient at identifying my feelings. I'm not trying to be obstinate. I really don't know. I'm not good at emotions and things.

Also, a lot of times she just moves on instead of giving me a minute to come up with an answer.

Oh and she'll also try to get me to list things. Like things I'm good at. Things that are secure. Things I can do to build myself up. But I think the way she asks the question just doesn't click with me, so I don't know what kind of information she's looking for.

Or even if I do understand, I don't necessarily have a list of those things because I don't think about those things. So I haven't had time to prepare. Right? It's just super annoying to be required to "think on my feet" when I've never, ever even thought about that topic, not ever.

So it's not like I'm dumb. I just have no frame of reference for the **** she wants to discuss.

[HazelGirl]

Oh wow. That's horrible. I would absolutely HATE that! There's no way I would allow a T to talk to me like that. This isn't your fault and you're not messing anything up. This is a horrible T who is invalidating your experience. I don't remember anything about my life before 4th grade, and things from 4th to 6th are really fuzzy. And I'm only 22. This isn't your fault, it is dissociation, like your previous T diagnosed you. You need to find a T who is willing to listen to you and not be rude and invalidating.

[ThisWayOut]

I really want to respond, but my brain is very fuzzy at the moment and don't think I'd make much sense...

I would suggest asking your t for clarification on his intent with the statement he uses to challenge your "I don't know"... that may be a good place to start a dialogue around your feelings about it. He may be trying to coax you into remembering something. I have had T's do that when they think I should be connecting something. At times like that, I tend to get frustrated when I don't actually have a connection...
I would also suggest perhaps explaining to him that you truly don't know, and you are not just burying something you can't say with that blanket statement...

Good luck. I will try to check back again when my brain isn't so foggy...

[guilloche]

Thanks everyone... it helps so much to have folks who get it!

Kororain - Yup!!! I'm with you... identifying feelings NOW is sometimes pretty hard, forget about the stuff from the past. And, I'm an introvert - I don't think well when someone's watching. I do much better if I can take a question, go home, and think it over in private and put together a response that makes sense. I'd feel the same way about those lists - very much "put on the spot".

HazelGirl - Thanks! I appreciate that you're always so validating! Yeah... I had tried therapy in my 20s too, and I didn't remember these things any better then. Yikes. I really hate the idea of going back into the "looking for a therapist" pool. I was SO hoping this would work out, b/c he really does seem different from other therapists, but I'm not sure it CAN work if he can't wrap his head around the dissociative part. I think what makes it hard for me is (or maybe everyone) is I'm not good at describing the dissociation. If I'm in a good place, if I'm grounded and chatty, it sort of doesn't exist. I can easily look like, "who me? Dissociative? Nah... that can't be right!" It's not on purpose, it just is what it is I guess!

ThisWayOut - Thanks for posting despite your fuzziness, I think you made alot of sense. I'm writing up some stuff to talk to him about. I will go back and try my best to ask questions and explain some of this. I think it will be hard/awkward for me, but I will try and see how he reacts. I don't know though, I'm a bit of a wimp... I think if he doesn't react well and it's honestly not a good fit, I'm not sure I can quit. Not coming back after one session has been easy for me in the past, but actually quitting after even a couple sessions feels so much harder

Thanks!

[HazelGirl]

Dissociation is one of the weirdest, most difficult to describe things ever. I don't have words for it, either.