How do you accept that you can't be T's friend?

I can accept that T can't be my mother or partner because those are unrealistic, but the moment I am grieving that she can't be my friend. The painful truth struck me after last session. She doesn't want to tell me about herself. She doesn't want to read my emails. She doesn't want to tell me if she goes away during the 2 weeks. She doesn't want to tell me anything but if I ask she might answer me.

She's interested in my kids if I offer the information, and enjoys seeing photos of them.

She enjoys talking about art with me.

But it's all IN the session unless I email and tell her things!

I have known these truths for years but it is just sinking in for real. She doesn't want me in her life though she likes me and is very friendly. I know it's because her role is to be my T, so why does it hurt so much?

I feel exactly the same, it truly and honestly sucks. Sending a big hug xxx

Every relationship serves its purpose within the confines of that relationship. Expecting a relationship to be something it was never designed to be is where people get confused and frustrated and boundaries get crossed. My relationship with my therapist is vital and unique, and it has elements not to be found in any other relationship in my life. If my therapist was my "friend", it would lose those unique qualities and cease to be the real relationship that it already is.

I would say boundaries. You still experience them as something that other people have to block you off, rsther than as something YOU have to protect your own inner core. Im not sure why that is. There is this woman that lives in t's condo bldg (its mixed used i guess youd call it) who i wanted to be friends with SO BADLY a few years ago. Now, she talks to me first, and i dont really care anymore. We are just cordial to each other. I think my behavior is more appropriate now. I feel more bounded. I dont really know what CHANGED - but i know i have put in a LOT of time and work here, reading and/or responding to other people's posts. To other PEOPLE. Its like bouncing around with a bunch of other rocks in a rock polisher - all of us come out looking shinier snd smoother (i assume thats how they work, not one at a time!)

I don't know, having T as a "partner", writing a book or article with her as we often read was a fantasy of mine and I take that to being equally unrealistic in my case as her being a friend.

T had some interests in common with me but I did not really know her/her life at all, yes I know her "emotionally" some and the circumstances of some of her life but "about" is not really knowing/living day-to-day. My mother died when I was 3 and I use to get frustrated with the fantasy of her coming back "now" and our having a conversation. I would have nothing to say to her! Yes I have "wanted" her desperately, longed for her, etc. but what would I "do" with her if she were to show up? Go shopping at the Mall?

What we feel, the intense longing, etc. is not something that can realistically translate into real life? I have always remembered when my T was talking about reading and books and how in novels no one goes to the bathroom Only the "high" emotional parts of the story are told, the writing is specifically to evoke emotion. Living with another person, being friends with another person does not have that purpose. We have friends and mothers and experience with friends and mothers and that would be exactly what it would be like with T as a friend or mother or partner or whatever. If T were our friend we would not go on trips to Paris together to shop. Going together to shop for underwear at Walmart with T would not be that fulfilling as going to shop for underwear at Walmart with someone we already know/feel comfortable with in most situations, friends and acquaintances we have picked as friends and who have picked us. T has her own friends she has picked for her day-to-day life and we don't fit and it can't work unless T wants it too.

The t-relationship feels so good and nurturing to you right now precisely because it is a one-way relationship where YOU are the focus and T is there solely to listen to you and help you. If you were actually friends with your T, it would not feel like that. The relationship would no longer be about you and your needs. Honestly, I don't think you REALLY want to be friends with your T. If you were, the focus would no longer be about you. You would see T stressed out, distracted, impatient, and failing to live up to the person you idealize her to be-- because that isn't the REAL her. If you were actually friends, she would have LESS time to listen to you and support you. Ironically, Ts actually spend more time listening to their clients than they do any particular friend-- often, it's the friends and family who get the "short end of the stick" when Ts are busy and tired at the end of the day. If you were friends with T and she started divulging about her life, leaning on you for support, and wanting to get that 50% back from you-- I don't think you would actually want that. You've said many times that you find it boring to listen to what other people want to talk about (if it isn't something you also care about), that you often don't really listen to people because you are already thinking about what you're going to say next, and you have the tendency to interrupt others. If T were actually your friend, those would make the relationship really difficult and you would probably tire of T in the same way that you have tired of other people in your RL. I think what draws you to T is the fact that the relationship is all about you. If she were anything other than your T, you would lose that and, ultimately, I think you would be less happy.

I have dated a person who made their living as a therapist, have friends who work as therapists and became friends with the first therapist I ever saw. As friends, they are pretty normal like any other friends. I have friends and don't feel any particular need to want the therapist as one. I doubt we have anything in common. It is not like they are super friends or anything

We are friends.......

Oh Rainbow, I totally understand your pain about this. I had a thread about it a while ago, here is the link, you may find some advice that I was given helpful:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...t-friends.html

To be honest, its still something that I am coming to terms with

It took me a really long time to stop wanting to be friends with t. And there are still fleeting moments when I think about it, but then remember how thankful I am for the unique relationship that it already is, and don't want it to be any other way. It was nice to hear, i admit, that she had a similar fleeting feeling when she almost texted me on my birthday but then thought better of it professionally and didn't. I am so glad that she told me, it makes me feel a bit better about sometimes still thinking of the whole friends thing..... But overall I can honestly say that MOST of the time, I wouldn't trade this t relationship for anything else. I wish I could say exactly how I got here, though!!

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These are good points to consider. Sometimes I have wanted to relate to my T as a friend (of 7 years), but we never cross that line and it keeps the relationship professional....I think within the context of where she works friendships are not allowed. I do consider a friend though.

I'm sorry Rainbow. I know this pain and it really does hurt. I hope you get that need fulfilled through other people in time. I hope other people want to tell you about their vacations and also want to not only see pictures of your kids, but meet them.

I've been sharing some tough stuff in therapy and all of a sudden, I am glad I do not have to see T outside of the room. I'm almost glad I am paying her to be nice to me because I sense that some of my personality offends her and I need help figuring those life things that puzzle me.

I think if T were my friend, she would have stopped listening to me by now because in therapy, I have the freedom to talk about the same dumb $hit over and over again. And that may get on her nerves or whatever, but I pay the therapist precisely so my friends don't have to listen to it.

...One more note.

Her not wanting to tell you about herself is one way to see the situation. Another is her choosing not to tell you about herself as her way of TAKING CARE OF YOU and your therapy. She might want to tell you about herself. She may even know that if she did tell you, you'd willingly listen. But hopefully, she resists the urge to share about herself because the time is all about you and not about her personal life.

I see keeping good boundaries as HARDER THAN not EASIER THAN keeping loose boundaries. Meaning, it's harder to do a good job and hold the therapy frame than to do a sloppy job and let it all hang out all over the place. And so her doing the harder job is doing the better job.

I see it this way because I learned it the hard way with a bad therapist.

I would love to have my T as a friend. She did once tell me that she "maintains relationships" with clients decades after treatment. Not sure if those relationships are professional or personal. Or maybe just a check in once in awhile.

She owns her own practice.... so makes her own rules/boundaries I'm sure....but as of yet, I've not really seen anything that is a boundary.

I was thinking a similar thing today and it hurts but like 1914sierra said, That is the only consolation I have. I also wonder if some of what I want from him is what I thought I had with my H. I want to be friends and hang out together. Play.

My T once said "You get things that my family doesn't get, and my family gets things that you don't get. In therapy, you come first; in my own life, my needs come first."

I don't know if that is a useful way of thinking about it, but it helped me.

my t is the first person in my life who has heard me. really heard me. he has understood my mental illness in a way no one else ever has. and that's incredibly validating. it's heartwarming. it's safe.

but he's not my friend.

sometimes i think i would like it to be so. i would like him to think of me. but as the years have gone on, his understanding has transferred to my hubs. the man i married now listens the way my t listens and can do what my t cannot. in that, i have found deep fulfillment away from my t. my t still helps me, but i no longer feel desperate for him.

that's how i feel about knowing i can't be his friend. him and i have a lot in common and he's hinted that he would like to stay in touch in some form after therapy has ended (okay not so much hinted as flat out said). but i know it won't be a friendship. it will be like a teacher wanting to know a student has done well.

(note this is how i hope it will all land, i'm still in the messy middle of feeling somewhat dependent on him, but this is the goal in my mind and that helps me).

i will miss him. and it hurts to think about it, but my time with him has helped me build relationships that are valuable so that i don't need him when all is said and done. he is working himself out of a job. and i appreciate that.

I don't want him to be my friend. I can haunt him until his death without being his friend

Oh Rainbow. This is so painful, isn't it. I totally relate to this and my T actually told me within the first couple of months of seeing her that 'we can't be friends'... She said it can't happen as we can't do the work when we are friends. I don't think she realized how much her comment upset me and I have asked her about it a few times about this since and told her how much it hurts. She has always replied that it is because I didn't get what I needed from my parents... But I still feel,really sad that she doesn't see me as a potential friend! I think I am just too needy. But I kind of understand although it doesn't take away that intense longing for something I want too badly. Other than being friends I would love to be her daughter!

My former therapist and I keep in touch - usually through letters, but I would not consider us to be friends. Even though I am no longer his patient, and the arbitrary two years have passed, he is so obviously still my therapist... because that's how I see him.

There WAS a time in my therapy with him, however, when I really really wanted some kind of relationship with him outside of therapy.

What I realized, over time - a lot of time, is what I really wanted was the therapeutic relationship outside of therapy and not necessarily a friendship or any kind of mutual thing.

When I realized WHAT the relationship between us actually was, I admit, there was a profound amount of grief, but it wasn't a lasting grief. In fact, it transformed into something quite positive.

Until he or I pass away, I have a person in the world that is totally focused on me. Who absolutely gets me and who I can tell anything without any judgement.

I have some really really good friends and a significant other, but I can't say the same about them.

When you're ready, I strongly suspect that you will cherish the relationship that does exist with your therapist. It has tremendous value that exceeds that of friendship in many ways.

Your focus right now might be on her, but over time that WILL fade. Her focus is, and will always be on you.

That's kinda selfish, but more awesome than anything else.

I don't want to be friends with my T, I want to shag him, I want him to be everything to me. But he can't. A few times that made me cry. Other times I accept it as a professional relationship he has in that room, but for that hour, it's probably the hardest hour but the long term rewards have been good.

During one of my last sessions with an ex-T, I was going through a very hard time with my depression and I really felt like a total POS. At some point I broke down and started crying. She told me that I was the sort of person she would have as a friend had we not met each other as a therapist and client. "I mean it. Even despite our age difference." I do not have any contact with her, but I've never forgotten what she said. She shared those thoughts with me in a rather brilliant way, flawlessly navigating between ethics & professionalism while genuinely reaching out to me as a caring, concerned human being at the same time. She was a very talented therapist.

My T also told me that she would still want to know me if we met in a different context. I believe her about that. There was a time when I wanted to be her friend (after therapy ended), and I don't know if that will ever happen or not, but as of now I feel pretty accepting one way or the other. Because of being in T school, I'm guaranteed to wind up with way too many shrink friends, anyway. And I know I could always go back and see her regardless. I guess it's been true for me that the more full a life I have outside of therapy, the less I obsess about my relationship with my T.

I think a therapist who won't put a therapist-patient relationship at risk by encouraging other relationship dynamics, is ultimately being a much better friend, caring about the therapy and recovery in the long term. For me that ends up being much easier to accept, than a therapist who puts my therapy at risk (which I've been through, and even though I took the high road, .. you know. still awkward). Much harder to find a good therapist than it is even to find a good friend, IMO.
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vonmoxie

I knew from the beginning that the relationship is very Unique ,and very one sided, I am not expecting friendship , it would change the reason I'm there for.

It is annoying sometimes that , she knows most about me and she only discloses but so much, but I don't dwell on it.

Bottom line is I wouldn't want my t as a friend now or after therapy.

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The replies helped me a lot! Thanks, everyone. I wanted to respond sooner, but I've been busy, which is good. Of course I am still thinking about my T anyway but it's manageable.

Thank you!!

Thank you. I don't EXPECT THE T-relationship to be what it wasn't designed to be; I WANT it to be. I know the reality but it hurts.

Thanks, hankster. Yes, I do still have a problem with boundaries. They are hard to accept when it hurts. I know the hurt is from the past. but it hurts anyway.

Thanks, Perna. It makes sense because what I remember are the emotional highs of therapy. I don't think shopping at Walmart would be too exciting or comfortable with T either. But sharing cookies I bake for her feels good, and talking about art does too. Idk. Some things feel good with T even though they are things I'd do with friends.

You're probably correct. Thank you, scorpiosis. It's hard to picture T in my life talking about her stuff, though I'd LIKE to hear more about her. I do like the attention, so if she stopped giving it to me, I agree I wouldn't be happy. However, with friends it's reciprocal. Even though I'm needy, I'm there for my friends and listen to their problems too.

I DO have some things in common with my T though. Enough to make us possible friends.

That's very unusual but I'm glad it works for you.

Thanks, HT. I looked at the link and it was very helpful! I even posted in your thread. It really helps a lot to know others feel the way I do about their Ts.

I've been seeing my T for over 4 years and the feelings come and go. At times I'm so happy I'm her job, and at other times I'm miserable. I usually don't think of wanting to be her friend, but that's the way I feel right now.

I also am noticing that I want to compete with her; I want to be as good or better than her at something. I know that's jealousy, and I'm like that with others. I try to realize I have my talents, and T has hers. I don't have to compete. Maybe this should be a new thread....