Too intense!

I wondered how people deal with the intensity of the relationship between you and your T. Did any of you sense the relationship deepening at any point? How did you cope with it?

I've been seeing my therapist for 9 months now. We get on really well ( mostly ) She is very competent, keeps good boundaries whilst managing to be very supportive. In the past maybe 2-3 months I feel like she's really become more caring, more protective. We've been on a two week break this month but effectively I've not had contact with her for 3 weeks and she knew I was worried about the break and both weeks she sent me a card saying she was thinking about me, that she hoped I was looking after myself and that she'd see me soon. It was such a lovely gesture. Her message was so reassuring and full of warmth and she signed off both times " fondest wishes" This was new because usually she writes "best wishes on any correspondence which always seems a bit formal, so I was thrilled that she wrote what she did in the cards.

In one of our sessions before the break she spoke about her love and care for me and my worry that her new job meant she wouldn't have enough of it to go around. But I'd never said that to her, i have never expected love from her, I'm not sure I even want that, i was more worried she'd burn out or not have time for me. But her use of the word " love" freaked me out and I ended up sending a huge angry text afterward basically rejecting her and her "love". I told her I didn't want it or need it ( LIE ) At the next session we spoke a little bit about it and she said maybe it was too much too soon for me.

I dunno, I'm just freaking out over how much she seems to care about me. How much care she shows me. It's nice, really nice and everyone wants to be loved don't they? But It confuses me, why does she care so much? Or does she not really and this is some therapy trick to get me to attach to her? Am I reading the signs wrong?
Right now it almost seems like a honeymoon period for both us... and that can't last. It's nice and exciting and I'm super flattered to feel that cared about but it feels really intense and scary and unreal...

Help!

Asia, I have been seeing my T almost as long as you. I am going through something similar...feeling like, "Is T for real?"

I have posted this before, sorry - I sensed the relationship deepening when we spoke a few minutes before her recent vacation and she said to me, "I will think of you while I am gone and I will hold you in my heart." I head her...at first thinking, "What?" But, Omg, that one got through my armor.

How did I deal with it? Unusual for me, I believed her.

Yes they cut thru the armour like a warm knife thru butter!!

I do mostly believe what she says too and this all *feels* authentic... but omg I am terrified.

With previous T I didn't handle it very well at all. I nearly went out of my mind. I dissociate from my emotions when they get too strong (and by too strong I mean fairly normal for most people). PrevT tried to force me. That so did not end well...
Pre, your T's kind words would've had me looking for a table to hide under if they made it thru *my* armor.

::singing loudly with an american accent:: mummy luff, mummy luff, it's that mummy lufffffff.

Ok so I'm done singing. With my T when I felt it deepening I panicked and pushed her away and here we are in this shithole relationship now.

I think your T is very genuine and you should enjoy her while she loves you so much, bc any day she could become evil T who has insane rules and doesnt like you anymore, much less love you." live in the NOW, Asia. Live in the now. If you dont want her hugs, package them up and send them to me.

I also am in a similar situation.

I have such difficulty believing anyone could care about me. But I want my T to care. And all her actions shows she cares. Yet something in me doesn't believe it.

Yesterday, I had a long phone call with my T. It was a difficult phone call (I'm in trouble with her and my Pdoc), and I constantly felt like she was punishing, rejecting, or threatening me. Every time I felt like that she'd say: "Scarlet, I'm speaking from my heart. Why am I doing [talking] about this?" And every time I had to repeat: "Because you care about me and are concerned about me." And then she confirmed that's what she was feeling. It actually helped a ton repeating it over and over again. For once I started to believe it. I'm still in trouble, but this time I'm not misunderstanding my T...YAY!!!!

I am experiencing the same with my T. How can they love or care about people just because they're paid to?
But, until recently I worked as a young persons counsellor for seven years, and I really did care about my clients, and loved some of them, and thought about them when I wasn't at work. I genuinely cared, but could also let go because it was different to family relationships.

I think its quiet nice that things are moving on like that. Its nice to know they do seem to care. Take your time with her and if you are ever confused about what you feel say that to her. Best wishes.

Yes, this answer is precisely what i'm afraid of happening.

live in the NOW, Asia. Live in the now.

Super helpful. Now toddle along and go take your own advice!

it is super helpful, actually. stop trying to predict the future and live in the moment you have right now. thats the best i got from my "loving t" you say i could have.

I am living in the now. And in the now, I am panicked and scared about the emotions it all brings up!

then say **** you awesome caring T! I want what inrealife45 has with her once wonderful but now super *****y T! Stop loving me you ****!

And then it will be all better and you can hate her for not being like she used to be, like I feel about my once wonderful and never again T.

You have no evidence that she is either inconsistent, or unpredictable. While there is the occasional T who becomes overwhelmed by counter transference, or the realization that they don't have the skills to help a client, or by a volatile relationship that becomes destructive, most do not turn into overnight monsters. Most of the time it is our defenses which distort our perceptions, interpreting actions according to our fears. This is exactly the challenge of therapy: to respond to our fears differently.

Why she cares isn't within your control. That's her feeling, and she is entitled to it. The only change is that she's articulating it more clearly, perhaps because she believes you're ready to hear it, or perhaps because she believes you need to hear it. Either way, it isn't the reality that has changed--just your awareness of it.

I don't think I'd characterize it as a "honeymoon" period with an expected end. That implies it isn't genuine. Sure, there will be times when the relationship feels less blissful and more ambiguous. But that's transient and doesn't speak to the existence of the caring underneath.

ok, "Miss Bitter USA 2014" Thank you for your super helpful input. Now go to sleep and dream of world peace.

AsiaBlue...

This is a perfect opportunity to work through those same feelings that likely come up as well in your other relationships.... Maybe you could talk about all these feelings with her...

You are not alone in having those feelings but unfortunately most of the people who have successfully managed through them to the other side leave PC because they no longer need it so you will mostly be getting responses from fellow travelers.

Yeah you're right. I do have evidence of her being inconsistent tho. Although not with her feelings more her actions and that has led to a bit of mistrust. And expectations that she'll change things.

And also it's just the intensity of it, I'm not used to it.

stop talking to me on facebook and maybe then i can sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will work thru them, I did try to explain how I felt to her before the break. I think she understands.

I'm ok with hearing from fellow travelers. Least I know I'm not alone in this madness.

You're horrible to me.

My t says the same thing, that he really CARES about me. The problem is, i dont know what that MEANS. Did my family care about me? Yes, but not in any way that ever worked to my benefit. So... honestly, this is kind of new to me. I was thinking on the bus home from t today - he cares about my tummy as much as i do. At the end of todays session, he misheard me and thought i said i was feeling sick to my stomach so he offered me the bathroom. Not a big deal, but very considerate. Not something im really used to.

its because im a bad person with no moral compass.

for the most part i tend to just take what people say at face value when i trust them. your T, while not perfect, has shown herself to be quite trustworthy from everything you've said about her. i really think her motives are good. that doesn't mean she won't inadvertently make mistakes now and then, but i would just take it that she means what she is saying to you. it is hard to trust but what is the other option, really? i don't know, that is how i tend to view things and it's always worked well for me once i trust someone. i do think when people start mindreading it is pretty much always to their detriment and is about them and not the other person.

Yeah, I think her motives are good and it's just my fear getting in the way. I wish I could just enjoy feeling cared for. It makes me feel guilty that she's being so nice to me and all I do is doubt her intentions.