the silence

Yes I agree its my responsibilty to choose the direction, and have always done so. T has never been the type to make things easy LOL, but still I don't see it as my, it is still a we. She is on this journey with me, and we all effect each other. Maybe its just the choice of words that aren't comfortable with me.

I find it hard enought to let T get close and for me, by saying my therapy, it just feels even more "Isolated". I need to get used to "we" in life, for to long I went through life oblivious to others and their feelings. IT was just I,self,me . Now I'm in a real working relationship with another. Do I make sense? LOL I doubt it LOL

mouse, everything you wrote made sense to me!

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She is on this journey with me

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My T is the same. We're on this journey together. I am so glad he is along. I would not have gone on my own.

He says that our relationship is "real", which it sometimes seems to me it is not. And I can use our real, working relationship as a model for my relationships "outside," which are not as caring or collaborative. I can try stuff out with him to practice for doing it with others. It's hard.

Yes sunrise. I struggle with the "real" aspect of the relationship too. It scares me I guess it case one day I wake up and find it was all a dream :-(

i stuff my shame with food too. i think that part of it is self-protection / defence. i checked my BMI the other day. something that i had been avoiding doing for so long because i was worried i might be obese... turns out that i'm not. i'm in the normal weight range. it is still true that with respect to grabbing the flab i'm not so happy with my figure, however. i used to have less flab... i say that i wish i had less flab. because i really do feel very self conscious about the amount of flab i have...

but you know what? it is still self protective. because now i see people appraise me and they pass on fairly swiftly. when i was thinner they showed more interest and their appraisal was more considered. i don't know why... but i found that harder. i don't much like people looking at me and appraising me. now... it is like they pass me so they don't really appraise me. for some reason... that feels nicer. and it does feel nicer to have a bit more weight. when i was thinner... i felt different. more vulnerable or something.

maybe this is strange... don't know whether it makes sense to anyone else. so i guess i half heartedly wish i could lose a few pounds but i don't really seem to get any further ahead with respect to that... maybe because... all things considered... i'd prefer to be this weight.

though i need to get back into the exercise.

Yes you are a team but it's your trip is all I meant. I kept waiting for my T to "teach" or "guide" or whatever when I wasn't moving very much (so kind of hard for her to do anything). My T responded to me rather than "initiated". I didn't get that for about 10-12 years :-)

The intimacy got easier for me to understand when I stopped looking at her like a teacher or mentor across from me and thought of her more as a friend next to me. It got easier for me to think of myself as a friend of myself as well as to better understand what I should/wanted to be telling her to "help" her understand me better (as well as to help myself, the whole goal in my being in therapy :-)