[Kated1984]

Hi, I posted a few weeks ago in the introduction forum about transference I've been feeling towards someone. In a maternal transference kind of way. I see a psychotherapist about anxiety etc about twice a month. My transference isn't towards her but the advice I got on my other post was that I should talk to my psychotherapist about it. I chicken out and just can't talk about it. I thought because I don't see the person that I feel the transference with anymore that it would lessen but it hasn't.

[bluekoi]

Kated1984, Try again next time you see your therapist. Write down in advance what you want to say. Hope this helps.

[Kated1984]

I am writing things down and I thought that would help but its like I'm ashamed to talk about it, even though she's a psychologist and its not even aimed at her. How do I get over that and talk about it. I'm even starting to think will talking actually help or am I just sharing my personal thoughts and wants for nothing when no matter what will change my childhood and give me the mother I needed.

[guilloche]

Can you try handing it to her to read? Sometimes this is easier than trying to get the words out? You could preface it with... "I'd like some help with this, but it's incredibly difficult for me to get the words out - would you mind reading it?"

[Rive.]

Even though we can't re-do our (painful) childhoods, it would still be worth sharing with your psychologist because this is a part of you and seemingly, it still affects you. She could help you explore this need and its underpinnings further and eventually help lessen the pain.

Could you email her about this prior to session or simply ask her help in bringing it up? At any rate, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

[Kated1984]

Thank you for the replies. I'm going to see T tomorrow so I'm going to try and bring it up then. I'm going to write things down so I can hand it to her if I can't get the words out.

When I still saw my t in person, if there was something I knew I'd have trouble speaking, I'd type it up beforehand and hand her the paper. That happened a lot actually. I still do it now that we just do phone sessions, I email her stuff all the time that I want to talk about but know I'll stammer and hem and haw and say wrong. It saves a LOT of time to just give it to her and then I try to read it, if I still can't do that, then she has it anyway.

[lunatic soul]

Just wanted to say that i really understand you and feel the same. About writing it down and giving to her to read is a good idea. Hope you will do it and feel better

[Kated1984]

I've had my appointment this morning and after a short discussion T said is there anything else you want to talk about today so I thought this is my cue to talk about this transference issue. I started by giving a bit of an intro to how i'd met this person and how they make me feel positive but then I said I didn't want to talk too much about her and then she tried to get out of me who it was... at this point I just couldn't say any more so I took some bits of paper out of my bag (I'd took some snippets out of a journal I've been keeping) and gave her it to read instead.
It felt like it took her ages to read it and she looked almost sad reading it. I started thinking to myself, what am I doing, sharing my innermost thoughts and putting myself through this.
Anyway after all the awkwardness we talked again about the whole reason I attend therapy and relating it to what I had written on the journal pages and she said its child Kate writing this and comes from the yearning I had for things that I didn't get from my mother and that I only feel ashamed or embarrassed by it because I'm reading it back through adult eyes. It makes sense and I *think* i'm glad to have got it out but I still wish i'd told the person that is the object of my transference. Although if I struggled to tell my therapist, how I would have ever managed to tell her I don't know!

[guilloche]

Kated1984 - Good for you for sharing with her! Sharing stuff with my therapist is incredibly hard too... I think being able to do that is such a "win" and a big step forward in taking care of ourselves... just wanted to acknowledge that for you! And, I'm very glad your T sounds like she handled it pretty well!

[Rive.]

Well done for sharing with T even though it was so hard to get out. T now has a more complete picture & will be able to help you process these emotions.

Are you still in contact with this maternal figure?

At any rate, maybe you could write her a letter (not to be sent but for your eyes only.. you could also maybe share/read to T) where you can express those feelings, what she meant to you etc. Again, it will be a way to get out what you've buried deep within you and release the emotion/associated pain.

[Kated1984]

I like that idea of writing the letter and not sending it, thank you.

[Kated1984]

Originally Posted by Rive.

Are you still in contact with this maternal figure?

No i'm not, which was kind of my doing because I didn't want to keep igniting the feelings but they haven't really gone away either.

That's part of the reason why although I've brought this up in therapy and my T said it's understandable I feel that way. I don't see a way of getting over it right now

[Rive.]

Originally Posted by Kated1984

I don't see a way of getting over it right now

Oh that is perfectly understandable. Feelings aren’t (unfortunately!) something one can switch off at will. It must have been so hard for you to distance yourself from that person though..

However, getting it out (as you did) and processing it further in therapy with a good T will help in the long-run. But yes, it will take time and a lot of exploring and rehashing so that the intensity of the emotion is blunted or 'sublimated', so to speak.

Keep at it though!