Letter to my T (Is this instigating?)

had a pretty decent session tonight...

Tell us more!! What's going on? What's the state of things?

Did you talk about the old note on her car?

vaguely, mentioned in passing. She hadn't even read the handwritten letter, so I took it back from her (not letting her keep a copy like she likes for my chart) and I read it to her instead. She responded a bit, said I was much more talkative than normal, I expressed how I felt the decisions/mistakes she had made contributed to my sense that she had "stolen" my safety. And for the first time we did not argue.

She did however tell me that the arguing is ALL me, bc she takes her inventory regularly and she is the least fightingest person she knows, she does not fight with anyone, ever- just me. So I must be bringing it to the table.

This week she did not respond to a question about changing session time, and she said I can't e-mail this week either due to her going out of town for labor day weekend, and did not tell me this during session. Normally I would fly into a rage over it, but this time I was just briefly irritated and then I got over it. It was nice.

But I am also on a new medication called Latuda that I am actually taking (I'm prescribed lexapro, abilify, xanax, gabapentin and naltrexone) none of which I take as prescribed. In fact I take nothing except xanax as needed for panic or bouts of suicidal ideation. But I've been taking the new latuda miracle wonder drug and so far my worst side effect is killer headaches, but I'm hoping they go away as my body adjusts. But I am just not as angry as I normally am. I suspect maybe it's all in my head bc I've barely been on it for two weeks, but ::shrug:: Maybe it works bc I think it works, lol.

Isn't Latuda for bipolar? I'm currently on wellbutrin, cymbalta, and have a prescription for abilify if I want to take it, but I'm paranoid about weight gain. Pdoc suggested Lithium last time. I know it's usually for bipolar. Are you bipolar? Does Latuda feel better than Lexapro?

I'm not bipolar, (just major depression) but two diff docs suggested the latuda for controlling my mood swings and my ANGER. I guess this drug is really supposed to do wonders for anger issues. And its supposed to not cause weight gain either (probably due to the restlessness it inspires) but the first few days I kept feeling like flies were landing on my skin it was nuts. But that has passed and now I feel a lot better. Cant say how it is compared to lexapro bc I never took the lexapro. I am bad. I think im supposed to be still taking the lexapro tho...I'm supposed to be still taking all my meds just adding the latuda on, but i am not bc I am disobedient and i dont like meds that wipe away my personality, wipe away who I am- disordered personality or not.

Could you tell your Pdoc how they make you feel and see if he can prescribe some antidepressants that don't do that?

i dont have a pdoc right now. i was seeing one at the clinic but he quit for private practice, and i havent been reassigned yet bc i am not due to see anyone for like 4 months. I had beifly switched to a pp pdoc but then i was added to a wraparound program that has their own psychiatrist (shes retarded) but shes the one who gave the latuda. i am however currently on hiatus from participation in their program for a month, so until the end of september bc they have just hired a new girl who is not yet trained and apparently doesnt really have time for meeting with clients since she scheduled two meetings with me and canceled both of them- the second one about 2 minutes before we were due to meet, and I had been looking forward to the meeting bc I was feeling seriously ******. anyway I dont like the unpredictability and last minute cancellations so I asked to be removed from their roster until they got more situated, and i suggested a month would give them time to do that, so in the mean time if I have a med problem I will go back to the clinic. but i feel ok so no hurry. (there are no meds ive tried that dont have some terrible effect on weight or erasing emotion) but theres a DNA test that lets them test you for how your body will interact with most psych meds, and what ones are dangerous for your particular chemistry, and i want to try to get them to test me to eliminate the guesswork of these ****ing medications. but i have to wait till the end of september bc i strongly doubt that the county clinic will order the dna test for me.

Latuda starts working as soon as you take it, it doesn't have to build up in your system like an SSRI.

great, then! lol. i am much nicer when my anger is not out of control. both to myself and to others.

It's an atypical antipsychotic that's also approved for bipolar depression, psychiatrists like to use antipsychotics also for treatment resistant depression or very severe depression.

I recommend taking it for a while longer, side effects usually reduce after a while and there are side effects with most medication. Of course I am not qualified to give medical advice, that's just my opinion and if in doubt one should ask their practitioner.

I take Latuda, too, and had severe side effects in the beginning. More than a year later I have none. It was a life saver for me, but I know it's not like that for everyone.

Did you ever have anger issues? What were your side effects? Aside from the initial flies on my skin issue I feel pretty normal. Just headaches and grogginess which is ok bc I take it at night.

What is your dose? My pdoc started me at 80 mg right away, no gradually going higher.

I'm so glad that your session went well.

Um. WHAT??

Well. She did say that. I disagreed, said it takes two and all that, but whatever I guess.

Please Read This Book ...



It was recommended to me by my first therapist, whom I just so happened to have a tumultuous relationship with ... Similar in many ways to what you've got going on with yours now! ... I decided to terminate that relationship as nothing good was coming from it as far as my healing and recovery process went.

Funny how the very book she recommended me to read provided me with the knowledge I needed to understand my anger issues as well as realizing the necessity of terminating our therapeutic relationship because it was ruptured beyond repair.

Pay extra close attention to the part about dragging third parties into the middle of an argument you are having with another person, such as you are doing here!

Whether you read the book or not ... If you CHOOSE to continue doing therapy with a therapist that is not helpful to you and your process, then it is no longer on them, it's all on you! ... Regardless of who's perceived to be at fault!

Wishing you the best on your healing journey!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!



PS (& For what it's worth) ... It took a few years, but in addition to owning my anger and starting to use it in ways that weren't hurtful to me and/or others, I also realized that the major rupture in my first therapeutic relationship was mostly my own doing and not hers, and I've come to own that as well. It sucks to have to admit that we've pretty much undermined our own recovery process, but that is not only healing, it's a huge growth spurt for us as well.

That was an awesome book. I read it 8 years ago. My t at the time recommended it because of the bad relationship with my mother. I made some changes for me, and everyone was jumping on me to change back to their status quo. I may have to read it again. I do recognise that pattern in my husband too. Feels like I have to constantly fight for my freedom.

Is like to give it a spin while on the latuda. I think it's making a big difference in my urge to fight with her. So I'm not throwing in the towel just yet but I'll pick up the book.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Just picked up the book today

Awesome!

Please keep us posted on how you're doing ...

I hope it is as insightful and helpful to you as it was to me.

I can't even imagine where I'd be with my recovery process had this pearl of wisdom not been dropped in my lap way back when I first started out (21 years ago this very month!).

Again ... Wishing you the best on your healing journey!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!