Letter to my T (Is this instigating?)

It does sound kind of unusual that she held you, between her legs...

Do you think she had an erotic countertransference towards you that freaked her out? What ages are you guys?

i strongly doubt she had any sort of erotic counter transference towards me. I really do. I was surprised she wanted to (was able) hold me at all, I was nearly 275 lbs and she was like 155. I lost a lot of weight though and dropped down closer to her weight (150-ish), and it feels like the more weight I lost the more uncomfortable she became. I dunno this is all conjecture. I have no idea but I am a sexually unappealing beast, so erotic anything in my mind is out of the question. The holding was really very maternal, it never ever felt sexual.

Except for holding/hugging kids, I don't let people touch me. I hate being touched. It took her 5 or 6 months before she ever tried to touch me, and a few more before she offered to hold me.

We were 29/43 at the start of therapy.

I was thinking the same thing as IG....that holding you that way brought up feelings for her that were uncomfortable....and rather than deal with them, she tried to deflect all of the discomfort and bad feelings onto you....or to even try to push you into leaving entirely, so that the reminder of those feelings would be gone and she could sweep the whole thing under the rug.

Hmmm. Did you ever outright ask her what her feelings towards you were? I mean, I know that you keep pushing for her to say she dislikes you now - but have you ever bounced the idea out there that she might have some complex sexual feelings towards you?

I don't know. To me it sounds like the cuddling up closely alarmed her because it stirred something for her. Something she could not deal with. Wasn't she also the T who said something like 'please don't touch my breast' or was that someone else??

she wont even admit that she has counter transference issues, (which she does have neg ct) admitting erotic counter transference would never happen even if she was experiencing it.

she used to say she loved me, but lately if i ask if she loves me she responds that "everything changes, nothing is ever the same." avoiding answering so i guess she doesnt love me anymore. but thats to be assumed, so .. ::shrug::

Ok. So what was the state of play before the bust up with the note? How were things in general then?

It doesn't sound as though she felt any kind of sexual attraction towards the OP. However, it does sound as though she began feeling uncomfortable. That discomfort could simply be the result of a change in the relationship dynamic. It sounds as though the T began to fear the OP (ie fear of slashing tires) and that there started to be arguments (provoking) and tension. Her shifting attitude could easily manifest itself in a desire to create physical distance and not want to touch/hold so closely anymore.

I disagree, Scorpiosis. I don't mean that the T suddenly developed an unquenchable lust for IRL that she was frightened she could not contain - but, in my humble opinion, it sounds like there were possible stirrings of an inappropriate nature due to the nature of the holding, and of the intimacy that changed and evolved over time.

Again correct me if I'm wrong but this was the T who commented and asked IRL to take her hand off her breast. To me that suggests the idea of erotic something or other is in the air. Otherwise, why would you even make a big deal out of a nondescript brushing of breast with someone you felt totally comfortable with?

I'm having a hard time believing the T was genuinely scared of IRL. Unless there was more going on than I know about?

but we never argued that way before, not like we do now...never.

and no, i doubt she was ever scared of me, more like she was full of **** and just got mad bc i touched her car to put the note on it. she wants to be anonymous which is hard bc before i ever even met her i googled her, found pics of her family, videos of her doing her competitive sport, her resume, her real name (legally changed) her old house adress etc (all via a simple google search) and i told her about them early on and she said she ****ing hates the internet, so maybe my "fiddling" with her car was too much bc i was always trying to guess which one was hers (in the end her bumper stickers made it obvious bc it says her hobbies on it)

and yes shes the one who said dont touch my breast. still retarded i think, the back of my wrist was hardly getting off on it.

If the T was scared of IRL slashing her tyres for real, then why keep joking about it? Why not talk straight and bring it up in a calm adult way? I don't understand.

This made me lol

Just some comments - im sorry she took my famous backward hugs away from you. I would think a blanket would be plenty. When me and my t do it, we are in kiddie chairs so i really have no idea where his icky parts are, i just know they are not touching me!

Sometimes your posts sound like CantExplain trying to - well, explain! - something to Madame T. Towards this, i would just say, as i have to him, that the t room is not the place for our logical minds. i am very high verbal AND analytical - i wouldnt be suprised if you are two. The GMAT people said people are udually one OR the other; being high in both is unusual. But i wonder if they work together or separately? And if it IS so unusual, who could teach us?

Isnt it a well known erogenous zone??

Oh - woah. I think I've got the wrong end of the stick then. I thought the holding/hug thing was IRL sitting between her T's legs with her T's arms round her - kind of like a rock-the-boat position, but just with the two of them on the couch.

If they were in fact the 'backwards hugs' that Hankster describes, then my comments about it are all kind of negated.

I'm learning in therapy that the only thing I can control is myself. I can assert my needs/wants, but that doesn't mean anyone has to comply with them.

Irl, I think you're struggling with control in therapy. I'm pretty sure your T isn't going to change at this point. You can accept her the way she is, continue fighting, or part ways. I know you're struggling with your T. I have read many of your posts. I feel for you, I really do.

Part of me still goes back to a post long ago where I wrote that no one can determine the true nature of your relationship with your T because we're not there. I also have BPD. Most people with BPD blow things out of proportion and tend to misread facial expressions. Maybe part of the issue isn't completely your T?

I think you're also struggling with control on here. You tend to only respond to posts that support your feelings towards your T. Posts that try to help you cope or change your perspective, you tend to ignore or be defensive.

I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong. And I know you're hurting over the situation with your T. I don't have any solutions to suggest beyond what has already been said. But I do hope the situation resolves itself soon so you don't have this added tension in your life.

Backwards hug is like a conga line, only sitting down and not dancing. Back to chest.

Totally get it. It sounds completely non-stressful for either party and potentially very warm and comforting. So if IRL's hugs were like these, then all my comments, as I said, are irrelevant. I thought the hugs were something else.

irl, i think your T feels ethically obligated to see you and that is why she feels she can't terminate with you. she pretty much said as much in what you relayed in your post last week. i think she is worried if she terminates, and probably even with a referral, that you will attempt suicide due to your bpd diagnosis. so, she continues to see you which is incredibly damaging with the way she is going about it.

her joking that you would slash her tires is nuts. if you were a violent person she could have very well put that idea in your head and you might have done it. obviously, that isn't something you'd do and you had no idea she wouldn't get the joke note. i would be totally hurt too if someone kept making a mean joke like that. totally unprofessional and quite foolish on her part to ever say that.

i know you have mentioned in the past that she'd hold you for most of the session. i don't know what sort of therapy that is supposed to be but it sounds similar to reparenting which is known to screw up the client in the vast majority of cases. how she thinks doing that and then taking it away isn't going to mess with your head is beyond me. your T is just so incompetent i want to scream!

i'm not sure your letters are going to get you anywhere. you could just ask her if she feels she has to continue seeing you for professional ethical reasons (due to your diagnosis). like we all told you previously she will never tell you she doesn't want to work with you because that would probably lead to her losing her license and it would be totally unethical. you deserve much better treatment irl. i know you have said you can be a difficult client but your T does not seem in any way competent to treat you.

which is why I've posted entire sessions on here, so I can get other peoples full unbiased opinion based on what REALLY HAPPENED vs what I THINK happened through my unreliable black/white filter.

yes, the hugs were like these. Back to chest, blanket between us. Very mother comforting child style. Sometimes she'd have one arm around me and the other hand on my forehead or stroking my hair. Now she sits by me and lets me put my head on her shoulder but she doesn't turn into me at all. I assume so I don't come into contact with her soft bits ::shrug:: A few months back I asked why she switched and she said it was bc the holding was "never right to begin with." But did not elaborate on why she felt that, or who told her it wasn't right.

I don't even understand how a front to front hug would work, lol, itd be very awkward! But anyway the blanket folded double was fine by me, but then to use those gigantic couch pillows started making me feel dirty.

Ahh I get it the mental image I had was that her crotch would be unavoidably touching your back or your butt as you laid back snuggled into her arms, you guys reclining on the couch or whatever, and it just struck me as potentially very stressful and awkward. Sorry, I didn't mean to cast aspersions on the motives of your T and her hugs. The Hankster backwards hug that she did sounds a lot more therapeutic!

well..i guess it was uncomfortable (for her) once or twice bc sometimes id shift to my side (in her arms) and my face would be on her shoulder/near her armpit, lol and one day she asked me if she smelled bc I had my nose right in her armpit lol and I didnt even notice it. I was too busy crying on her.

Some food for thought:

1. Why do you continue seeing her?

2. What are the pro's and con's of continuing to see her?

3. What do you hope to get out from therapy with her?

Edited: From what you have said, it seems to me that your therapist is afraid to terminate with you because you might file a complaint.

i asked her that point blank and she denied it so i dont know. if shes only seeing me bc shes afraid ill report her then ill leave. but i dont know. she wont tell the truth. or maybe she did tell the truth when she said no, but i dont believe her. i dont know.

Topazs questions bring up a good point. It would be impossible for me to have made a REAL decision about whether or not to continue seeing any of my ts. Usually i would move, like across country! Or some other real disaster, like losing a job. But otherwise? And come to think of it, changing jobs or moving is usually a disaster too. Nothing is ever a normal everyday human decision. Thats why i dont have real furniture.

Honestly, I would stop with the letters. Stop with the back and forth, stop posting the sessions online and move forward with your therapy.

Is any of this helping you? You seemed locked in the match with your therapist and it's only hurting you.

If I were to make any changes to the letter it would be to thank her for the good years and ask for referrals. then start scheduling the termination phase.

Healing, recovery, learning new ways of living are hard, but they are sooooo worth it. There is a much better l life out there.