We are talking about CSA in therapy. Every time i have to recount details i am sickened. The words make me feel ill and i hate myself, i hate my therapist for being so open about saying private part words and i hate her, i hate it.

I am still that little girl who is dying of embarrassment and shame. I am so guilty and sickened, i am truly repulsed with myself. I wish i could just cut myself right in front of her to show her how much i despise myself, how awful and fu-ed up i am.

I want to crawl out of my skin. I want to hurt myself in front of her. I want to ruin everything and hurt myself. What would happen if i did cut myself in a session????

[unaluna]

((((8888an8888)))) are you telling her how youre feeling WHILE youre telling the details? Its the feelings that are really more important.

Originally Posted by hankster

((((8888an8888)))) are you telling her how youre feeling WHILE youre telling the details? Its the feelings that are really more important.

I try to. But i was so young and so dissociated that there are just no words for the feelings. It was basically the process of dying without the relief of death and 'ashamed' or 'miserable' doesnt really cut it.

[unaluna]

Im sorry. I thought your first post in this thread was pretty descriptive emotionally. But then im probably not the best judge.

[harvest moon]

Maybe you could read her your initial post..?

[RedSun]

I'm sorry, I don't know what to say that will help.
But my heart goes out to you.
And, what would happen if you cut in session? It may be that your t would consider getting you extra support....can you ask her what would happen, theoretically?

[Ambra]

I'm so sorry, am in the same situation and had a very difficult session 3 days ago. My T has always spared me the details so far, I've never been ready for that and am slowly disclosing some things here and there when I have doubts or something comes up and I have the urge to tell her. Disclosing at once in details is not for me.

Try not to hurt yourself..
apart from dissociation, can you talk to your therapist about how difficult it is for you to have to tell everything? And maybe having an "easier" session where you can talk mostly about something else or anyway leave the csa details part to the next time might help?
Maybe try to give her some hint, she might not know what your own pace is and thinks you are ready.
Wishing you well.

[ThisWayOut]

instead of hurting yourself in front of her, could you tell her you want to because no words seem to describe the depth of your hurt, shame, embarassment, etc? sometimes there are no adequate words to describe the magnitude of something... aside of hurting yourself in session, is there any other way you think you could express yourself? is there some music that really speaks to you about how it feels? or maybe some art or image (either that you do, or that you stumble across online or someplace) that shows what it feels like?
honestly, depending on the severity of the actual injury, and depending on your t, harming yourself in front of her on purpose could end with a lot of unwaned consequences...

Originally Posted by Red75

I'm sorry, I don't know what to say that will help.
But my heart goes out to you.
And, what would happen if you cut in session? It may be that your t would consider getting you extra support....can you ask her what would happen, theoretically?

Thank you for the hug. I don't know what would happen but I just want to... Explode. I wouldn't want to scare her though. I think i would probably get carted off to a ward if I tried. Although i wouldn't mind being on a ward really. At least I'd be safe.

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

instead of hurting yourself in front of her, could you tell her you want to because no words seem to describe the depth of your hurt, shame, embarassment, etc? sometimes there are no adequate words to describe the magnitude of something... aside of hurting yourself in session, is there any other way you think you could express yourself? is there some music that really speaks to you about how it feels? or maybe some art or image (either that you do, or that you stumble across online or someplace) that shows what it feels like?
honestly, depending on the severity of the actual injury, and depending on your t, harming yourself in front of her on purpose could end with a lot of unwaned consequences...

Well we discussed the painting 'The Scream' bcos it describes how i felt. But otherwise i would feel embarrassed showing her music or art idek why. What kind of consequences would harming myself bring? Of course its not something i really want to do but i feel if i lose control it could get to that point.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

We are talking about CSA in therapy. Every time i have to recount details i am sickened. The words make me feel ill and i hate myself, i hate my therapist for being so open about saying private part words and i hate her, i hate it.

I am still that little girl who is dying of embarrassment and shame. I am so guilty and sickened, i am truly repulsed with myself. I wish i could just cut myself right in front of her to show her how much i despise myself, how awful and fu-ed up i am.

I want to crawl out of my skin. I want to hurt myself in front of her. I want to ruin everything and hurt myself. What would happen if i did cut myself in a session????

"I wish I could just cut myself right in front of her to show her how much I despise myself, how awful and fu-ed up I am....I want to hurt myself in front of her."

Cutting, the silent scream?

"What would happen if I did cut myself in session?"

Please don't hurt yourself. I don't think anything good would come of it, especially in session. Would it help to read this post to her? Would it help to draw a picture? The picture wouldn't have to be meant to be anything more than expressing feelings. I once drew a picture just using a red marker. Your picture could be squiggles or circles or whatever you felt like drawing to help get the feelings out....and show them to her.

Originally Posted by Ambra

I'm so sorry, am in the same situation and had a very difficult session 3 days ago. My T has always spared me the details so far, I've never been ready for that and am slowly disclosing some things here and there when I have doubts or something comes up and I have the urge to tell her. Disclosing at once in details is not for me.

Try not to hurt yourself..
apart from dissociation, can you talk to your therapist about how difficult it is for you to have to tell everything? And maybe having an "easier" session where you can talk mostly about something else or anyway leave the csa details part to the next time might help?
Maybe try to give her some hint, she might not know what your own pace is and thinks you are ready.
Wishing you well.

An easier session is a good idea. It would be easier to talk about OCD for a session. Its just that this really takes centre stage.

Originally Posted by precaryous

"I wish I could just cut myself right in front of her to show her how much I despise myself, how awful and fu-ed up I am....I want to hurt myself in front of her."

Cutting, the silent scream?

"What would happen if I did cut myself in session?"

Please don't hurt yourself. I don't think anything good would come of it, especially in session. Would it help to read this post to her? Would it help to draw a picture?

I didnt think of drawing a picture, thank you for that idea i might try that actually. She suggested writing it down too. And you are right, cutting is the silent scream. I just have this massive urge...

TRIGGER WARNING


...... to cut too far in front of her. If you know what i mean.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

I didnt think of drawing a picture, thank you for that idea i might try that actually. She suggested writing it down too. And you are right, cutting is the silent scream. I just have this massive urge...

TRIGGER WARNING


...... to cut too far in front of her. If you know what i mean.

I hear you. I have felt that way before. I hope you tell her about your urge. Let her help you be safe.

In reality if you did it, yes, it would scare her, they might call an ambulance. The staff may be concerned not only about you....but their own safety ...around bodily fluids.

I hope you ask T what she thinks would happen if you did that in session. Would you be able to do that, do you think?

Originally Posted by precaryous

I hear you. I have felt that way before. I hope you tell her about your urge. Let her help you be safe.

In reality if you did it, yes, it would scare her, they might call an ambulance. The staff may be concerned not only about you....but their own safety ...around bodily fluids.

I hope you ask T what she thinks would happen if you did that in session. Would you be able to do that, do you think?

I think i just might be brave enough to ask her that. Thank you precaryous. I just worry that if i did that... She would freak out and not want to see me anymore.

i just have a huge urge to cut myself in front of her. this is so messed up.

[unaluna]

It sounds like this t is not the right t for you, if things are going this way.

So you might want to try to find another t, because that might well be the outcome of what would happen as a result (Of actions, not words).

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

i just have a huge urge to cut myself in front of her. this is so messed up.

I don't think your desire to have her see you hurt yourself is messed up. I think you just really want her to *see* how badly you hurt, and words are not enough. You feel you can't tell her, you want to show her. I think anyway... That's how I'd feel...

[growlycat]

Maybe you are looking for proof of caring from your T?

There's nothing wrong in telling her you FEEL like cutting in front of her.

Acting it out in front of her might land you in the hospital. She may put up higher boundaries and rules. It isn't worth acting it out.

I do encourage you to talk about the feeling though.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

Well we discussed the painting 'The Scream' bcos it describes how i felt. But otherwise i would feel embarrassed showing her music or art idek why. What kind of consequences would harming myself bring? Of course its not something i really want to do but i feel if i lose control it could get to that point.

It's always much better to talk about things than act on them. At one end of the extreme, she may ignore it in order to not reinforce the behavior. On the other end, she may call an ambulance and have you hospitalized against your will or terminate you as a client for harming yourself in front of her. That can be a rather traumatic thing for someone to see whether they're a T or not.

[blur]

you are very brave to talk about what happened to you as a child. you are not disgusting at all! try not to take the blame for what was done to you, okay?

Originally Posted by hankster

It sounds like this t is not the right t for you, if things are going this way.

So you might want to try to find another t, because that might well be the outcome of what would happen as a result (Of actions, not words).

Don't get me wrong, she's a brilliant therapist and is actually really helping me. Idk what i'd do without her at the moment. Its just that the inner child in me... Wants to do that. Break down because she never got the chance to do that.

Thank you guys. No, I won't cut myself in front of her. That was almost a fantasy but i would never act it out IRL, i can see that now. I'm going to tell her about the urge. I dont wanna traumatise her.