[BlessedRhiannon]

Last time I saw my pdoc, he was running about 45 minutes behind on his appointments. Waiting is one of the things that seriously raises my anxiety. So, by the time I saw him, I was very dissociated. He doesn't know me as well as my T and I'm not sure he picked up on it. I basically went in, told him everything was fine, he gave me an updated script, and I left. I just couldn't stand to be there. Don't get me wrong, my pdoc is absolutely awesome - I couldn't have asked for a better one. He listens to me, is conservative with meds, explains things well, is compassionate, and works very well with my T. I just was not able to deal with being in his office that particular day. I have a rather severe phobia about doctors, and while it's less with my pdoc than other doctors, it still is present.

So, two weeks ago, my T asked me to move up my next appointment with my pdoc. She was very concerned with some things that have been going on with me and felt that it would be good to involve my pdoc as well. I had already come to that conclusion on my own, so I did contact pdoc's office and ask for the next available appointment that would work with my schedule. Two weeks later, and it's time to go see him. And I'm totally freaking out about it. I have to trust someone I don't know super well, and who is a doctor, with some very private things and I'm terrified of it. I'm scared that he'll suggest something more is going on than just the extreme anxiety he first diagnosed. I had strong suicidal urges for about a week, then strong suicidal thoughts for a good two weeks. This was followed by a few hours of this amazing, peaceful feeling, and now I'm going through a phase where I can't sleep, am barely eating, and I'm anxious and irritable. As I look back on my own history, I realize I've felt like this before, but it's always been partially masked by the overwhelming anxiety I always felt. Now that the anxiety is better controlled, I'm noticing the other stuff, and it's frightening and frustrating!

I want to see pdoc and get help with this. I don't want to see pdoc because I don't want to talk to him about it. I promised my T that I would tell pdoc everything that's going on...she said she'd do it if I absolutely could not, but that she felt it would be best if I could talk to him myself. I will do it, but I'm scared and frustrated, and just don't want to!!!!

[ThisWayOut]

It definitely can be scary and frustrating going to a doctor's office. I'm glad you are taking the step top goop and talk to him. I hope you are able to addresses what needs to be said. I'm also glad your t is supportive and willing to help keep us updated.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Just got back from pdoc - my 20 minute appointment ended up lasting almost an hour.

Pdoc thinks I might be bipolar and experiencing a mixed episode. He wants to start me on a couple different meds, and I'm kinda freaking out about it. He specifically told me not to go online and read about the meds - he told me what to watch out for, and suggested that if I have any questions, I call or email him with questions. I go back in two weeks.

I dunno. This kinda feels like it might be right. But, I'm terrified too. I thought I was finally getting a handle on things, and now this.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm glad he was able to take the time you needed. I hope it all works out. The one thing I've noticed about mental health is that it seems to be ever changing as our understanding of symptoms and people change I hope the new meds help out. And if this is a more accurate diagnosis, then hopefully it will make dealing with symptoms easier

[HazelGirl]

BlessedRhiannon, that was one of my thoughts based on what you were describing, so I think that's a good possibility. I know that's scary, but medications do help.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I've been freaking out all day, so I finally called my T this evening. She agreed with my pdoc - Bipolar NOS. Basically, not bipolar as typically expressed in bipolar 1 or bipolar 2, but enough symptoms in a cyclic nature to call it bipolar, and she agrees with the mixed episode diagnosis as well.

Mostly I've been freaking out because of the prospect of additional medication - stronger medication - I have serious issues with taking meds, and I ended up dissociating with my pdoc so I couldn't ask questions. I think I'll call him tomorrow once I decide what I want to ask. I dropped the prescriptions off, that took a huge amount of courage. Of course, the pharmacy wasn't able to fill them tonight, so now I have to gather the courage to go pick up the prescriptions tomorrow, and the take them. I'm not sure I can. Just talking about it with T on the phone this evening had me hyperventilating.