No, not post therapy as a whole, rather post-first-appointment-after-the-vacation (so post-post-holiday-appt :-) ). The break was ten weeks this year. Many of you have listened to me whine, and have been supportive of me. Thank you.

It went... okay. No huge feeling of disconnect: I started talking about things rather quickly, I told T most of the things I had indended to tell him, but now, a few hours later, I feel flat, dull, not very interested in going back. To be clear, I am not thinking of quitting, not for real, but at this moment I wonder why I am planning to invest so much time in this. Maybe it is a lack of connection I feel. I don't want my T to love me, but I want him to be interested in me, and usually I have been able to feel that he is, but today I couldn't.

For some reason, I'm feeling angry at T. I know that people here have suggested that I have every right to be mad at him for being away for so long. T said, too, that if I am angry with him about that, then that's what I feel and although I think that my anger is unreasonable, that does not really matter. I guess that if he really did care about me, he would not go for ten weeks without wondering how I was doing. Which is a preposterous thing for me to say - he is not paid to think about me outside of his office, and in his office he makes me feel listened to and understood, and he challenges my thinking and he never judges me and all those things that are the mark of a good therapist.

I wish I knew how to get rid of these thoughts, which get me nowhere.
I know I'm being childish.

[Leah123]

I think the only childish part is the hurt part that says you're not worthwhile, that you shouldn't have your feelings and that your struggle is unreasonable.

Hugs.

Everything you wrote sounds perfectly reasonable and very common to me. Lots and lots of clients feel exactly like you after breaks, I do. The breaks highlight the unusual nature of the relationship, make it harder to take in the caring, easier for defenses to go back up, and to question whether it's worth going back as we realize how hard it is to always be in self-examination mode.

You did great. And you did great posting about it here while he was gone. For you to be able to say so much after such a huge break is impressive. I hope next session is easier, as you deserve.

[HazelGirl]

I think there is some past stuff that is playing into that. But I also think that it's a legitimate feeling. And I think that 10 weeks is a VERY long time and I am impressed you even went back because I know I wouldn't be able to after that long.

God 10 weeks is a VERY long time. Goood on you for waiting that long. Itll get back to normal soon.

Just wanted to say thanks. These replies helped me get through the day. I think Imwill need to deal with this anger I feel, next time I see T... and that is scary, because anger is the forbidden emotion. Even writing here that I'm angry feels like a sinful act.

[unaluna]

I think its important to look at what bubbles up, whats left in the sieve, the feeling or voice that seems to isolate itself? What i heard here was, "why arent you interested in me?" I think that is the transference talking.

[Bill3]

anger is the forbidden emotion. Even writing here that I'm angry feels like a sinful act.

Good job writing here, even though it feels sinful to do so.

[Aloneandafraid]

Thank you, Mast. I feel very much like this as well. I think you have done amazingly well after such a long break. You are so good at explaining how you feel; its so helpful to me and many others. I can relate to everything you posted. You are not alone in these feelings. When is your next appointment? Please keep posting. Thank you so much. Xx

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

Just wanted to say thanks. These replies helped me get through the day. I think Imwill need to deal with this anger I feel, next time I see T... and that is scary, because anger is the forbidden emotion. Even writing here that I'm angry feels like a sinful act.

Goodness, I remember saying almost the same thing to my therapist early on when we began talking about anger. I remember the power of that feeling. I hope... I hope you get to a place of feeling safe being angry. I've gotten better at that with my therapist's help. Still, it is a rocky process. Just wanted to say I could relate.

[growlycat]

You and I are on a similar T schedule!! I saw mine today too, after an 8 week break.

10 weeks isn't a vacation, it's a sabbatical!!!

Your posts about your T's excessive vaca have helped me too.

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

Thank you, Mast. I feel very much like this as well. I think you have done amazingly well after such a long break. You are so good at explaining how you feel; its so helpful to me and many others. I can relate to everything you posted. You are not alone in these feelings. When is your next appointment? Please keep posting. Thank you so much. Xx

Thank you - and thanks to all of you for making me feel less strange and alone. I have been drowning in work so haven't had much time to think, which is good (for a while, at least.)

I'll see T tomorrow morning.