[JustShakey]

So, yesterday my T forgot my appt., no big, I deal with enough appointments for my son that I know how easy it is to accidentally miss one when you're busy. It would be pretty hypocritical of me to hold something like that against him. Yeah, I was upset and thrown, but...
I'm not even sure where I'm going with this one. I even suspect that T may have purposely done this to initiate a discussion but that doesn't really bother me either because I get why.
Or maybe I can't let it bother me because I understand why.
This is annoying. I'm upset that I didn't get to see T, but, if it was an honest mistake, I understand and if it was a purposeful attempt to initiate a discussion I understand too.
I don't know what to do with this one...

T was very apologetic, btw, and is making it up to me.

I would be annoyed myself but im sure he didnt do it on purpose. Have you discussed how it made you feel?

[JustShakey]

Nope, it just happened yesterday. That's the thing though. I have no idea how it's making me feel. I have a couple of options of how I *should* feel but as to how I do feel... I'm just confused.
As to whether he did it on purpose or not. I certainly wouldn't accuse him, but it is something that I could see being beneficial from a therapeutic standpoint. I expect him to do his job, and this... Well, it 'fits'.
I want to be able to talk about this next week and not just do my usual it's-okay-don't-worry-about-it-routine.

i would definitely talk about it. any feelings you have about it are valid because you have a right to be pi$$ed off, i certainly would be. you could work out the root of your confusion and not knowing how to feel too. maybe it's to do with abandonment? or feeling as though you SHOULDN'T be angry when actually deep down, you are and you feel a little bit rejected.

[JustShakey]

Well, the more I think about it, it's like I'm resigned. I wasn't surprised at all. I feel like I was expecting to to happen, it was just a matter of time.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

Well, the more I think about it, it's like I'm resigned. I wasn't surprised at all. I feel like I was expecting to to happen, it was just a matter of time.

Are you used to being abandoned, forgotten about, or rejected? That might be triggering those feelings, and if so, it's definitely something to bring up and talk about.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Are you used to being abandoned, forgotten about, or rejected? That might be triggering those feelings, and if so, it's definitely something to bring up and talk about.

Sort of. I'm used to being told that I'm so fortunate, that I've had things so much easier than others (both my mother and my H tell me this). I tend to feel like I'm being a nuisance and unreasonable if I complain or ask for something.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

Sort of. I'm used to being told that I'm so fortunate, that I've had things so much easier than others (both my mother and my H tell me this). I tend to feel like I'm being a nuisance and unreasonable if I complain or ask for something.

Do you think that plays into how you are feeling now?

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Do you think that plays into how you are feeling now?

I suppose. I don't know. I don't know if I want to try and explain to T either. Things usually don't end well when I try to explain. I never manage to get it right somehow and I usually end up wishing I had never said anything.

[lostwonder]

I would ask if he did it intentionally. That could be an incredibly insightful conversation.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

I suppose. I don't know. I don't know if I want to try and explain to T either. Things usually don't end well when I try to explain. I never manage to get it right somehow and I usually end up wishing I had never said anything.

Do you find your T helpful or argumentative? If you feel like you can't discuss something so important, I would question whether this was the right T for you.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Do you find your T helpful or argumentative? If you feel like you can't discuss something so important, I would question whether this was the right T for you.

No, he's definitely helpful. I'm just not very good at talking about myself. I was taught growing up that it wasn't nice to talk about myself.

[JustShakey]

Okay, I feel like a mess. I keep shutting myself down. Sorry. Can't even help myself. Don't know what I want to ask for. And I keep forgetting what I want to say/type. This is stream-of-consciousness because I have to try and get something out. I feel sort of emotionally constipated. Sorry, horrible imagery. Maybe I'd be more coherent if I were drunk? lol. I'm more upset about this stupid thing than I have a right to be, that's for sure. Sorry for rambling.
Erm, sorry, feels like attention seeking. But I want to be seen dammit. Sorry. I'm being silly. Don't mind me. I'm just tired.

[feralkittymom]

Shakey, this isn't nothing. This is a big deal. And I don't think for a minute that feeling so stirred up about it is attention-seeking.

In "normal" life, a scheduling mix-up or forgetfulness is no big deal. But for a T, it's a huge lapse. He rattled the frame and now there's a crack. And it's only natural that it would touch on any past feelings of abandonment, invisiblity, not mattering, not entitled to validation. Feeling uncomfortable or not deserving of being angry sounds like something from the past. Resigning yourself to it sounds like a defense against the hurt.

It might be a good idea to let yourself write it out in a stream-of-consciousness way and then bring that to your next session. That way you don't allow yourself to minimize your feelings. I suspect if you read it to him, the emotions will come back. And he needs to hear it.

You say your T has been helpful in the past, so I think you have a real opportunity here to heal some of those past invalidating feelings by working through this rupture and not avoiding or pushing the feelings away.

[anilam]

Happened to me too, didn't mind much. Yet we still discussed it the next session...
I would mind if T did it on purpose though->pretty manipulative.
You can or cannot be bothered by this- whatever you feel you have every right to feel that way.

[Lady Lindsey]

I would express your feelings to your T. With him being so apologetic, he probably didn't do it on purpose, but it appears to have brought out some abandonment issues that would be very important to bring up in therapy. I would definitely bring this up in your next session and the mixture of feeling you feel. write it down, type it in an email and read it to him as your feelings change back and forth over the issue.

I have done that in the past before. I find if I write my mixed emotions down as I feel them and then read them at the beginning of the therapy session, I don't forget what I wanted to get across and I express my feelings so we can discuss them...

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

So, yesterday my T forgot my appt., no big, I deal with enough appointments for my son that I know how easy it is to accidentally miss one when you're busy. It would be pretty hypocritical of me to hold something like that against him. Yeah, I was upset and thrown, but...
I'm not even sure where I'm going with this one. I even suspect that T may have purposely done this to initiate a discussion but that doesn't really bother me either because I get why.
Or maybe I can't let it bother me because I understand why.
This is annoying. I'm upset that I didn't get to see T, but, if it was an honest mistake, I understand and if it was a purposeful attempt to initiate a discussion I understand too.
I don't know what to do with this one...

T was very apologetic, btw, and is making it up to me.

I think it's hard to understand when we think something has to be just one dimensional. I know it has worked that way for me, but I'm happy to say that therapy is expanding that view for me.

There is more than one thing going on and both are real and valid. One is the
practical response, that of course we all can and do mess up and it is understandable and logical and the rational response is understanding and forgiveness.

But there is also a gut wrenching emotional response, just as real and valid, and in addition confusing because it doesn't jive with the practical response.

It seems like one of these should be 'right' and the other 'wrong', but neither is right or not right. They just "are". It makes the mind spin when trying to 'figure out' which response is right.

Yes, you understand that mix-ups can occur. You also have that separate internal life that says whatever it feels - "My T forgot my appointment and I'm feeling very hurt!". Other thoughts and feelings might be there, like: I must not matter to T. I'm forgettable. What is happening?! sometimes my internal responses are delayed, but their origins can be detected as beginning with an event that is rationally, seemingly, of little consequence - like a recent change in just the day I see T because she had something she needed to do on the regular night that we meet.

I hope this makes some sense.

[JustShakey]

Thanks everyone, your responses make me feel a lot better

I'm struggling somehow to communicate how I feel about this. I have a hard time translating whats in my head to words. It's like the response is locked down. And I can tell it's not really about the missed appt., well, not totally anyway. It did come at a bad time, but is understandable too for that reason... I had just asked at my last session to go from meeting biweekly to meeting weekly and I was feeling a little worried that he thought I was being too needy and clingy; being too dependent. These thoughts are kinda silly, I know, because I actually need to learn to depend more - I always feel like I should be able to do everything myself. HazelGirl's thread on needs pretty much covers how I feel about that one...

I very much doubt that T would pull something this mean on me on purpose - he's a very kind man, but previous T would have done it in a minute, and believe me, that is not the transference speaking. She said some awful, hurtful things about me that skated along the HIPPA boundaries but didn't actually cross any. If I were to get into all the 'things she tried' (her words) on me I'd write a novel. And of course she never apologized. So, even though it's been over a year now, I still expect her stupid tricks. It's not really fair to T, he's been nothing but kind and understanding to me, but I'm still afraid, you know?

I do want to work though this, but I'm having a hard time latching on to how I feel. It's like trying to hold onto mist. I can reach it sorta, through talking about the six month long rupture that was my relationship with previous T, but I feel like a whiny, ungrateful little pest when I do. It's maternal transference mostly. I feel bad complaining about my mom because so many people in her life think she's a wonderful person. Well, she is, in many ways, but she has a darker side that I know very well. Or kind of know, but am not allowed to believe in, and nobody would believe me anyway, because she's such a good, nice person. I transferred a lot of these feelings to previous T, but it ended up being more than a projection, as she took on the role too well and hurt me badly in the process.