[IndestructibleGirl]

Can't decide if I'm being an arse about this or not.

My T came back to me via text this evening. I had by then sent more messages asking for a phone check in, and then later saying the lack of reply was difficult, that I knew it could maybe be that she hadn't had time to read my texts, but I wondered if she wasn't bothering because she disliked me.

Her text back said she'd had a busy day and only just read my messages, and was sorry. And she 'didn't dislike me, never has'. She said maybe we can do a check in tomorrow, as she's going to be at work then to make up for time off during the week.

Obviously, that's good. And I'm glad I restrained myself from sending the last message that I wanted to send, accusing her of emotionally abandoning me But the borderline part of me is hurt like I've been damned with faint praise, or something. Who settles for just not being disliked?

I feel like the more honest I am, the more borderline I get. Denial and suppression and ridiculing my own emotions all the time made me a nicer person, who appeared more balanced. The real me is a borderline nutjob my brother always argues against the idea that I have bpd, but what he doesn't realize is that just because I very rarely say the stuff in my head doesn't mean it's not there.

Also, sorry for the proliferation of threads. I'm using PC as a safe space.

[HazelGirl]

I think therapy is the place to allow those "crazy" thoughts out where they can finally be examined and dealt with. No, they're not normal. But they're valid because they're your experience of the world. I would feel hurt, too, although I am to the point where I trust my T enough that I would get over it relatively quickly. But that took time.

[Terabithia]

It seems like everyone here is able to text, email, or call their therapists whenever they want. I've been in psychotherapy for 28 years and I've never been given phone numbers or email addresses. I never thought to ask. I think what you're going through may be the reason why I would never want it that way. I would feel insecure all the time, wondering why she didn't return my text, or what does she think of me now, etc.. In order for therapy to be successful for me, I need to have that boundary set - I pay her to see me in her office and I know she cares about me, so she's not going to kick me out. This goes with my psychiatrist too, who has most often been my therapist.

So, to answer your question, if I allowed my therapy to continue outside the office then I would be hurt, but from a perceived rejection. I don't think she was really rejecting you, but I would have felt the same way. I completely relate to what you are saying - I used to have that diagnosis and I probably still would if I hadn't gone manic when I was 25.

If your relationship with your therapist becomes unhealthy then I would find somebody else to see and I would set that boundary and go to support groups for support outside of the therapists office. But I think that in itself may be a good topic for you to discuss with your therapist - healthy/unhealthy therapeutic relationships, how this relationship can be made more healthy, etc.. A large part of this diagnosis is unhealthy relationships. The one you have with your therapist should be based on a healthy model, and your therapist should be the one to make sure that is how it is.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

but I wondered if she wasn't bothering because she disliked me.

And she 'didn't dislike me, never has'.

But the borderline part of me is hurt like I've been damned with faint praise, or something. Who settles for just not being disliked?

I think they try to stay with the words we use so they don't use a "wrong" one? Looks like you damned yourself with faint praise? I would share with her what your original image was that you settled for maybe she "disliked" you? What were you picturing? Why would she dislike you? Were you hoping for a more fulsome denial of dislike and expression of the opposite?

[blur]

i think she was just using the language you used. also, it's text. it's just a poor medium for emotional communication so i would try not to take it personally if that happened to me.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I think therapy is the place to allow those "crazy" thoughts out where they can finally be examined and dealt with. No, they're not normal. But they're valid because they're your experience of the world. I would feel hurt, too, although I am to the point where I trust my T enough that I would get over it relatively quickly. But that took time.

I'm pretty much over it, it wasn't a desperately painful thing. More that I'm irritated by myself at picking faults in everything when I get like this. In the parallel universe that is my workplace or a social event (though I haven't been able to face much socializing lately) I am usually Miss Optimistic, laidback and cheerful. And the crazy thing is I feel like I'm acting and it's eye wateringly exhausting but then I start to believe in it, and 90% of the time cheer myself up, but when I'm by myself I can't believe it. At all.

Originally Posted by Terabithia

It seems like everyone here is able to text, email, or call their therapists whenever they want. I've been in psychotherapy for 28 years and I've never been given phone numbers or email addresses. I never thought to ask. I think what you're going through may be the reason why I would never want it that way. I would feel insecure all the time, wondering why she didn't return my text, or what does she think of me now, etc.. In order for therapy to be successful for me, I need to have that boundary set - I pay her to see me in her office and I know she cares about me, so she's not going to kick me out. This goes with my psychiatrist too, who has most often been my therapist.

So, to answer your question, if I allowed my therapy to continue outside the office then I would be hurt, but from a perceived rejection. I don't think she was really rejecting you, but I would have felt the same way. I completely relate to what you are saying - I used to have that diagnosis and I probably still would if I hadn't gone manic when I was 25.

If your relationship with your therapist becomes unhealthy then I would find somebody else to see and I would set that boundary and go to support groups for support outside of the therapists office. But I think that in itself may be a good topic for you to discuss with your therapist - healthy/unhealthy therapeutic relationships, how this relationship can be made more healthy, etc.. A large part of this diagnosis is unhealthy relationships. The one you have with your therapist should be based on a healthy model, and your therapist should be the one to make sure that is how it is.

I know, I was really surprised when I first started attending therapy and there was an option to text or call or whatever. It does add layers of material to the therapeutic relationship. How long are you with your current therapist out of those 28 years?

Support groups are a great idea, thank you, and on my to do list, I was meant to join a group therapy thing last week but my suicidal crisis meant I was not a suitable candidate anymore. I remember the group facilitator mentioning this when we discussed stuff. So I feel a bit crap that I messed up that opportunity.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Perna

I think they try to stay with the words we use so they don't use a "wrong" one? Looks like you damned yourself with faint praise? I would share with her what your original image was that you settled for maybe she "disliked" you? What were you picturing? Why would she dislike you? Were you hoping for a more fulsome denial of dislike and expression of the opposite?

Well, I thought she might hate me because we had an unpleasant time together in session yesterday. Then I realized that to hate somebody they have to take up space and be important in one way or another, and I know I'm certainly not important, so I guessed it was more like irritation and disliking being in my company than hate.

I wasn't after a description of the dislike. But I was hoping for a 'no, of course that's not true you idiot' kind of response. Something more emphatic than what I got.

Originally Posted by blur

i think she was just using the language you used. also, it's text. it's just a poor medium for emotional communication so i would try not to take it personally if that happened to me.

This is very true, text is not nuanced enough for all the complexity of emotional exchange, especially when you're feeling raw in the first place.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Can't decide if I'm being an arse about this or not.

My T came back to me via text this evening. I had by then sent more messages asking for a phone check in, and then later saying the lack of reply was difficult, that I knew it could maybe be that she hadn't had time to read my texts, but I wondered if she wasn't bothering because she disliked me.

Her text back said she'd had a busy day and only just read my messages, and was sorry. And she 'didn't dislike me, never has'. She said maybe we can do a check in tomorrow, as she's going to be at work then to make up for time off during the week.

Obviously, that's good. And I'm glad I restrained myself from sending the last message that I wanted to send, accusing her of emotionally abandoning me But the borderline part of me is hurt like I've been damned with faint praise, or something. Who settles for just not being disliked?

I feel like the more honest I am, the more borderline I get. Denial and suppression and ridiculing my own emotions all the time made me a nicer person, who appeared more balanced. The real me is a borderline nutjob my brother always argues against the idea that I have bpd, but what he doesn't realize is that just because I very rarely say the stuff in my head doesn't mean it's not there.

Also, sorry for the proliferation of threads. I'm using PC as a safe space.

You are hurting and that's what is real. Please don't judge yourself, your real pain, by suggesting you are 'being an arse'. Be you

It is your mistrust speaking, when you disbelieve her sincerity. Or perhaps you feel that your need forced her to say something she didn't mean, as if a need could do that - only your T can express the thoughts that are hers alone. No one else can make that happen; T's thoughts and words are her separate thoughts and words, just as her life is. She had a busy day, read your texts when she did, and replied honestly and in an effort to reassure you because she wanted to be honest and she wanted to be reassuring. Being honest and being reassuring can be done simultaneously.

Maybe it feels too risky to believe her, to feel happy and excited that she read your texts, thought of you and responded, and can set aside time for you tomorrow for a check in. What a lot of giving she is doing, but it must also feel like a shock after you had decided she was ignoring you on purpose because she doesn't "really" like you. I've certainly been in that spot. It doesn't feel good, and reassurances are nearly impossible to trust.

Your brother is also a separate person with his own thoughts that are about him.

Do you know why it is important to you to be thought of as borderline? And why it is important for your brother to think of you as borderline?

Please don't let the diagnosis be something that interferes with learning deeply about yourself. You are much more than a word. You are sensitive, deep, caring, feeling, and have needs and desires that are real and honest and worthy of being fulfilled. Explore with your T all of those things that are in your head, including what you don't express...it's all important, and it's all things to know more about.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Well, I thought she might hate me because we had an unpleasant time together in session yesterday.

How long have you seen her? One bad session does not a whole attitude make. You had an unpleasant time it sounds like but she may not have, she may have found you "challenging"

I always try to put a good spin on my negative thoughts. If you were challenging, that would mean to me that you were "invigorating" and that's a wonderful thing to be "making one feel strong, healthy, and full of energy."

Keep up the good work! LOL