[BlessedRhiannon]

I just need to get stuff out of my head! I want to talk to my T, but I think I annoyed her yesterday, and I don't want to be annoying. Plus, I don't like depending on others...I want to be able to handle this on my own.

Last week, my pdoc diagnosed me as bipolar 2. He felt that I've been in the middle of a mixed episode for the past month. He started me on new meds. The last few days, I've been feeling really good - very mentally still and focused. I can't honestly remember the last time I felt this way. However, yesterday in session, I was kinda hyper...not really pressured speech, but I just had so much I wanted to share with T that I had a hard time winding down. We had to end abruptly because the fire alarm went off, but we were already at the end of session and actually just a little bit (like a minute or two) over time. I struggle with abrupt endings to our sessions - it leaves me feeling like something is missing. I need firm closure at the end of a session. So, I still had things I wanted to share with T, and I sent her a brief email immediately after our session. Then, later that evening, I was struggling with not having the closure I needed, so I sent T a text. T replied to the email and said she saw my text as well. I felt like her reply was a bit annoyed. It's hard to convey tone in an email, and she's never seemed annoyed at me before, but...I dunno...she just seemed annoyed.

Today, I'm jumpy again, agitated, struggling to focus. I desperately want to talk to my T, but I don't want to be a bother. There's not a whole lot she can do for me, except listen, and maybe reassure me that she's not annoyed with me.

I meet with my pdoc on Tuesday - it will have been two weeks since our last appointment. I know all the weirdness I'm feeling is probably my body adjusting to the new meds, and I also know I'm probably not at the ideal dosages yet. Still, I'm just struggling with how to act, because I'm feeling so different! I'm normally very, very controlled in my outward expressions, but having my emotions bouncing all over the place is making it very difficult to remain controlled.

Not sure what I want with this post - I think just to get thoughts out of my head so that I can stop thinking about them, and so that I can avoid bugging my T or pdoc (I WILL call one of them if things get worse, but I think I can manage right now).

[kaliope]

I understand where you are at. I am going thru a med change right now and having the same problem. t says I can call her and I keep wanting that contact when I feel like I am spinning out of control, but then tell myself there is nothing she can do for me but reassure me and that just makes me feel needy and I don't want to take up her time with that and possibly annoy her, she told me she has faith that I will be ok. so that is what PC is for, to post all my feelings of craziness any time I want for others to identify with and know I am not alone. neither are you. take care. private message if you need to

[BlessedRhiannon]

Thanks Kaliope - it helps to know that someone understands what I'm struggling with. I still really want to reach out to T, but I know she doesn't respond to texts or calls after 9 pm, and it's nearly that now. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning, and if not, I can always call her then. I just really don't want to bother her. She's gone above and beyond this past month, in being there for me, talking to me on the phone in between sessions for as long as half an hour. I don't want to wear out her goodwill. I don't want her to be annoyed with me. I need her support too much for that.