[ThisWayOut]

So, I was just reading/responding on the thread about t's continuing to like us despite our huge personality defects (which for whatever reason they can't or won't see). I was wondering, does anyone else have experiences that feed into your negative beliefs about yourself?

My most recent former t left the field due to burn-out. During the month we had to deal with termination, she told me multiple times and multiple ways that I was not the reason she was leaving. Intellectually, I get that. I know I don't have that much power over a person. But emotionally, that negative voice in my head says she ran because of me (that I'm too disgusting/vile/gross/unlikable/messed up/hopeless or whatever adjective my head puts there in the moment). As much as I try to rationalize my way out of it, I still feel like her leaving proves how awful I am... she told me more than once how much she enjoyed working with me, but the kid inside doesn't believe that.
Does anyone else have experiences where your t "proved you right"?

[HazelGirl]

YES.

Although this wasn't a T.

A mentor of mine whom I was very close to quit his job because of burnout. I know exactly what you mean by the intellectual knowledge that it's not my fault and the fear that I know I'm terrible and I must have contributed in some way.

[HealingTimes]

Yes, Lots and lots of them.

Every time she goes on holiday, I feel like I am too much for her, every time she looks tired I feel I am too much for her, every time she mentions 'endings' of any sort, I worry that she is getting bored of my 'drama' and will terminate me, every time she cant fit me in for an emergency session I feel its because she doesn't WANT to....

However, what you and I both need to remember is that its NOT PERSONAL. The child in us finds that hard to believe BUT it's true.

[guilloche]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I was wondering, does anyone else have experiences that feed into your negative beliefs about yourself?

Yup, but I don't think in the same way. I've been reading stuff that I wrote from my last round of "attempted therapy" - and it's pretty awful. Mostly, I feel bad for "me then"... that the Ts seemed to be so awful (!), and that I couldn't see it and leave faster. I kept thinking that *I* was doing something wrong, that *I* needed to be better, more open, more understanding. That basically I was such a huge broken mess that T after T after T could not deal with me. It was awful, and really honestly kind of traumatizing in itself.

(((ThisWayOut))) - I'm sorry that you still struggling with feeling bad and like you had anything to do with your T leaving! I wish there was an easy way to take the logical stuff that we know and translate it into "emotional knowing" !!!

[Espresso]

I caused a teacher at my high school to quit because of burn out. I can't imagine I was the only problem that contributed to his career change, but I was definitely a huge pain in the butt. He obviously wasn't a therapist so I didn't have much connected to him, but it made me feel like a horrible person.

T has said things to me that I translate to fit my negative thought patterns:

Statement: "Some of my clients see me for 90 minutes fortnightly, so that is an option"
Translation: "I don't want to see you every week, you are a burden"

Statement; "Do you think you would benefit from life coaching?"
Translation: "p*** off and find a life coach, you're doing counselling wrong."

Statement: "try to make those types of disclosures in session if you can, even if you have to read them out"
Translation: "Stop emailing me between sessions, you're the most irritating client ever."

[sweepy62]

Yes right now I'm thinking that t switched me to every 2 weeks because she can't be bothered seeing me weekly. When I know logically she told me my schedule will go back to weekly very soon,

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[JustShakey]

I accidentally triggered previous T in my second session with her (she had pushed too hard in the first and I was very upset and didn't really know why) and she *did* hate me for a few months at least.
Then my T forgot my appt. last week and brought it all back up again.
So, short answer: yes.

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[Ambra]

Yes, with a very important person in my life who ran away after I opened up to them. I still have to get over it. And then T1 referred me on because she wouldn't put up with me. She was specialized in my issue but said she couldn't help me. My current T whom I am fond of doesn't specialize in my issue(s) and I always worry she will leave at a certain point. Last week she held me while I was crying. 3 days ago she admitted it was powerful as she felt my overwhelming anger and despair. I nearly had a heart attack but T immediately said that she just meant it was a special moment and she's glad she got so close and that I help her to help me better. Still... it happened and she is human. So I find my self wondering how long before she runs

[Mikeyboy]

Not my therapist, but my big sister. In my very early 20's we were roommates, and I was especially screwed in the head then(I've mellowed over the last 4 years or so), and she's told me that some nights she was afraid to sleep knowing that I was in the apartment.