I almost had a 'nervous breakdown' over the past few days.

So I meet with my therapist tomorrow, and i'm afraid to tell him. This is not like me, as I normally can't wait to see him. I've also been very open with him, so there's no way I could avoid telling him. (not that I would when it comes down to the hour)

I've never been hospitalized before, and if i ever had to be hospitalized in the near future, it would be under his care. Since I can't afford to see him more than once a week, I am really scared that he will say he can't see me anymore/he can't contain me seeing me only 1 x week. I'm also afraid of his 'disapproval'...

He's almost 70 now, so I also wonder if complex clients, such as myself, might be wearing him down. Maybe he prefers treating children, college students, or the general 'worried well'? What if he decides that for now on, he only wants to treat those with mild conditions? I was never afraid of this before. Part of the reason I wanted him as a therapist is because I found his articles and books or book chapters online. He wrote a lot about borderline, abnormal psychology, and challenging dx, so I thought he'd be a good fit...and he turned out to be in so many other ways.

It's been a horrible, scary, awful week. Instead of feeling relieved about seeing him like I usually am, I am scared. I guess i'm looking for reassurance...but honesty is always best.

[Leah123]

What if I'm honest and reassuring?

I think you're projecting your own struggle and worries on to your therapist.

Perhaps part of the reason you question his committment is because you are shaken right now, but try to remember, the intensity of your experience being you is much greater than the intensity of his experience listening to and helping you. He can handle it I imagine, just fine.

It sounds like you two have an established relationship, so that's largely why I don't think your concerns will materialize. Your worry won't be contagious.

I'm sorry you can't afford a second session. I wonder if he'd be open to some type of compromise on fees or focus with you on coping mechanisms and stabilization right now rather than doing anything that might be more upsetting, etc.

At any rate, I hope it will be a big relief to see him tomorrow: some of the times I have most anticipated a negative response have turned out to be some of my best sessions.

[unaluna]

Per your other post, why would you go to the hospital - wont they just put you on more meds? Or do you envision being there under the care of your t? Im confused. But i do vote for a med change.

Originally Posted by Leah123

What if I'm honest and reassuring?

I think you're projecting your own struggle and worries on to your therapist.

Perhaps part of the reason you question his committment is because you are shaken right now, but try to remember, the intensity of your experience being you is much greater than the intensity of his experience listening to and helping you. He can handle it I imagine, just fine.

It sounds like you two have an established relationship, so that's largely why I don't think your concerns will materialize. Your worry won't be contagious.

I'm sorry you can't afford a second session. I wonder if he'd be open to some type of compromise on fees or focus with you on coping mechanisms and stabilization right now rather than doing anything that might be more upsetting, etc.

At any rate, I hope it will be a big relief to see him tomorrow: some of the times I have most anticipated a negative response have turned out to be some of my best sessions.

Yes, you're probably right, Leah. Same here--best sessions after anticipating negative responses. Thanks for reminding me about that too.

Part of it is that I want him to feel good about treating me. This is an ongoing thing. In my semi-twisted mind, I having his feeling good linked with receiving nurturing, protection, and care. The only thing I can think of that would make him feel good is feeling that his work is rewarding; and, I think that i'd have to be getting better (in some form or another) for him to feel that his work with me is rewarding. I was steadily improving, but now this.

He already gives me a generous discount. I could never ask him for more because he is worth so much more than I pay him already. I already feel like he resents me every time I send him a check. It seems so small.

Originally Posted by hankster

Per your other post, why would you go to the hospital - wont they just put you on more meds? Or do you envision being there under the care of your t? Im confused. But i do vote for a med change.

I'm not thinking of going to the hospital now. I am worried that, for the future, if it has something to do with that introject--I don't think certain meds can treat that. I am especially worried about not having an anxiolytic since I only have 2 left. I have a new GP, who is already prescribing me an ADD drug off label, in addition to a sleeping pill, so I'm afraid to ask him for another psych drug. He doesn't even know me; I've only seen him twice so far.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by skies_

Part of it is that I want him to feel good about treating me. This is an ongoing thing. In my semi-twisted mind, I having his feeling good linked with receiving nurturing, protection, and care. The only thing I can think of that would make him feel good is feeling that his work is rewarding; and, I think that i'd have to be getting better (in some form or another) for him to feel that his work with me is rewarding. I was steadily improving, but now this.

I hope he won't rely on your continual improvement for his validation. My therapist often talks about how healing is circular, not linear, and I believe we all have ups and downs, I know I do! Life's variables keep most things from occurring in a perfectly straight, clean process.

I imagine he'd derive satisfaction from you trusting him and opening up as well as for being there for you when you could most benefit from his services. I know my therapist does.

Originally Posted by Leah123

I hope he won't rely on your continual improvement for his validation. My therapist often talks about how healing is circular, not linear, and I believe we all have ups and downs, I know I do! Life's variables keep most things from occurring in a perfectly straight, clean process.

I imagine he'd derive satisfaction from you trusting him and opening up as well as for being there for you when you could most benefit from his services. I know my therapist does.

He doesn't strike me as the type to need validation, but he does work hard. Doesn't everyone need to feel good about work? I guess it goes back to feeling like a burden. And feeling like I don't deserve to be cared for unless I 'give something back'. Which is how my mother was....maybe most of the fear originates from that same issue.

I appreciate the thought about trusting and opening up.

Part of it, that I didn't mention earlier, is that I think he made a mistake that led to this (in part). He's never mentioned making a mistake before or doing something wrong in the past (in my therapy); that sort of concerns me. I want to bring it up, and I have trouble holding back anything from him. Last time when I brought up that he made a mistake, it didn't go too well. I was really surprised.

[Leah123]

Yes, it's nice to feel good about work, but I'm saying, you feeling good isn't the only way he might feel good about work. Therapists can be satisfied by a number of things, it's not only a one-to-one correlation.

Well, all therapists make mistakes and discussing them is important in my experience, a learning experience for him and maybe you. Mine's typically open to my feedback and has often apologized for mistakes and asks what she can do to help me feel better afterward.

But she's not always so conciliatory: sometimes she'll draw a boundary and say she won't apologize for certain things she's said or she'll get a bit frustrated with how long I focus on an error. Nonetheless, we've been through multiple such talks and we're both still standing. Relationships aren't always fun but even if he doesn't respond perfectly, hopefully you can still get what you need and improve the situation for next time.

Perhaps it would help to preface your talk tomorrow by letting him know you're feeling very vulnerable, fearful and also worried about discussing a possible mistake, and that you'd like him to just listen to you, hear you out and focus on stabilizing you.

Perhaps it would help to preface your talk tomorrow by letting him know you're feeling very vulnerable, fearful and also worried about discussing a possible mistake, and that you'd like him to just listen to you, hear you out and focus on stabilizing you.

I think i'll do that tomorrow. Good advice....not that I don't mention fearful, vulnerable, and worried at least every other session!