[Jordy]

First of all sorry I haven't been on here for a month, but I was on vacation and my internet access was much more limited than expected.

I got home on Thursday and have been pretty busy since... yesterday was my 2 year-old goddaughter's birthday party. Something really low-key at my friend's house with the stable owners and a couple close friends. When it was time to say goodbye, the stable owner was so drunk he started groping me, kissing my neck, trying to reach under my shirt.... I felt so disgusted and tried to stop him. But everyone around me was laughing so hard, it made it nearly impossible for me to stop him, until I curled up in a ball on a chair, pretending to laugh too to protect myself...
I feel so dirty since and this has really affected me... even though I know it was nothing too bad. But it reminded me of so much worse...

Today I had group for the first time since the summer break, and I so wanted T to notice how I was doing.... she didn't and I feel more lonely than ever...

Worst is I had to cancel my session for friday due to work and she had no spot until early october... I don't know how to cope until then... I might ask my boss if I can come to work late on friday but I doubt he'll be ok with it. And I need to do it before she fills the spot....

Sorry for the ranting, but I feel like a worthless piece of crap, and T didn't even bother noticing... on top of this she casually said she's working from home starting in Decembre, which is an hour's drive for me.... I hate it!

[HazelGirl]

This sounds terrible! And to have people laughing! I am so sorry!!!

[Jordy]

Thanks...

I'm trying to cope to the best of my abilites, but it's really difficult... The stables and my friend's house were the only places I felt totally safe in this world, the only place I was ok wearing skirts, or having a little cleavage... I had none of this yesterday and was still hurt and betrayed in my so-called safe haven...

I'm not sure I'll be able to go and see my horses so carefree anymore... this was my refuge and it has been taking from me. My friend, the one guy I trusted, who for years has been telling me he would protect me was standing right next me laughing, not realizing how much this was scaring and hurting me...
I still can't believe I lost within minutes everything I had spent years building up and I don't even understand why or what I did wrong.

[skycastle]

Jordy it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. It doesn't sound like that was consensual and that is the fault of the guy who took advantage of you, NOT you. I'm so sorry this happened. And I'm sorry that the people you trusted did not respond in a way that was helpful. I really hope you can find a way to talk to a therapist about this. I want to give you a big hug.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry you went through that. I would be horrified! And I am also sorry your T is not more in-tune at the moemnt, and not more available...

[Wren_]

(((((Jordy))))) i'm really sorry that happened to you ... and it doesn't seem as though your friends were behaving like friends if they were laughing instead of helping you when that was happening

I hope you ask your boss about Friday and can see your T then, better than having to wait

[sweepy62]

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[Jordy]

Thanks for the support... after crying myself to sleep last night I feel a bit better today.

To be honest I don't really want to ask my boss for the time off: my supervisor is off this week, and I'm replacing him. This is my chance to prove I deserve a full time position, which is what i need most at the moment. I'm reluctant to screw this opportunity up. I'll try to make it through the week, and i'll call T if I really can't make it.

And I've really tht when I'll see my friends on saturday, I'll have to talk to them explain them how they made me feel. I don't think they did it on purpose, but they need to know so it won't happen again.