[RedSun]

Trigger warning, csa and sexual stuff!

So, last week I told my t that I knew a family friend had made me do sexual things with him when I was about 13. I'd had sort of weird memories popping up in the last couple of months, then I just 'knew'. I remembered images, and a few weird conversation bits too, but only fragments. When I told t I felt very shaky.

Anyway, last weekend I was at college in a new group. There were two guys there, very sweet and friendly and respectful but I felt soooo panicky around them. I had to say it to the group in the end because I felt it was obvious. I felt like crying all weekend, and so sick and disgusted.

Then, two days ago, I decided that I am lying. I have made this stuff up. I have lied to my t, and I just don't know why. I understand how awful and offensive that can be to someone who has been abused, and I'm so sorry. But I think I made it up. I am all over the place.

There are some things which I know happened, and don't make sense if I have lied. But when I think that it is true, I just know I have made it up. I'm not making any sense. I wish I hadn't told t, I wish that we could just never talk about it again, and I could read her some awful poems from my journal (think Vogon poetry on hitchhiker s guide to the galaxy) and talk about her cats.

Sorry, long post, making no sense. Someone unknot me.

Sorry you are so knotted up. I identify with your post because I talk to my T about emotional neglect by my parents, but I also tell her that I don't believe the story I am telling her and the picture we are creating together. I can't quite believe it is true and I think I am wrong, perhaps I it was me who was in the wrong all along. I don't know if this is anything like what you are experiencing. You are probably not the only one to have your experience and I am imagining that your T would be supportive if you come out and talk about how confused you are about it.

I'm confused too, but my T is supportive.

[HazelGirl]

I don't think you lied. I think you don't want it to be true (understandably so), and that is causing you to want to reject that knowledge. I think what you're going through is normal for someone with repressed memories, and that things will sort themselves out in time. But I do not think you're making things up.

[RedSun]

Thank you both.
I know I'm bleating on and on about this.
I'm just so confused.
Does it end? Do you reach a point of clarity?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Red75

Thank you both.
I know I'm bleating on and on about this.
I'm just so confused.
Does it end? Do you reach a point of clarity?

Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. Only time will tell. But eventually, either way, you will come to a point of acceptance of what you know and what you don't know.

[Perna]

Memories are rarely "true"/what actually happened but are filtered through us and are only important as they are important to us. I would tell your T about your struggles with feeling like you may be lying and how all over the place you are, etc. That's the actual work, not just deciding X did/did not happen. What's in the past cannot be changed anyway, just how we view it, what we think of it and ourselves, etc. The thoughts, feelings, and emotions change, not anything that actually did/did not happen.