[musinglizzy]

Like another post was shared earlier, I'm fairly negative, and my feelings on self worth is very low. She hasn't been able to increase that yet.....so I think sometimes I say things without thinking first....

I know I shouldn't sensor myself with my T....but jeez, the negative stuff that comes out of my mouth sometimes would make ME want to turn away screaming. I put on an act at work....and it exhausts me. I go from work to my appt, so by that time, I know I can "be myself," but I'm so exhausted from putting on that "I'm such a happy person" act.

I'm really down on myself, and no matter what is going on in my life I seem to always come up with a reason to blame myself. I think she's getting frustrated. And I don't like that feeling.

[LadyGazelle]

I feel the same often I have very low self esteem and self-worth but I kinda refuse to lie. Anyone who knows me knows I'm like this. My T seems up to the challenge of helping me and challenging my extremely negative view of myself. I started posting here so I think it's working! (I still worry no one cares what I have to say but trying to just not care either way it's hard though I tell you)

I'm sure I frustrate him when I get down on myself but at the same time that's what I pay him for, to help me reverse those thoughts.

[wotchermuggle]

I was struck by your comment that your therapist hasn't improved your mood.

It isn't solely the therapist's job. Ultimately, you have to be the person to turn things around. A therapist is just there to guide/support you.

[shabur]

I would suggest you talk to your T about this. It can provide you with some clarity about how she takes your negative talk as well as find a path the 2 of you can work on to move yourself out of these thoughts.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

I was struck by your comment that your therapist hasn't improved your mood.

It isn't solely the therapist's job. Ultimately, you have to be the person to turn things around. A therapist is just there to guide/support you.

What I really meant was that she hasn't yet helped ME learn how to increase that. I'm not saying she's a bad T, I think she's awesome. Unfortunately, I went into this feeling like I was unfixable from the get go. She hasn't lost faith, so I can't either.

But it's just hard.

[musinglizzy]

I decided to write my T an Email last night I should provide a little info.... I see her twice a week, and at my last session last week, I shut down. I am not one to cry in therapy, but a topic was brought up that can usually make me cry fairly easily. Being uncomfortable with crying in front of anyone, let alone T, I just shut down. I didn't want to talk much anymore. My T was very kind and compassionate about it....and I was a bit embarrassed afterward, she was very aware what happened. Had I not cried, it wouldn't have happened...but that's just how I am. Perhaps that's why I try not to cry.

She said yesterday she has worries about me getting overwhelmed and frustrated, and then quitting therapy all together. She said she thought the method we were using (whatever that is) may not be working so well, that it seems I'm going the wrong way, so perhaps I needed a method that's more "structured." I don't know what she meant by that and asked for clarification, and ask she was thinking of the answer....I inadvertently changed the subject when something else popped into my head.

Really, my tuning out last week had some effect on her I think.... made her think that this way of therapy is not working, made her worry I would quit, etc etc. So I felt like I needed to reassure HER. I did tell her though that my biggest fear has always been that when I decided to try therapy again after a couple of decades, I would be told they couldn't help me. She assured me that wouldn't be the case....

Anyway, I'm hoping my Email to her sheds some light on how I'm thinking....and "feeling" inside. This whole talking about FEELINGS is new to me....and the fact that I am acknowledging them, talking about them, and have someone who will listen to them, is a whole new experience for me.