Help...do i up and quit--just like that?

I guess I can't just write on the "Dear T" thread any longer.....

Sorry if I haven't responded to recent posts/questions or private messages, but I've been such a mess.

My moods have been turbulent and all over the place, including coming close to having a 'breakdown', panic attacks, transient psychosis, waves of self-hate, fearing being flooded with repressed emotional content, and suicidal feelings. Then there is the profound helplessness.

Of course I realize it's mostly about transference reenactments, but after 3 weeks of this, I cannot take it anymore. This isn't about expecting no difficulty or discomfort or emotional pain. It's about fear of impending breakdown, hardly being able to function in all areas of my life, and concerns about my life falling apart overall. I don't understand how this is therapeutic--it's almost as if I'm being re-traumatized.

This may sound strange, but I have premonitions that warn me. Every time some type of traumatic material is going to surface, water appears in my dreams or daydreams/spontaneous thoughts. It is sometimes represented by dark, black ocean waves; other times there are tidal waves. One time a tsunami started, but luckily, it dissipated in the dream. Well this one feels like an impending tidal wave. So I emailed him last night about my fears of being flooded with repressed emotional content.

He responded first thing in the morning, telling me things emerge into consciousness only we are ready to remember them. Well, I got upset because I had read this same idea in a psychology textbook just before emailing him the night before. I do not think that is true, which is one reason why I contacted him about it. The last time I was flooded like that was because I was prematurely and carelessly probed about my trauma by a new therapist. When it happened with my sister, she ended up in a mental hospital for 2 weeks. I certainly believe that this could be true for some people, but I am not counting on that on account of personal experiences and other context I have in mind.

He said there is nothing we can do but talk about it. But how does that help when he is only there for me for 45-50 minutes per week? He's not very warm or comforting about it, but he is understanding and empathetic. Maybe I need someone who can be more supportive? Increasing sessions from once to twice a week would be helpful, but I certainly can't afford that without help from health insurance, which is fairly useless when it comes to mental benefits.

I just don't know what to do besides quit. Sometimes these reactions are temporary, but it's been consistent and unbearable for nearly three weeks now. It doesn't matter how much I know these are memories and emotions are related to the past--that doesn't change anything. It hurts tremendously to have to go through this alone; just like when I was a small child. There was no one there for me. Ever.

He knows all this because I tell him everything about these feelings, thoughts, experiences, and fears. He really is a quality therapist and I appreciate him so much, but i'm at a loss about what to do now. I can't tolerate it anymore. Any ideas?

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough patch. I had a similar experience about six months after I got into therapy (two years in now), and a few much shorter, transient patches.

Can you dial back the intensity in sessions for a little while? I mean, that's probably not a revolutionary idea to you. But for me, I tended to push & push myself in therapy, until I was near a breaking point. Then I had to finally, consciously give myself permission to stop talking about trauma, emotions, etc. Essentially I'd go and talk about mundane details of my daily life, or happy memories. It was surprisingly difficult to chat about stuff like that- it didn't feel like "therapy"- which was revealing in its own way for me. But I think it helped me a lot, in ways I didn't expect.

I hope you figure out what you need.

There is a lot you can do about it.

Is he trained in trauma work? Specialize in it?

There are important techniques that can help a great deal, distress tolerance, grounding, and also a certain way to approach these discussions: the symptoms you're describing suggest he's not being careful enough.

Can you talk to him about his methodology and ask him to work with you on concrete coping skills?

I don't recommend quitting. You have made tremendous progress, even if it's hard to see right now. Often, we want to run from things that are buried, but once they're out, we end up feeling more free and able to handle life. You will get there, even if it feels impossible right now.

That's a good idea if the situation you described applied to me. Everything just flows in...it just naturally happens. I don't plan on anything, and for several months now, discuss the emotional re-experiencing that happens in between sessions. But your post reminded me of something else. It's as if there is too much transference work going on. For example, I experience him being dangerous, sadistic, or cruel. But if i'm not dissociative, I know it is only transference. While I sit there I don't believe those attributes apply to him. That's just it--the space is so huge. It's almost too huge-like there's no relationship. It's just transference space.

I've told him before that sometimes people need more than interpretations and understanding. It seems like some form of the real relationship might be missing?

Yes, I suppose I could. He might be open to that. When I mentioned coping between sessions before, he said sorry, can't help you with that. He might be open to it if I asked. But why would I constantly struggle to cope vs. prevention and management? I don't get how this is therapeutic. Some of the emotional re-experiencing can't be prevented, but I think there are things he can do to lessen the intensity in the first place.

Maybe skype therapy isnt working for you? You mention your sister - have you established pdoc and hospital connections at your new location? Maybe thats making you feel rootless. Where would you go IF - not having an answer makes you feel unsupported?

Thanks, HazelGirl.

I know. Thank you. He says that too.

We know exactly what triggered all of this too.

Part of the problem is that I've been suspecting some of it might be his emotional stuff (relating to the initial trigger). He just doesn't tell me about his emotions in the therapy relationship. He'll tell me all sorts of things about his life when I ask, but not emotional stuff. He'll reassure me that he doesn't feel ___, but that's about it. It would help if he told me his feelings too. That would make it easier on me, giving me less opportunities to project. I'm missing former T so much right now. I keep thinking about him. Like I mentioned, the therapeutic space is huge, and larger space = more transference.

I really don't even know if repressed memories will come up. It could be just somatic and emotional content. At any rate, I don't think it's important to have to rush through trauma memories. What's the point? It hasn't even been a year since we started working together.

I haven't seen a psychiatrist in years. I don't see why I'd go to a hospital--why let it get to that point? I do have a new internist. I'm not so sure about the mental health here...I would never let myself go to a hospital for MH. I would prevent it, which was why I was browsing through books last night.

Not so much rootless as I feel alone in all of this. But the Skype part is fine.

What does that mean?

Projections are a good thing to explore, though, as difficult and painful as they can be.

Yes, i'd say that too HG. But i'd also say that my therapy is different than yours. He doesn't say any of the stuff to me that your T says, which does bring in different meanings.

MM, I missed it before in my haste, but maybe I'll try to talk about day to day things since you said it helped you. Of course that won't work now because my day to day things include crying at work and in public, not being able to concentrate, etc.

Feeling even more alone now.

Let him know it's overwhelming you. He should pull back and bring in some good coping mechanisms.

I know...

Wondering why did he stop the nurturing?

I really feel helpless.

I am not sure. Could you ask?

And if you're feeling helpless, can you call him and let him know it's an emergency?

I'm sorry everything is so dark and turbulent, and I have premonitions too. As hazelgirl said, you need a good set of coping skills. Feel free to pm me if you wish.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Don't give up or quit....

Yes, I've already brought it up. Seems like anymore, he always says the same thing.."if I could be more comforting, I would" etc

What's an emergency to call your T about? I always save up everything and tell him next session..

My abandonment fears are reappearing, like if I called him it would make him feel as helpless as I feel. And that he would say he can't help me anymore.

Thank you both for your encouragement and support.

The first time I experienced a lot of flooding in therapy and I decided to pull back and talk about other things-- happy memories, successes and joys in my life, minor irritations-- when I told my T that I felt like I was wasting our time with this stuff, she told me that on the contrary, she wanted me to feel that I could bring in all of myself, not just trauma, transference, etc. I think that she got a fuller picture of who I am from this phase, and it was important in terms of relationship-building.

For what it is worth, I am going through yet another phase right now in therapy where I experience my T as sadistic, terrifying, etc. But this time, finally, I seem to have established enough trust and safety in the relationship to keep those feelings in the room. In my outside life, I've actually been feeling better than usual. I hope that this might be possible for you.

I do think it is certainly a good idea to make it as clear as possible to your T how overwhelmed & ready to quit you are right now, and to tell him that you feel you're not getting what you need from him. Maybe he would be willing to talk about his feelings with you. With my T, I usually have to directly ask for this.

It really helps to hear your sroty MM.
I've told him I've been thinking about quitting, about the extreme emotional distress. I just him today how I need more from him. That I need him to he the cloth mother monkey right now instead of the wire mother monkey.

I'm really starting to think he wants he to quit. Easier to deal with than telling me he can't work with me. Yes, I've told him that before too.

I feel like im going to die.

This stuff is so hard. I can feel your pain. Hang in there; you won't always feel this bad. I hope your T can give you what you need.

Hi skies, I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. I had a very intense period with my PTSD several years ago, I had nightmares all the time, and my body felt physically sick constantly, I didn't feel safe anywhere outside my own house, I couldn't work or think, and I lost all my friends because I didn't know how to tell them what was going on. When I was like that the last thing on my mind was trying to process my trauma. I think that you really need to be calm to do trauma work. I agree with you that you aren't likely to be successful if you just have all this flooding very time you try to talk.

As I remember you are in psycodynamic therapy of some kind. I'm not sure how psycodynamic your therapy is, but I know that some psycodynamic therapists aren't too big on grounding or mindfulness type things. But this doesn't mean you can't learn how to do those things for yourself. I don't however suggest that you meditate when you are like this, meditation can just bring up more things. But you might try some other kinds of mindfulness or calming things for yourself. It's best to pick an activity that requires some attention, but not too much critical thinking. Cooking would be a good thing to try (if you enjoy it) also things like doing your hair, swimming, coloring in coloring book, putting something together like a puzzle, any kind of crafty thing, trying to draw something accurately etc. Those kinds of things will help keep your attention with out pushing you into a place that your brain can't handle. When you do the activity try to pay attention to the way things sound, feel, taste, smell, and look, this will help to keep you focused.

You might also try taking a transitional object to therapy. I take a soft blanket with me, you might also take a rock, or teddy bear, or something else that you find comforting. When you feel distressed you can spend some time with the object, and use it to help remind you that you are safe.

I also think it would be a good idea to talk with your therapist more about your need to slow down. I wonder if it is too much for you to have to think about working on your trauma and still wondering if the therapy relationship is safe. Maybe it would be a good idea for now to just talk about the relationship. I also have a lot of issues with feeling safe in therapy, and have been spending a lot time just talking with my therapist about how I feel about her, and all the worries that I have about our relationship. She has been very receptive, and has really shown me how dedicate she is to me over the last month. Being able to see that has helped me a lot. I think you should talk with your T until you feel sure that he is invested in his relationship with you. And you should tell him all the feelings you have about him being distant, and not nurturing enough. If it bothers you that you don't know his feelings you should talk with him about that.

I will be thinking of you skies, its always such a delight to get your PMs.

A few things jump out at me:

The sense of a huge gulf that allows transference to be magnified;
The projections of him as sadistic and unwilling to be nurturing;
And the flooding between sessions.

They all seem related to me and I would think signal a need to slow down, back off the trauma talk, and re-establish and experience stability within the session. I don't think specific techniques of grounding are necessarily important, but a way to experience the stability of the relationship is. Are you sure that Skype isn't part of the problem? I'm not sure I could feel the stability without being in the room together when I've felt most threatened. I also needed more frequent sessions when feeling so unstable, and I never experienced psychosis.

I think the idea of a "real" relationship is misleading, in the sense of knowing more of his feelings. What I think you're sensing is a current inability to experience his relating to you, perhaps because your projections are blocking that experience. I suspect he's being consistent, but in the head space you're in, you can't feel it.

Hey lovely, I'm so sorry you are going through all this. 3 weeks is a long long time to be feeling like you do.

I second what feralkitty said above. I know you say that skyping is ok but surely it must add a big gulf between you and your T. I can only imagine it in terms of a baby only being able to speak to her mother via a video baby monitor... and I know, it's not like our t's can pick us up and physically soothe us, but still, some of that 'in the room/presence' nurturing and containment is lost, it has to be. Not sure how that helps you get through this difficult time though. Can he give you a 2nd session in the week and reduce his rate? once a week therapy is tough. When you are in a stronger place, I wonder if it might be time to look for another T, closer to home?

I can totally empathise with feeling a lack of nurturing and care and I often wonder if this is an issue with psychoanalytic therapy/ists - I've always felt a lack of warmth and aloofness... but perhaps that's more about my transference, I don't know.

I hope you are safe.

I didn't realize you were doing Skype therapy when I first replied.

In my experience, distance therapy does require the client to contain the experience more, which can be hard if one doesn't anticipate the distinction. Very simple things that most clients can take for granted can't be in distance therapy, such as having a physical space to enter and leave: the lack of walls means you are left at home, raw, right after session, there is no transition unless we create one. We do not close that office door and begin the process of pulling ourselves together, collecting ourselves to face passerby or traffic, and for better and worse, we more easily remain in that raw state a little more fully without the external distractions to navigate.

Then again, the relationship may feel more ephemeral.

Without accounting for these things, the trauma work can become more intense.

It is good to be mindful of these unique variations, as therapy is difficult enough, good to know that it can be a little more challenging in some regards done remotely, so maybe you can look at it as having an even greater opportunity to feel better once some routines are put in place and you and T reestablish a sense of containment.

My own therapist had to learn a little about these things as we went: it does not come naturally to a provider who's worked in an office for two decades to perceive the unique challenges of distance clients, so your therapist may not be accounting for the circumstances.